Seinfeld

Do you think that the people at the airport...

...that run the stores have any idea...

...what the prices are everyplace else in the world...

...or do they just feel they have their own little country out there...

...and they can charge anything they want?

"You hungry? Tuna sandwich is $9.

You don't like it, go back to your own country."

I think the whole airport-airline complex...

...is a huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches.

I think that profit is what's supporting the whole air travel industry.

I mean, think about it. The terminals, the airplanes...

...it's all just a distraction...

...so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking on the tuna.

It's all departures. I see nothing but departures.

Do you know where the arrivals are?

Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?

There's a clock over there.

- Where? - Over there.

- But you have a watch on. - It's right by the escalator.

Why not just look at your watch?

I told you, it's right over there.

- Let me see the watch. - Hey!

What are you, some kind of nut?

You know, we're living in a society!

- George. - Jerry, Jerry.

The flight was delayed. How long you been here?

I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.

I can't believe- Get rid of that piece of junk.

One mile from the exit, it starts shaking, violently shaking...

...like it's having a nervous breakdown.

- Then it completely stopped dead. - So you have no car.

- No. - So, what good are you?

This chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while.

- O'Brien's not showing up. - How do you know?

He was in Chicago. Flight was overbooked.

They wouldn't let him on.

He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.

- We should take his limo. - Yeah, right.

Wait a second. Think about it.

He's not showing up.

Wait till you see the line for cabs. It's 45 minutes long.

- You said he's in Chicago. - He's definitely in Chicago.

Well, that guy is just standing there.

- How would we do it? - Just go up and say, "We're O'Brien."

- Maybe he knows O'Brien. - He doesn't know him.

If he knew O'Brien, he wouldn't have a sign.

- Let's just do it. - What if we get caught?

What's gonna happen? They can't kill us.

- Who's gonna be O'Brien? - I'll be O'Brien.

- Who am I? - You're you.

- Just me? - Yeah.

- Okay. - You don't wanna be you?

Well, if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?

- Like who? - Dylan Murphy.

Okay.

- Now you wanna be Dylan Murphy? - Well, I like Dylan.

You could be Colin.

Okay. Colin O'Brien.

- I'm Dylan Murphy. - I'm Colin O'Brien.

- Are we really doing this? - Come on.

- Hey, do you have the time? - Clock over there.

- O'Brien. - Yes, sir.

Sorry we're late.

- Let me take that for you. - Oh, thank you.

- I'll bring the car around front. - Thank you very much.

- Dylan. - Colin.

Can you believe this? This is incredible.

This is one of the greatest things I've ever done.

- I'm gonna call my mother. - What for?

To tell her I'm in a limo.

Hello, Ma? It's me.

Guess where I am. In the back of a limo.

No, nobody died.

It's a long story. I can't tell you now.

Because I can't.

I said, I can't.

If I could, I would.

Would you stop it? All right, look-

I'm getting off.

No, I'm not telling you. How's this? I'm never telling you.

I don't care. No! Fine!

Never!

She happy for you?

- Can he hear us? - No.

Why?

Thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously.

He can't hear us.

Let's test him.

Hey, driver.

What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister...

...have a little fun back here?

No. He can't hear us.

Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us at my house.

I'll ask him.

My dear fellow, where are you dropping us?

At Madison Square Garden, of course. I have the four passes.

Of course, the four passes.

Four passes to Madison Square Garden?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Of course.

Chicago!

The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight!

- What? - We are going to the Knick game!

- Michael Jordan! - The Knicks!

We're going to the game! Four free passes!

- Did I tell you? Did I tell you? - I can't believe it!

- You may have hit with this one. - You see?

You see, I see things as they are and I say, "No."

Wait. You see things as they are not and you say-

Wait. You see thing-

Do you see things as they are?

What do you say when you see things?

Let me call Elaine and Kramer.

If I see things as they are, I would ask, "Why?"or "Why not?"

Elaine? It's me.

What are you doing tonight?

Great. George and I have tickets- Four free passes...

...to the Knicks-Bulls game at Madison Square Garden.

Can you go?

Great. Call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at 7:00.

All right. We're gonna pick you up in a limo.

That's right, baby doll.

And listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien.

I can't tell you now. It's a long story.

I am serious.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Excuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first.

I know.

- He knows? - He knows?

Where we going? Why are we pulling off here?

Maybe it's a shortcut.

We're on the Grand Central. There's no traffic.

Excuse me, why are we getting off this exit?

To pick up the other members of your party.

Right. The other members of our party.

What other members of our party?

I didn't even know we were in a party.

I'm telling you, the jig is up.

It was a bad jig. We never should've started it.

- It was a good jig. - It was a bad jig. A terrible, terrible jig.

What are we gonna do now? They'll know you're not O'Brien.

There could be more than one O'Brien who ordered a limo.

- First, you don't look like any O'Brien. - You should've been O'Brien.

I don't wanna be Murphy anymore. Do I have to be?

- Yes, you have to be Murphy. - It makes no sense, me being Murphy.

- You're Murphy. - I'm Seinfeld.

You're Murphy!

Let's just jump out of the car.

We're doing 60 miles an hour.

So we jump and roll. You won't get hurt.

Who are you, Mannix?

Why are we slowing down?

Are those the people?

All right, put your hands up over your face. Pretend you're sleeping.

- Mr. O'Brien. - No, I'm Dylan Murphy.

Mr. O'Brien had a long trip. He's sleeping.

I don't wanna disturb him.

We're just really excited to meet him face-to-face finally.

We're faithful readers of his newsletter.

- Newsletter? - And, of course, his great book...

...The Big Game.

Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in The Big Game.

- So you've never met him before? - No.

- Never seen a picture of him? - Never.

Not even on the book jacket?

There was no picture on the book jacket.

Hey, O'Brien, wake up. Come on. We got company.

Wake up.

Well, hello. I'm O'Brien.

- Hey! - Hey.

You took a cab?

Yeah. So?

How much do you make?

- I'm not telling you. - Come on.

- No. - I'll tell you how much I make.

I know how much you make.

I don't even know why I'm doing this. I don't even like basketball.

- You ever seen Michael Jordan? - Just in those commercials.

Maybe you'll see him do one of those 360 dunks.

- What's that? - It's like this.

- Here, you guard me. - What?

I never get the tinted windows on the limo.

Nobody cares who's in the limo.

You see a limo go by, you know it's either a rich guy...

...or 50 prom kids with $1.75 each.

Being in the back of a limo, I'm sorry, it's just-

It's not that cool. Most of the time, you feel like...

...you're in some depressing single guy's apartment from, like, 1975.

All that maroon velour furniture...

...couple of bottles of wine, three cassette tapes. There's stains.

You're counting, there must've been 10,000 asses already on this seat.

- I don't think we'll make the tip-off. - Think someone's been tipped off?

So...

You've read The Big Game, have you?

Yes, I've read it. And I've memorized it.

Well, tell me your impressions.

I would love to hear what a young woman thinks of The Big Game.

Well, this is sort of embarrassing.

But it's changed my life.

The way you analyse the game...