The Ren & Stimpy Show

This is the story about a man.

Not just any man, but a giant among lesser men.

His home, a monument to his greatness,

an enormous, sprawling testimony

to his countless achievements.

Big, isn't it ?

Surrounded by the vast splendor he has attained,

he sits alone, waiting.

See how he waits.

Waiting to sup of the wine of his toils.

Shh, listen.

And now, boys and girls,

it's time for "The Scotsman."

Starring Haggis MacHaggis.

That's me.

Created by Haggis MacHaggis.

Me, me.

Written, directed, produced, arranged, and composed by

Haggis MacHaggis !

That's me, me, me !

And here's Haggis in this week's episode:

"The Scotsman Beats His Dog."

Whack !

And now, some scenes from next week's episode,

"The Scotsman Beats His Lawyer."

Oh, I'm such a card.

Duh, I'm ready to serve your tea now, Mr. Haggis.

Who's the funniest cartoon on Tv, huh ?

Duh, Rodney and boowinkey ?

We interrupt this program to inform you:

the "Scotsman Show" is hereby canceled forever !

We now bring you the all new Ren and Stimpy show.

What ?

Tonight we explore the phenomenon of Ren and Sti--

Okay, space fans, it's Commander Hoek and Cadet Sti--

You know, folks,

nothing beats the closeness of new raspberry flavored

Foamex shave cream--

no !

Lies, deceit, blasphemy !

It cannot be true !

You dusty crooks, taste the wrath

of me magic shillelagh.

I'll not stand for it, I tell you.

They'll rule the day they crossed haggis MacHAGGIS,

the king of cartoons.

You can run, but you cannot hide !

I'm comin' for you !

Welcome to your new home, boys !

I'm sure you boys will enjoy it here.

Especially after the foul stench of that

filthy little sheepherder who lived here is gone.

Why, you Norman dog, you rat-faced ninny !

I'll rip your brisket out !

Hey, Ren, he reminds me of you.

Oop.

What ?

You're still here ?

Why, you--

Just a little leftover housecleaning.

Come here, you !

Unhand me, you hairy-Backed bull weasel.

I'll tear your eyes out !

I'll rip your epiglottis out !

I'll, I'll, I'll--

yes, yes.

Excuse me, Mr. Haggis, but wouldn't you be

more comfortable, say, out in the street !

You don't know who you're messin' with !

I'm a highly paid television celebrity.

I won't stand for it !

Oh, ho-ho, don't make me cry.

The blood's on your hands, you no-account bank robbers !

I'll, I'll, I'll rip your faces off.

Now you've gone and done it.

You made me cry !

Nay, get a hold of yourself, haggis !

Are you not a man ?

Are you not wearin' a dress ?

I've got to think of a solution.

I've got it !

My trillions of loyalist fans will come to my rescue !

I'll wander off into town

and scoop up a whole batch of 'em.

You'll not be hearin' the last of me.

I shall return !

The no-good filthy Welshman !

I'll show 'em the back of me hand.

Look at that !

Oh, this is killin' me !

Look, me loyal fans !

They're watchin' me show !

Stop !

They're crooks, I'm tellin' ya.

Hey, don't look at that !

Stop !

No !

Beat it, shrimp, you're blockin' our view !

Hey, mister, look what I got !

Oh, yeah ?

I'll show you what we Scots do with panties.

Hey, dad, help !

So, a circus midget, eh ?

I've been lookin' forward to this for a long time.

Take this and this !

Oh, how do you like that ?

Want one of these ?

Oh, here's one, and here's your change !

Ahh, ahh, me belly.

I've not eaten in weeks.

Ahem.

Come on, let's have it.

Cough it up.

Ahh...

That's better.

Let me in there, I want some !

You know, Stimpy, this is the good life,

a warm snifter of root beer,

a nice, big, comfy chair,

and my favorite book of Chaucer.