The Simpsons

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You know your life sucks. Just get drunk like you always do.

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What is this, and how can I make the rest of my life about it?

Only on Fox.

D'oh!

D'oh!

Moe, what the hell is that?!

Sorry. I missed rehearsal.

Damn it.

Marge, I'm heading out! Poker night!

I don't want you losing all our scrimpings!

Don't worry, Marge.

The real excitement for me is staying within a budget.

This is just a friendly game, right?

Oh, super friendly.

Suckers.

Dad, Dad, Dad.

I need two things: a good-night hug and a favor.

Mm. To save time,

I'll start describing the favor.

I've just been accepted to the best band camp

this side of the Mississippi!

Which side are we again?

Doesn't matter! It's a great camp.

Notable graduates include Pete Barbutti.

Pete Barbutti?!

Yes! Anyway, it's a little pricey.

So, if you win big tonight,

maybe you could help make a little girl really happy.

Don't worry, sweetie, I'm gonna win.

And you know why?

I'm wearing my lucky T-shirt.

It was such a shame

he lost to President Garfield.

Oh, I'll fix this.

There.

The maestro is here.

Hey, who's the lady?

What, are you kidding?

This is Laney Fontaine, Broadway legend.

She starred opposite Al Pacino

in Does a Tiger Wear A Necktie?

Ooh!

Now I date Moe.

He's got everything I look for in a man:

a current liquor license.

Well, it and you

are the two most precious wrinkled yellow things I know.

WOMAN (over headphones): Three of a kind beats two pair.

Straight beats three of a kind.

Three beats two.

Four beats three.

Oh, my God.

Full house.

We're gonna win! That means Lisa goes to band camp.

As long as Homer doesn't let them know

how good his hand is.

Then he'll blow the whole damn thing to hell!

That would be terrible.

Worst jammed-in movie parody ever.

Come on, Homer. Poker face.

Aah! Stupid git!

I raise, no calls, pot goes to me.

Hold on, Fat Folds Five.

I see your raise, and I raise this.

Is that real?

Won it for cinematography.

Invented a new kind of Steadicam that's mounted on a dog.

That's five grand to you.

So, are you in, or are you...

While I'm out, no one look at my cards or my boobs.

Aw. Don't she black out like an angel?

Queens beat jacks.

No one heard that. I'm in.

Okay, Homer. Moment of truth.

Oh, four of a kind! Hey, honey, you won!

Huh?

I lost.

I lost everything.

We're gonna celebrate, Moe.

What's Springfield's version of Sardi's?

Uh, Hardee's.

I know a nice booth under a picture of a hamburger. Heh.

Aw, come on, Homer. I'll drive you home.

Hey, off we go!

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

You've completed Poker: A Beginner's Guide.

Now go out there and win.

I bid two bucks.

What was that?

Those aren't the tiptoes of a successful gambler.

How much did you lose?

$5,000.

Whoa, I never heard that noise.

I'm just sayin', doesn't look like

band camp is in the cards.

Hey, this is my thing now.

So easy.

Guys, I need help with a plan.

Hey, what about a reverse mortgage?

I saw a commercial for one where an old lady gave a thumbs-up

and it turned into money, which filled up the screen.

The entire screen?

Swear to God.

Hey, Homer, here's a thought: invite Laney over for dinner.

Show her your crummy home, your unhappy kids.

Anyone with a heart would take pity.

Finally, my sucky life pays off.

Do you guys think she'll buy it?

Oh, yeah. Your whole house, uh, it smells like a basement.

I've always hated your rugs.

Yeah... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why you have to go there, man?

He has such beautiful floors.

Why must he hide them? Why?

There I am,

on the main stage at Caesar's,

about to sing "Do You Love Me,"

when who do I see sitting in the wings?

Your boyfriend King Tut?

No. Jack Jones.

High on his success from "Wives and Lovers"

with eyes for yours truly.

But you'd just accepted a proposal from Mike Connors.

Which I broke off.

Let's just say Mannix was the one man

I had to nix.

: Oh!

Oh, that's rich!

Oh, my God.

That's going in your book.

Please tell me you're writing a book.

Sit down, boy.

We're trying to show this dame

that we're deserving of her pity.

Where's that crutch I gave you?

There's nothing wrong with my leg.

There will be.

D'oh!

Ow! Ow, my leg!

: Oh! Oh, my leg.

Oh!

Who would take $5,000 from such a miserable creature?

Laney, I know it's your night off,

but would you like to sing a song for us?

You don't have to ask me twice.

It's okay if the producer don't

Wow. You know your way around a horn, kid.

Oh, listen, I don't want to gush,

but I have all your albums.

Laney Sings The Blues,

Electric Laney Land,

Laney Butchers The Beatles.