Parks and Recreation

all: TED! TED! TED! TED!

ARTICLE TWO,

SECTION TWO OF THE PAWNEE CHARTER READS,

"BE IT DECREED: SHOULD THE TAXATION OF TEA

"RISE TO AN UNACCEPTABLE LEVEL,

CITIZENS SHALL DUMP TED INTO RAMSETT LAKE."

DOES ANYONE OBJECT?

AS ALWAYS, I OBJECT.

NAY, ENOUGH DITHERING!

DUMP THE MISCREANT! BOO!

- TODAY IS TED PARTY DAY, WHERE WE COMMEMORATE

THE GREAT PAWNEE TEA DUMP OF 1817.

HISTORICAL FUN FACT--

WHEN THE FOUNDING FATHERS WROTE THE CHARTER,

THEIR OLD-TIMEY SCRIPT MADE

ONE OF THE "A"s LOOK LIKE A "D,"

SO "TEA" BECAME "TED."

IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE LITTLE THINGS

THAT REMINDS US OF PAWNEE'S RICH AND VIBRANT PAST.

PLUS, WE GET TO GO FIND A GUY NAMED TED

AND THROW HIM IN A LAKE.

all: ONE!

I DON'T EVEN GO BY TED!

all: TWO! - I GO BY THEODORE!

all: THREE! - AAH!

*

- HEY, TED. GREAT JOB TODAY.

YOU WERE SO FUNNY

WHEN YOU WERE LIKE, "MY CELL PHONE,

I LEFT IT IN MY POCKET."

THEN YOU CHECKED IT, REMEMBER, AND IT DIDN'T WORK.

YEAH, THAT WAS HILARIOUS.

LISTEN, I AM JUST HERE TO SAY

THAT I AM DONE WITH TED PARTY DAY.

- HA! CLASSIC TED. - I'M SERIOUS.

I'M NOT GETTING DUMPED IN THAT LAKE ANYMORE.

AND I TALKED TO THE OTHER TEDS IN TOWN,

AND THEY'RE NOT DOING IT EITHER.

- COME ON, TED PARTY DAY IS PROTECTED

BY ARTICLE TWO IN THE TOWN CHARTER.

AND WE HAVE THE RIGHT, NAY, THE OBLIGATION,

TO DUMP TED INTO THE LAKE EVERY YEAR.

THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN DONE.

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,

"THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN DONE"

IS NOT A GOOD REASON TO KEEP DOING SOMETHING.

SECOND, IT WAS A MISPRINT. THEY CLEARLY MEANT "TEA."

- I JUST THINK YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL

ABOUT SPECULATING WHAT THE FOUNDERS MEANT

WHEN THEY WERE WRITING THE TOWN CHARTER.

OKAY, FINE.

YOU WANT TO ENFORCE EVERY SINGLE OLD LAW

WE HAVE ON OUR BOOKS?

HEY, CAN I SEE YOUR KEYS FOR A SECOND?

HERE'S A QUARTER.

I OWN YOUR CAR NOW.

- WHA-- - SORRY.

THE PAWNEE CHARTER CLEARLY STATES THAT ANY WHITE CITIZEN

HAS THE RIGHT TO SEIZE ANY INDIAN PROPERTY

FOR 25 CENTS.

- THAT IS AN OUTDATED AND RACIST LAW.

AND OBVIOUSLY THEY MEANT "AMERICAN INDIAN."

- WHOA, I THINK WE SHOULD BE CAREFUL

WHEN WE SPECULATE WHAT THE FOUNDERS INTENDED

WHEN THEY WROTE THE CHARTER.

- OKAY, TED. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU'RE QUOTING ME BACK TO ME.

BUT I'M GONNA QUOTE ME BACK TO YOU AND SAY

THAT TED PARTY DAY WILL NEVER CHANGE.

UH-OH.

YOU, A WOMAN, JUST RAISED YOUR VOICE

TO A LANDOWNING MALE.

ACCORDING TO A PAWNEE STATUTE PASSED IN 1868,

I GET TO DO THIS.

- I WAS NOT AWARE OF THAT STATUTE.

RON, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.

CHRIS IS MAKING ME DO

SOME STUPID MANAGEMENT TRAINING LEADERSHIP COURSE.

- NOW THAT YOU RUN THE ANIMAL CONTROL DEPARTMENT,

YOU HAVE QUALIFIED

FOR THE CHRIS TRAEGER MANAGEMENT TRAINING SEMINAR

OR "KA-TUMTS."

IT'S NOT A GREAT ACRONYM, BUT IT IS A GREAT SEMINAR.

CAN YOU GET ME OUT OF IT?

YES.

NORMALLY, IF GIVEN A CHOICE

BETWEEN DOING SOMETHING AND NOTHING,

I'D CHOOSE TO DO NOTHING.

BUT I WILL DO SOMETHING

IF IT HELPS SOMEONE ELSE DO NOTHING.

I'D WORK ALL NIGHT

IF IT MEANT NOTHING GOT DONE.

- RON SWANSON AND APRIL LUDGATE,

LITERALLY MY TWO FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE CATALOGUED UNIVERSE.

- APRIL WILL NOT BE PARTICIPATING

IN YOUR POINTLESS COURSE

BECAUSE SHE HAS MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO

LIKE NOT PARTICIPATING IN YOUR POINTLESS COURSE.

- I JUST WANT APRIL TO BECOME AS GREAT

A DEPARTMENT HEAD AS YOURSELF.

- WHICH IS WHY THIS IS POINTLESS.

I'VE BEEN HEAD OF THE PARKS DEPARTMENT FOR 12 YEARS,

AND I NEVER HAD ANY "MANAGEMENT TRAINING" COURSE.

- RON, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN "KA-TUMTSED?"

I AM LEGALLY REQUIRED

TO KA-TUMTS EVERY DEPARTMENT HEAD.

OTHERWISE, WE ARE OPEN TO ALL KINDS OF LIABILITY.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

- I'M SAYING THAT TOMORROW DURING THE SEMINAR,

APRIL IS GOING TO HAVE A CLASSMATE.

AND SPOILER ALERT--

- IT'S ALF. - IT'S YOU.

THIS WENT POORLY.

- WHAT, NO. DAMN IT!

WHAT ARE YOU BIDDING ON?

IT BETTER NOT BE TERRENCE HOWARD'S TANK TOP

FROM HUSTLE & FLOW.

- IT IS NOT. - GOOD.

'CAUSE I AM BIDDING ON IT

AND I AM READY TO SPEND AN AMOUNT

THAT MY ACCOUNTANT CALLS "DANGEROUS AND IRRESPONSIBLE."

- JJ'S DINER PUT AN OLD WAFFLE IRON UP FOR AUCTION.

IT'S THE PERFECT BREAKFAST DAY GIFT FOR LESLIE.

"BREAKFAST DAY"?

- LESLIE HAS ANNIVERSARIES FOR EVERYTHING.

"ZOO DAY," FIRST TIME WE WENT TO THE ZOO TOGETHER.

"DOUBLE DATE DAY,"

IT WAS THE FIRST TIME WE WENT ON A DOUBLE DATE.

"DANIEL DAY-LEWIS DAY.

"TALK-LIKE-A-PIRATE DAY.

TALK-LIKE-A-PITTSBURGH-PIRATE DAY,"

WHICH WHY AND HOW?

THIS CALENDAR WAS LAST YEAR'S CALENDAR DAY PRESENT

CELEBRATING THE FIRST TIME

SHE EVER BOUGHT ME A CALENDAR.

- YOU HAVE TO BUY A PRESENT FOR EVERY ONE OF THESE?

- SHE ALWAYS TELLS ME NOT TO, BUT THEN SHE BUYS ME SOMETHING

THAT'S AWESOME AND THOUGHTFUL, AND THEN I FEEL TERRIBLE.

BUT THAT'S THE THING. THIS IS THE PERFECT PRESENT.

I JUST KEEP GETTING OUTBID BY SOMEONE NAMED

"TALL TIE-REE-ON LANNISTER."

WHAT KIND OF NAME IS TIE-REE-ON ANYWAY?

- YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? TYRION LANNISTER?

LORD OF CASTERLY ROCK? THE HALF-MAN?

YOU DON'T WATCH GAME OF THRONES?

- NO. YOU DO? - HELL YEAH.

HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE DOTHRAKI DUDES?

THEY CAN GET IT.

EVERYBODY ON THAT SHOW CAN GET IT.

- I THINK I KNOW WHO I'M BIDDING AGAINST.

- I NOW REALIZE THAT I WAS WRONG,

AND IT'S TIME THAT WE PURGED THE BOOKS

OF MANY OF OUR TOWN'S OUTDATED AND OBSCURE LAWS.

THE BILL THAT I HAVE WRITTEN

WITH THE FULL SUPPORT OF THE CITY COUNCIL

WILL REPEAL 110 OBSOLETE LAWS

SUCH AS ALL MENSTRUATING WOMEN SHALL BE CONFINED

TO THEIR BATHTUBS

AND ARTICLE TWO, AKA, TED PARTY DAY.

THE FLOOR IS NOW OPEN FOR PUBLIC COMMENTS.

OH, HERE WE GO.

- THANK YOU. MY NAME IS GARTH BLUNDIN,

AND I OBJECT TO YOUR RIDICULOUS PROPOSAL.

THE PAWNEE CHARTER SHALL NOT BE CHANGED.

NOT TODAY, NOT EVER!

- WOW, A LOT OF PASSION, MR. BLUNDIN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOUR OBJECTION IS NOTED AND OFFICIALLY IN THE RECORD.

SHALL WE PROCEED TO A VOTE? - NO. NO, WE SHALL NOT.

ARTICLE SEVEN, SECTION THREE ALLOWS

FOR A "CITIZEN FILIBUSTER."

IF I STAND HERE AND REFUSE TO YIELD MY TIME,

YOU ARE PROHIBITED FROM VOTING ON THE BILL.

- THAT SECTION DEFINES "BUFFALO MEAT"

AS ACCEPTABLE CURRENCY.

- IS THAT THE BUFFALO MEAT ONE? - MM-HMM.

- I MEANT ARTICLE THREE, SECTION SEVEN.

LET THE FILIBUSTERING BEGIN.

I WOULD NOW LIKE TO SHARE

SOME IDEAS I HAVE FOR J.J. ABRAMS' SEVENTH CHAPTER

IN THE STAR WARS' SAGA.

PAN DOWN FROM THE TWIN SUNS OF TATOOINE.

WE ARE NOW CLOSE ON THE MOUTH OF THE SARLACC PIT.

AFTER A BEAT,

THE GLOVED MANDALORIAN ARMOR GAUNTLET OF BOBA FETT

GRABS ONTO THE SAND OUTSIDE OF THE SARLACC PIT

AND THE FEARED BOUNTY HUNTER PULLS HIMSELF

FROM THE MAW OF THE SAND BEAST.

- UGH, HE'S RIGHT. HE CAN DO THIS.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE NEED TO MODERNIZE THESE LAWS.

THIS KIND OF THING MADE SENSE WHEN WE HAD COUNCIL IN A BARN

AND THERE WERE 80 PEOPLE IN THE TOWN,

BUT NOW THIS IS NUTS.

- IF HE HOLDS THE REALITY GEM,

THAT MEANS HE CAN JUMP FROM DIFFERENT REALITIES.

THIS WILL BE OUR LINK

.

- IMAGINE THOSE TWO GOING UP AGAINST ROBOT CHEWBACCA,

'CAUSE THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN. AFTER A BEAT, LUKE SAYS,

"DARTH VADER WAS MY FATHER, BUT BEN KENOBI WAS MY MASTER."