Brad Neely's Harg Nallin Sclopio Peepio

Here's my meter, okay?

You got a nice ass.

But you say you hate reading.

But your mom was on "Oprah"...

for something bad.

You got an Etsy page?

You make jewelry?

For men?

So it's a pass.

- -Aah!

Sorry about that.

My friends threw this football.

Now they're way -- way out over...

in the chop, out in the water.

So, you know what would make this day even better?

A bunch of illegal glass bottles.

You guys got any?

No.

We -- we brought cans.

All right.

Cool.

Passed the test.

Are you drinking tasty beer out of a glass bottle?

Yeah. You -- you want some?

It's okay. I'm a narc.

Never ends.

Hey, watch this.

Pbht!

I love that. Here, look at this.

Hey, let me tell you my favorite types of Gump.

Forrest.

River.

City.

Swamp.

Cave.

Snow.

Sand.

Garbage.

Bubba Gump Gump.

Troll.

And Times Square.

Jenny!

All right, here's my meter, okay?

Oh, you own a restaurant?

But it's a Wendy's.

Oh, you Wendy.

Oh, I'm gonna get with you, Wendy.

I rate you high.

John Candy!

John Candy!

John Candy!

John Candy!

John Candy!

Oh, John Candy!

I just keep seeing them.

Their skin is like a chalky lizard's.

Their voice is usually full of ghastly sounding mucus,

and they're really, really slow.

And you can see their skeleton under their skin.

Is your life being ruined by horrible monsters?

Well, I'm here to help.

With Monster Traps!

I don't know what happened to my parents.

I want to their house,

and there were to grody monsters there instead.

My parents aren't even friends with any monsters.

We can't find or bring back your loved ones,

but we can trap monsters.

Set the trap near where you've seen the monster.

Set bait, then once you've caught it,

you deliver that terrible creature

to a monster repository.

And start living a monster-free life.

So, it's a-one and a-two and a-three and a-four.

Got it?

Yeah, I got it.

It's a stab and a kill and a rape and a laugh.

Right, huh? What?

I'm Satan, come on.

You know what?

I always see Donald Trump in a trench coat

with, like, two living goats for shoes

and, like, nine rings made out of cheese.

And, you know, he's got no eyes,

and he's got them hand teeth and them, like, ankle testicles.

And, he's, like, living in Antarctica

with, like, half a cyborg procedure done.

But he's there with, like, the cast of "Goonies."

And they're, like, working as his butlers.

And the first tree ever planted has been uprooted

and transplanted into his bedroom to keep him company,

when, uh, you know, he, like, wakes up in his nightmares,

when he's, like, missing his mommy

and when he's wondering

where all his stuffed animals are now.