Impastor

I'd been in Ladner for a while now,

and I was really starting to get the hang of this pastor thing.

I was coming up with my sermons a lot easier.

I'd worked out a system for advising congregants.

Should I have the experimental surgery?

Signs point to yes.

And I'd delegated all the annoying work

to my assistant, who lives for that crap.

Hey, I finished your pastor newsletter.

I just need you to sign.

All right.

Hope you put some big words in here this time.

I used "ecclesiastical" and "complementarianism."

Nice! People love a smart pastor.

Yes.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

Is there anything else?

No.

- You sure? - Yes.

Dora, something wrong?

All right, stop hounding me. I'll tell you.

The Ladner Lodge Bingo-mania begins tonight.

And you have nothing to wear?

And...

I'm addicted to bingo.

Really? Aren't you, like, 40 years too young for that?

Weakness and temptation do not discriminate by age.

Yeah, but bingo?

Why not blackjack? Or better yet, craps?

Best odds in the casino.

If you're gonna get hooked, that's the one.

No, no, my game is bingo,

and last year I hit rock bottom.

I lost $840

and, as a result...

my "praycation" to Boise.

That does sound terrible, all of it.

But this year I am determined to overcome my gambling problem.

I had a gambling problem too. I hadn't gambled in weeks.

Here, take it. It's $1,000.

I was just hoping you could hold on to it for me

till all this Bingo-mania stuff is over.

You bet.

Or you won't bet, because I'll be holding your money.

Thank you.

It's really nice to know I have someone I can trust.

In gambler's lingo, this was called a bankroll.

But it was Dora's money. I had to do the right thing.

Come to papa, baby, one more time!

Yeah!

Hey, hey, I came as soon as I could.

What is the emergency?

My real-estate friend, Sandy, called.

A wealthy Lutheran family just moved to the area,

and they haven't picked a church yet.

- What do we know so far? - They're the Fenwicks...

Jason, a lawyer, Courtney, a pharmacist...

- And three kids. Names... - Unimportant!

How wealthy?

- Loaded. - Do we know if they're givers?

They financed a sanctuary at their last church.

This is the godsend we've been praying for.

We may finally get our new Sunday school.

But there's a problem.

Their house is halfway between Ladner and Pineville.

We have to snag them

before Pineville Lutheran does.

Maybe we should invite them to a Sunday service.

Or we could do something smart.

I'll arrange a personal meeting with the Fenwicks for tomorrow.

Alexa, you're not off-putting. You'll come with me.

We'll meet at the coffee shop and take one car.

What about me?

You stay by your phone,

and if we need reinforcements, I will call you.

You're not going to call, are you?

Highly unlikely.

Enter!

Buddy... Ugh!

Smells like Pastor Willis in here.

He used to drive Dora crazy with those cigars.

What can I do for you, Russell?

Did you know Willis died a year ago in this very room?

Actually, he died on the toilet,

but Schmidt dragged him in here to save face.

I only hope you'll show me the same respect when my time comes.

- Is that all? - No.

You know that very wealthy family we're trying to recruit,

the one that's got the whole council abuzz?

Sure.

Schmidt won't even let me help.

Because you let him not let you.

Ooh, I need to hear this. Tell me more.

Russell...

you have to start thinking like a winner.

Winners take action.

Goose bumps. Keep going.

Winners don't sit on the sidelines.

They get in the game.

The next time you have an opportunity,

you have to step up.

Like Channing Tatum does in the Step Up trilogy!

Even though he wasn't in the third one, which thematically...

There you go. Put your chips on the table!

Roll the dice, bet on yourself!

I'll see you later.

One time.

- Seven out. - No!

Oh, God. Oh, no.

I couldn't believe I'd blown all of Dora's money playing craps.

Idiot!

The minute I started losing,

I should've switched to blackjack.

- Hey. - Hey.

I just got some great news.

Donna Belmont broke her leg.

Oh, that is great news. She sucks.

What? You don't even know her.

Oh. Then why is that great news?

Because it means she can't go on her cruise to Alaska,

and she's offering me her spot for half off.

Oh, Buddy, I've always wanted to see bald eagles...

and Gallagher.

He's performing every night.

So she broke her leg on purpose.

You.

So now I just need that money that I gave you to hold

so that I can go pay Donna.

Right, right, the money you gave me

that I still have, yeah.

Uh... I can't do that.

What?

Why not?

- I think we both know. - I don't.

- Don't you? - No.

Buddy? What's going on?

Dora, you have a serious gambling problem.

What kind of spiritual leader, not to mention friend,

would I be if I enabled your addiction?

Yeah, but, see, this isn't about bingo.

This is about me going on my dream cruise.

I promised I wouldn't give your money back

until Bingo-mania was over.

I don't care how many balding eagles

or magicians you make up.

Gallagher is not a magician.

He's a prop comic...

and a genius.

And I want my money.

- Dora... - Now! Buddy, please...

before Donna gives my spot to someone else.

All right! All right.

I'll go get it...

right after I tend to a church member

who's in desperate need of help.

Me.

To get Dora her money back, I had to take out a loan.

Fortunately, my bank was mobile.

Thanks for doing this, Ashlee.

You look really good, by the way.

Is that vanilla?

I'm a busy girl. How much you need?

$1,000.

Okay.

You know what? Make it $1,500.

Just so you know, vig's 30%...

per week.

Whoo.

That's steep.

But that includes a free hummer, right?

Only if you can bend down that far.

Have a seat.

I have it on good authority that the Fenwicks took a tour

of Pineville Lutheran yesterday.

Oh, that's discouraging.

Did I give you the impression I was finished?

Even worse, apparently they really hit it off

with P-ville's lady pastor.

Mind-boggling.

Guess we've got our work cut out for us.

That's why I've decided to step up and come with you.

Ah, n-no offense, Russell,

but having you there will exponentially increase

our chances of failure.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not so sure

you know the proper usage of "no offense."

Yes, I do. I've been using it to cushion insults for years.

I, um, um, have to, uh, use,

uh, the restroom.

It's just...

urine.

- That was weird. - I bet it's a number two.

Yes, this is the blue-eyed gentleman.

Ashlee.

Oh, that's... That's a lovely name.

Now?

So Channing challenges this guy to a dance-off...

Uh, that was my office.

There's something I need to attend to.

Meeting adjourned.