I Hate Valentine's Day

What's with this guy? Hey!

You see me here? I'm walking!

Hey, I like your short skirt.

I like your buns.

Genevieve, I'm on Date Four and I'm outta ideas.

- Water-taxi tour of the bridges. - Thank you!

- How you doing, Genevieve? - Hi.

Valentine's Day.

I'm telling you, he'd better buy you something.

You know what? Valentine's Day is just a dumb made-up holiday.

I love Valentine's Day.

Yeah? Well, I don't know one guy who does.

It sucks!

- Hi, crazy. - Hi, Bill and Bob.

- Oops. - Uh-oh.

- Good morning. - Not with these eyebrows.

Let's see.

- They've gone G.I. Joe. - Help me.

Very Madonna.

- Swears? - Her eighties phase.

The second time, in two thousand seven.

Yes, well, Madonna post-tour for sure.

Yeah, long tour. Eyebrows grow back.

Hey, my eyebrows grow back fast.

Pluck the hair and there's nothing there.

- Oops. - Uh-oh.

Good morning. How're my ladies?

- Tim! Tim, delivered. - Tim, hi.

Well, Tim, that shirt...

Iooks a lot less wrinkled than normal.

Is it, I dare say, ironed?

- Are you trying to impress someone? - Yeah, you. Give me a dirty kiss.

Let's see if you can turn me.

I can't!

Give me that.

I take that.

- What would you do without them? - Oops and Uh-oh?

- Oops. - Uh-oh.

Lose my mind. How's it going for you?

Lexy and Dominique have that flu.

Now I think Annie is getting it. She's crabby.

- 'Cause she's sick? - No, 'cause she's Annie.

You know, I've gotta do something for Valentine's Day. I'm freaking out.

I'll wrap up a dozen roses with some chocolate hearts.

Is that enough?

Yeah. All women want to know is that you put some thought into it.

How many men are gonna wake up in a cold sweat tomorrow?

They wait till the last moment they put if off...

then they're on their way home and everything's closed...

and they're panicking in a Seven-Eleven...

saying, "Do you have any chocolates in a heart shaped box?"

Yeah, my wife's gonna love my gut 'cause I'm more romantic?

Yes.

Less vitamins, okay?

Are my eyebrows holding up?

Hey, will you do mine? I have date Number One tomorrow with a cute new guy.

- New guy! - Let me get you those roses.

What happened to the other guy?

- Five dates. - So it's over.

- Ends it before the guy can. - Got the safety set on her heart.

- That's a country song. - From her album, "Fear of Commitment".

Hi. Guess what? I can hear you.

It is not wrong that I want every day to be Valentine's Day.

- No! - Here you go.

- For Annie. - Thank you, thank you, thank you.

All right, you guys.

Dress up again for us tomorrow.

- Yeah, maybe I'll wear deodorant. - Why start now?

Have a nice day.

Okay, we've got to reorganize this fridge. Just move that over there...

move this over here. It's gonna be crazy in here tomorrow.

Uh-uh, I call shotgun. Hi.

I'm Genevieve. May I help you?

Hi.

I saw you at the old pizza place.

What? You're not thinking of buying it, are you?

It's been a ribs place and a chicken wings place...

and everybody goes bankrupt.

That place is cursed.

I just bought it.

- Congratulations! - Awesome!

- That's amazing! - Yay!

Yeah, I'm reopening it as a tapas bar.

What's it called?

Get on Tapas.

Get on Tapas. Get it? A tapas bar.

Are you Spanish?

No.

Why are you opening a tapas place?

Well, I saw this graph of recent graduates from my law school...

and statistically, I was right where it said I should be.

Felt a little cookie-cuttered, had a one-third life crisis. Quit the firm.

- That's nuts. - Anyway...

I'm here to get some flowers for my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend.

Excellent.

- Very romantic. - What's over here?

Good, good. Because...

I'll be honest, I'm kind of on shaky ground with this one.

I grew up in Atlanta and down there...

if a date turned into the morning after that's your girlfriend now.

But I don't know if this is my girlfriend...

or if it's just somebody I'm dating.

- Well, how long has it been? - Two months.

Sounds like a girlfriend to me.

Okay. So I'll take these.

These are for friendship.

Now for Valentine's Day...

these are for girlfriends.

I did not know that.

So, do you know if she's home right now?

No. She's a flight attendant and she's out of town. She travels a lot.

You know what would be romantic? You get the landlord to let you in...

and then you leave these beside her bedside.

That's a great idea.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Why'd you say that, Genevieve? - What?

- That poor guy. - That old line. She's not "traveling".

She's got three boyfriends.

Guys like that never see it coming.

- How'd you get in? - Boy.

He's the type of guy who doesn't know he's good-looking...

and goes and gives a woman his heart and he gets stomped on.

Over and over and over again.

No Dijon! You'll take American mustard and like it.

- Okay. - That's dumb. Soap can't get dirty.

- Lf mud fell on it. - It would wash right off.

Wouldn't the mud be declared clean on impact?

Right, it's soap! The word means clean.

What, like, in Latin?

Thanks, Mom, but that's Valentine's Day.

Can you make beef stroganoff with chicken?

Yes. You can definitely substitute chicken.

- With Egg Beaters? - Or Egg Beaters.

- It'll be too sticky. - Okay, I gotta go.

Yeah, bye. Yeah, bye.

- Yeah, bye. - Bye- bye.

Hey, get your meat paws off my food.

All right, everyone.

What are the plans for Valentine's Day?

It's too much pressure.

My skull is gonna cave in.

All right, it's the celebration of romance.

Not if you've been single since pubes.

Kathy, what about the guy you see on the bus every day?

I'm taking your advice, I'm waiting to be wooed.

- Good. - Although I did accidentally...

kick his seat.

Very nice. Dan?

I bought a girl at work some chocolates.

That's really sweet.

- Yeah? - Yes.

Very good. Brian?

I think I'm gonna bake the girl at the newsstand a cake.

It's not funny.

- That's nice. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Hey, hey, hey, sorry I'm late!

- Hi. - Hi.

Sorry, y'all, I was late. I know.

Java Joint guy asked me out.

- You already went there? - Yup.

Have you Googled him?

He was a total chubster in middle school...

but then he played football in high school and he lost the weight.

And his mom's a teacher and his dad sells used cars.

I went back and I told him his best friend's name in high school...

and that it would be a perfect name for our first child.

- Weird? - Lf weird means spooky.

Hey, you have to wait to be wooed.

Anyway, we have a date tonight.

I really don't wanna mess this one up.

Then don't text him eighty-two times between now and then.

Yes. Wait to be wooed.

And then you have five dates. And that's all.

Okay.

Just tell me what to do one more time.

All right. Date One: Breathless flirting.

Date Two: Tummy flip flops.

Date Three: The adventurous date.

Date Four: Be fun and fabulous.

- I'm always fun and fabulous. - Date Five...

make it the best date ever. And then you say good-bye.

When the romance is gone, it's time to move on.

He'll only remember you with sweet soft memories.

And you? You will never be hurt again.

Okay. I'm totally doing it your way.

- And keep those knees together. - Dang.

- Happy Valentine's Day! - Thank you!

Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Valentine's Day!

Hi, happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day!

Hi, guys, happy Valentine's Day.

- Hi, happy Valentine's Day! - Thanks.

Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Valentine's Day!

- Happy Valentine's Day! - Help!

Welcome back.

This sucks.

Let's go in.

I can't see you.