The Fisher King

//

Hey, it's Monday morning, and I'm Jack Lucas.

Crunch!

- Hi. - Hello.

- This is about my husband. - Yes?

Well, he drives me crazy.

I'll be talking, and he'll never let me finish a sentence.

He's always finishing —

He's always finishing your thoughts. That's awful.

- It — It absolutely drives — - It drives you crazy, doesn't it?

He's a scoundrel.

Jack, you've hit the nail —

Hit the nail on the head.

Somebody ought to hit you on the head.

So, tell us, how long have you and Senator Payton...

been having this, —

this sleazy affair?

Great. This is great, yeah. This is disgusting.

I am so tired of the public thinking...

that they ha have got a night to in invade a person is private life, okay?

Please. Come on. You had sex with a United States senator...

in the parking lot of Sea World.

You're telling me you're a private person?

- You're our— - Spotlight celebrity!

We want to hear about the back seats of limos, sweetheart.

About the ruined lives of people we want to be.

New and exotic uses for champagne corks.

Listen, I have been humiliated enough already, okay?

Well, no, perhaps not. We need those details.

You're a pig, Jack.

You're on the air, caller.

Hello, Jack. It's Edwin.

W's Edwin.

Edwin, we haven't heard from you in, what, a day? I've missed you.

- I've missed you too, Jack. - So, it's sunrise confession time, Ed.

- What have you got for us? - Um, I went to this bar-

this very, you know, hard-to-get-into place called Babbitt's.

Yeah, I know the place. It's one of those chic yuppie watering holes.

- Well, I met this beautiful woman. - Come on now.

Ed, if you start telling me you're falling in love again...

I'm gonna have to remind you of that time we made you propose...

to that check-out girl at Thrifty's that you liked so much.

Do you remember her reaction?

She was just a girl.

This is a beautiful woman.

Yeah, and Pinocchio is a true story.

Ed, you're never gonna get this tart to your dessert plate.

- No, this is different. She likes — - Edwin. Edwin. Hey!

Edwin!

Hey, come on now. I told you about these people.

They only mate with their own kind. It's called yuppie inbreeding.

That's why so many of them are retarded and wear the same clothes.

They're not human. They don't feel love.

They only negotiate love moments. They're evil, Edwin.

They're repulsed by imperfection, horrified by the banal —

everything that America stands for, everything that you and I fight for.

They must be stopped before it's too late.

It's us or them.

- Okay, Jack. - All right.

Well, it's been a thrill, as always.

Have a perfect day.

Everyone here at the Jack Lucas Show says bye.

So long. Arrivederci.

I'll be sending you a thought today...

as I lie in the back of my stretch limo, having sex with the teenager of my choice...

and that thought will be, “Thank God I'm me.”

[ Laughing 1

Some of this is very funny.

They even secured the rights to the Donna Summer song...

to play over the credits.

Ooh, I have chills.

Are you sure they want me? I'm not gonna read it unless I have an offer.

Jack, of course. Not even a question.

When I talked to them on the phone this morning...

I could smell how much they want you for it.

I could smell it over the phone.

Ooh. Bums.

I don't have any change. Do you have —

I'm not opening this window.

Couple of quarters isn't gonna make any difference anyway.

I hate my cheeks.

Raoul called before — about dinner.

God. About dinner as a concept or about dinner with Raoul?

You're so witty.

I've got to get out of here, Jack, and do something.

You know, tomorrow is a very big day for me.

It would be nice if you pretended like you understood.

Fine. I'll say no.

- They're putting me on film tomorrow. - Fine.

First time in my life, I'll be a voice with a body.

You know what that means, what this could lead to?

It's a sitcom, Jack. You're not defining pi.

I'll remember that the next time you get excited...

by drawing pubic hair on Raisin Bran.

You want some?

No. I have to work.

How un-'60s of you.

I was nine in the '60s.

I used to think...

my biography ought to be entitled...

Jack Lucas: The Face Behind the Voice.

But now it can be Jack Lucas." The Face and the Voice.

Or maybe just Jack! Exclamation point.

“Honey, where's my orange cup with the teddy bear?

I'll kill that old bitch.

I have a fever. I really think I'm dying.

Well, forgive me.”

Hey.

Forgive me.

Forgive me, forgive me.

Hey, forgive me.

Forgive me.

Hey, forgive me.

Yeah.

Forgive me!

Whoa. Whoa. Hey!

Forgive me!

I have this.

I have this. I really have this.

They're evil. They're repulsed by imperfection, horrified by the banal —

everything that America stands for, everything that you and I fight for, Edwin.

They must be stopped before it's too late.

It's us or them!

It was Mr. Lucas's offhand remark...

that seemed to have a fatal impact on Mr. Ma/n/ck.

Marc Saffron is on the scene.

An after-work hot spot, Babbitt's is popular...

with single, young professionals.

Edwin Ma/n/ck arrived at the peak hour of 7." 75...

took one long look at the handsome collection...

of the city's best and brightest...

then removed a shotgun from his overcoat and opened fire.

Seven people were killed before Mr. Malnick...

turned the gun on himself and shot a hole through his head.

Representatives of radio cult personality Jack Lucas expressed regret...

however, no formal comment has been made.

Neighbors of Malnick said he was a quiet man who lived alone.

“You scarcely knew he was there”...

said a woman who lived next door to Malnick for 11 years.

But today, few will soon forget this lonely man...

who reached out to a world he knew only through the radio...

looking for friendship and finding only pain and tragedy.

Marc Saffron, Channel 7 News.

Fuck.

Garbage. People are garbage.

Pigs.

Go right ahead and panic.

- Hey, Mr. Happiness. - Yeah?

Are you gonna do a little work today or what?

What, out there?

They're not terrorists, Jack.

They're just ordinary people like you and me.

Breakfast of champions, right?

That — That one. That'll do. it'll be funny.

And then the scary one.

Yes. That's right. A scary one and a funny one.

Excuse me. Can you help me? I'm at an absolute loss.

I've been looking for over an hour, and I'm losing my mind.

What I'm in the mood for is sort of a Katharine-Hepburny, Cary-Granty kind of thing.

Nothing heavy. I couldn't take heavy.

Something zany. I'm looking for something zany.

Or something modern will be fine too.

Like a Goldie-Hawny, Chevy-Chasey kind of thing.

You know, funny. I want to laugh. I have to laugh tonight, really.

Do you have anything with that comedian?

He's on that show. It's On the Radio.

You know the guy. He says, “Hey, forgive me!”

I get such a kick out of the way he says that.

He's so goddamn adorable. That would be perfect.

Didn't he make a movie?

Ordinary Peepholes.

It's kind of a big-titty, spread-cheeky kind of thing.

Excuse me. I just want to borrow him for a minute.

You're gonna love that.

- That was a frightening woman. - Are you in one of your moods today, baby?

If she didn't get something zany real quick, she was going to pull the pin.

Is this one of the days when you're in your — What do you call that thing?

- Your emotional abyss? - Her handbag could fucking kill us all.

Will you explain this to me, baby? Because I don't understand these moods you get into.

Anne, they're my moods.

You want to understand moods, have one of your own, okay?

- I hate desperate people. - Sweetie, baby, love of my life.

You hate people.

Look, why don't you take the day off, go upstairs, put your feet up.

I'll cook tonight. Okay?

All right. All right.

Honey, have you seen my orange cup with the teddy bear?

Grandma used it for her urine specimen.

[ Laughing 1

Here I am. I'm dying.