Whitney Cummings: Can I Touch It?

Ladies and gentlemen...

Whitney Cummings!

This is awesome.

I am shooting my fourth stand-up special this evening

in my hometown, Washington DC.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

A lot's happened since I made a stand-up special.

A lot's gone on in the past year.

I don't know if you noticed,

but people started caring about sexual harassment all of a sudden.

That came out of fucking nowhere.

I feel like the sexual harassment news has finally been going on long enough

to where my guy friends feel comfortable

complaining about how hard it's been for them.

Anyone have any guy friends

who are acting like they have no idea how to behave at the office?

All of a sudden, my guy friends say,

"What, so I can't even hug a woman at work anymore?"

You never could.

It's why we're in this mess.

No one wants to bump nipples with you at 9 a.m...

by the Keurig machine.

It's weird.

But as I say that, I want you guys to know, I get it.

Of course you want to touch women. They're so freaking cute.

They're impossible to resist.

I relate to your frustration,

because sometimes I will see a service dog at the airport.

And it's wearing a little vest.

It says, "Dog working, do not pet."

Now I'm in a pickle.

Because I'm going to pet that fucking dog.

This is going down the easy way or the hard way.

I mean, it's a dog. It obviously wants it.

I get your logic.

And it is asking for it with that adorable little butt.

I can see its butthole.

If that's not asking for it, I don't know what is.

But I don't. I never pet a service dog.

It's that vest. You're like, "Oh, God, that dog's in the middle of something."

You respect that vest.

I think that's what we need to start doing at work.

Women need to start wearing little vests to work.

"Lady working.

Do not hug.

Shit to do."

I feel like we were all getting a little sloppy at the office.

I used to work with this guy.

Every day, he'd run past me, he'd put his hands in between my butt cheeks,

like this, and he'd yell to the whole office.

He'd go, "I'm swiping a credit card, I'm swiping a credit card."

I thought it was hilarious.

I'd be like, "You're declined. You're declined.

Your card did not go through. No, it didn't."

That's on me. That is on me.

Um, that's my bad.

I'm not proud of that.

But now credit card machines, they have a chip reader now.

So you'd have to do that, and that is not okay. That is wrong.

That's wrong.

I have a couple of guy friends who are trying so hard

to not be creepy at work

that they're doing way creepier shit by accident.

One of my guy friends tried to compliment a woman he works with

and he called her "wife material."

He got in trouble and had no idea why.

He said, "What do you mean? That's not even sexual."

Calling a woman "wife material," that's like saying,

"I could fuck you forever.

So I'm going to make you sign a contract, so that, if you want to get away from me,

you have to hire a lawyer."

Just think it through. Think it through.

People really want to challenge me about all these women coming forward.

Someone came up to me

and was like, "Well, how do these women even remember what happened?"

Like, "Oh, because we're known for our amazing ability to forget shit.

Uh, we're known for just letting things go after a while. It's our thing."

Maybe some people don't understand that when you get harassed at a young age,

you might not even put together that that's what's occurring

until later in life when you're an adult.

That was one of my experiences.

When I was 19 years old, I got a job as an extra in a television show.

The first day I was there, the director, who was at least 65 years old,

invited me into his trailer for lunch.

So I go into his trailer. And I know what you're thinking.

"Why did you go into his trailer?"

Because I was an idiot.

I was 19 years old.

No one had told me trailers were bad.

There was a lot of shit I didn't know.

I also thought clear bra straps were clear.

Um...

I also thought that lady living with my aunt was her "roommate."

I also thought guys could be "allergic to latex."

There was a lot of shit...

...I hadn't figured out yet.

Don't blame me.

So of course I go into his trailer.

Out of nowhere, he just lunges at me.

I didn't understand what was happening because he was so much older than me.

I thought he fell. I was like, "Are you okay? Oh, my God.

Are you passing away? What's happening?"

No idea what to do with that story.

I don't remember the guy's name, but the good news is

I did accidentally stumble upon a great way

to deal with harassment at work from a creepy guy.

Just pretend you think he's having a medical emergency.

Next time a guy's like, "Hey, sweetie, want to get a drink later?"

just go, "Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!

Gary thinks he's in my league!

I don't know if it's, like, dementia or maybe it's a stroke.

Gary thinks I would fuck him. We've got to call an ambulance!

This is bad."

Don't get angry. Just get very compassionate.

That's my new approach.

I don't even get angry at cat-callers anymore.

My new thing with cat-callers is just do what they ask.

Because then they'll realize it's not at all what they want.

Next time a guy's like, "Hey, baby, smile," just be like...

People really want to argue with me about this stuff.

I had a guy come at me

and he was like, "You know, what if women start taking advantage?"

We got it.

We'll handle it when that happens.

I love that you guys think that we have no idea

that some women are batshit crazy.

We know.

Okay? We know way more shit than you know.

We see the text messages she didn't send to you.

We know.

We see the ones that are too crazy to even get to your phone...

because we're the ones that put a stop to that shit.

We're the ones like, "No, you're not going to kidnap his mom. Delete it, delete it.

Give me the phone. Give it to me. Put the phone down.

That's too many bubbles. He hasn't responded in five days.

Give me the phone.

You're not sending that.

You're not going to send an Adele song with six eggplant emojis.

Give it to me. Log out now."

We know.

You guys just don't know that we know

because we're in this climate where everyone's walking on eggshells

and no one's allowed to say anything negative about a woman

or people freak out. That's not healthy.

We have to get back to a place where we can call out women

if they're acting like silly gooses.

And there are some silly gooses out there.

Does anyone have any girl friends that think they're "feminists,"

but they're actually just "assholes"?

Someone's got to say it.

But I also think we have to be patient with women right now.

You've got to understand, this came out of nowhere.

For thousands of years, nobody cared about our feelings,

nobody cared about our opinions.

Then a year ago, everyone was like, "What do you think?" It was like...

"What the fuck?

I'm sorry, can you just give us one second?

We were not at all prepared for that question.

It's just no one has ever asked us that before.

Can you just give us a minute?

We were just taking a selfie with dog ears.

Just give us one second.

We're going to regroup and come right back to you with an answer.

Bitches, huddle up right now.

Um, they give a shit about us all of a sudden

and we have absolutely no practice being listened to,

so we need to level the fuck up right now.

Some things need to change around here.

First of all, the 'rosé all day' shirts have to go.

Just for a couple of years till we get out of the woods on this.

'Namastay in bed, ' it's not a sophisticated argument.

No more sassy shirts for a while.

You stop saying, 'totes.'

You're 40. Um...

We might have to stop calling each other hookers and whores for a while."

- Does anyone have that girl friend? - "Hey, hooker."

I actually think we need to steal from what guys do with their nicknames,

because guys build each other up with their nicknames, right?

"What up, champ?"

"What up, chief?"

"What up, boss?"

Guys give each other promotions in their nicknames.

I make television shows. I have an intern. He's 20 years old.

People walk in, they're like, "What up, boss?" I'm like, "What?

No, I'm your boss.

I'm your boss. That's nobody's boss.

That's my friend's nephew who was too stupid to get a job,

so I had to give him an internship...

because he got a two on his SATs...

...so that's nobody's boss.

Okay?

Best case scenario, he will be a hooker.

So let's just get this... I'm your boss."

I don't like any nicknames my girl friends give me.

They'll be like, "Hey, honey. Hey, cupcake."

I'm like, "What are you doing? You don't like it when guys call you that."

Let's just all stop calling women desserts for a while.

If you must call a woman a dessert,

at least pick a cool dessert, you know.