Santa Clarita Diet

Well, say something! What's happening?

Oh, my God!

He's still alive.

Okay, confirm a theory I'm working on.

Am I a severed head?

When you bit him, he must have turned.

- And we didn't kill his brain. - We didn't know.

Okay. So, that's a yes?

Fuck.

All this time, you've just been lying awake here in this hole?

In a pudding of my own guts.

Oh, God, that must have been awful. Although, you did attack me.

But look what you did to me!

God, I miss gesturing.

So, what happens now?

You can't live like this, so...

I guess we have to kill you...?

Are you asking me?

No, I was trailing off because it's uncomfortable.

None of this is ideal, Gary. And, clearly, mistakes were made.

But we would like to send you off with as much dignity as possible.

Would you like to hear some music?

We've got satellite radio, so we've got everything.

Sometimes too much. Do we really need 400 channels in our car?

- I know, right? - Okay.

Before you kill me, I do have one last request.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's not the way satellite works.

- You just get the channels. - It's ridiculous, the amount you pay.

No, I... I mean there's something I want you to do for me before I die.

Something... incredibly important.

- Really? You want us to do you a favor? - You buried me alive.

Not knowingly.

Dirt bikers. We should get out of here.

Okay. We'll find somewhere to bury the rest of him,

and then take him home and hear him out.

- I don't wanna take him home. - Do you have a better idea?

God damn it.

There.

- Good as new. - Hey, can I be in the living room?

It's kind of spooky down here.

The only reason it's spooky down here is because you're down here.

We could put you in a garden of lollipops and it would still be spooky.

So Gary, what is your request?

Well, I had a lot of time to reflect on my life while I was buried out there.

I wasn't a good person. Hurt a lot of people,

- only thought about myself. - Blah, blah, blah.

What do you need from us, Head?

There was only one thing I ever did I was proud of.

I always took care of my niece, Kayla.

She's had a lot of bad breaks, but I was the one person in her life

who always made sure she and her baby had food to eat,

a roof over their heads.

That's really nice.

He assaulted you. He's a creep.

People can be more than one thing, Joel.

Look, in my office, there's a deed to a summer house I own on Lake Michigan.

I want you to give it to Kayla so she and her little girl can...

get out of their crappy apartment in Long Beach, start a new life.

You do that for me, then I'll be ready to die.

I think being separated from your penis has made you a better man.

Maybe. It certainly has given me more free time.

Please, I'm the only family Kayla has.

I can't bear her thinking that I've abandoned her.

- No, fucking... - Joel?

I think we should do this.

God damn it. But then, this is it.

We deliver the deed to his niece, and then lights out.

Absolutely. See? You were wondering if we were bad people.

But only good people would do a favor for the severed head of their victim.

I think at best, we're in a moral gray area.

I fed Gary. I gave him pieces of the Serbian guy,

most of which fell through his neck into the vase, but he seemed to enjoy it.

Hey, what would you think if, for the bookshelves in here,

I built them out of cherry wood, like this?

Oh. Yeah, this is nice.

And what would you think if, instead of driving 50 miles to Long Beach,

we mailed that deed to Gary's niece in an envelope, like this?

We'd still be good people. Maybe even better

because our carbon footprint would be smaller.

I know, but it's Gary's last wish.

And Kayla deserves to know why she's never gonna see her uncle again.

And we owe it to her to deliver that lie in person.

I know.

I just wanted to have one normal day.

I know, things have been crazy these last few weeks,

but I just feel so guilty.

Gary loved his niece, and now thanks to me,

that poor girl's gonna be all alone in the world.

I get it. I just had a different vision of what today would look like.

Well, what did you want to do, sweetheart?

Well... I need a haircut.

This is insane. And I wanted to buy wood for the bookshelves.

And there's this new Chinese place on Riverside I'd like to try.

We haven't had a date night since this all started.

You know, normal stuff.

We can go see Gary's niece and still do all of that.

I would love nothing more than to have a date night with you.

Great. I also haven't written

a restaurant review for Yelp in a long time,

and my followers rely on me.

Elite status is a privilege and a burden.

Yeah, I was kind of hoping that Yelp thing would die with me.

But I know it's important to you, so I pretend I care.

Thank you.

Where's my phone charger?

Mom, did you take it with you to the basement?

Shit. We can't let her find Gary's head.

I know. I'm not worried about her being shocked.

- I'm just tired of her criticizing us. - Uh, I have one.

- I'll bring it down to you. Just hang on. - We have to keep her out of there today.

Oh, God, but if we tell her, "Don't go into the basement,"

- the second we leave... - She'll go to the basement.

So, what do we do?

I want you to clean the basement today.

Sure, I'll get right on that.

Is this you guys?

"Human body parts found near Rocky Peak Park."

No.

But it sure sounds like us.

God, this guy was really ripped to pieces.

Think there's someone out there like you?

Let's not make everyone's problems our problems.

People get ripped to pieces all the time.

- No, they don't. - They do for the purpose of my argument.

We have a lot on our plate, let's not go looking for more.

It really makes you wonder, though. Who could've killed this poor guy?

Thank you for taking me to lunch. It was fun.

Thank you for inviting me back to your apartment,

where you live by yourself with the bed and everything.

You know, I still feel bad you didn't eat anything.

Was Panda Express a bad choice for a first date?

- Yes. - Cool.

But also, I just wasn't hungry.

There are a million things I wanna do to you.

There's a million things I've had done to me.

But I did all of them myself.

Actually, it's just one thing a million times.

Can I have some water?

I'll get you that water.

Jesus Christ, it's happening.

Okay.

Oh. Stay calm, Eric.

Dumber people than you do this successfully all the time.

Wake up, old friend, your days of leisure are over.

Fuck me.

Hey, Romeo.

I don't have time for gentle ribbing. I'm in Ramona's bathroom.

She's undead. I think she brought me here to kill me.

- Oh, my God. Run! - I can't, she's right outside.

Okay, uh, lock the bathroom door.

What's her address? I'll be right there.

34 Sunbird, apartment 2D. Hurry!

And don't take McBean. It's a parking lot at this hour.

If I were you, I'd get on Magic Mountain Parkway

- and go all the way to Rose... - Eric, I'll find it!

Oh, God.

I should've brought more protection.

I'm sorry that we're not gonna make it back in time for your hair appointment.

It's all right. It's not your fault. There was traffic on the 405.

I just don't understand why people slow down to look at a mattress.

Well, it was brand-new and it had a cowboy boot next to it.

It invites questions.

If we hurry, we can still make the lumberyard

and get Chinese food on the way back.

Unless the other cowboy boot shows up and fucks us.

- Hi! - Hi!

- Kayla Lawson? - Yes?

We're John and Wendy Darling. We called earlier.

Yeah, you have some news about my Uncle Gary? Is he okay?

You know Gary.

No matter how bad things get, he always comes out ahead.

- We're doing that now? - No, I'm done.

Okay.

Really? So Uncle Gary just dropped everything and left?

He said he loves you very much, but he needed to change his life.

So he gave up all of his material possessions,

and moved to a remote village to help the poor.

- I wonder why he didn't call. - Great question.

Because he gave up all of his possessions, so obviously he doesn't have his phone.

Great answer.

- Did he say where he was going? - I'll take this one.

I think it was Guatemal...

No, he kept it vague because he didn't want anyone to find him.

Yeah, that's better.

For everyone.

Holy shit. Well, good for Uncle Gary.

See, I always thought that he would just grope the wrong woman one day

and she'd kill him.

- Nothing could be further from the truth. - Nothing.

Anyway, he wanted to make sure you were taken care of.

So he asked us to give you this.

It's a deed to a house in Michigan. Six acres on a lake.

All paid for and all yours.

Oh, my God.

I spent the summers here when I was little.

See, my parents are divorced, so these are some of the happiest memories that I have.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

And thank you for driving all the way down here just to give this to me.

You are such good people.

Thank you, Kayla. We're trying to be.