The Road to Edmond

No, no, no, no!

What?

Oh, what?

- Nice sunglasses. - Thanks.

- You got a light? - No, no. I don't smoke.

Alright, I think I have one.

You look sad as shit.

- It's complicated. - Isn't it always?

- Where are you headed? - Anywhere but here.

Man, why can't people tell the truth?

I don't even know what's true anymore.

Looks like you could use a little more than the truth.

Oh, I think, uh, my phone's going off here.

Oh, yeah, excuse me.

Hello? Yeah hey, how you doing?

No, no, no, no, it's alright. Yeah, mm-hmm.

Mm-hm, yeah.

Mm-hm.

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, man!

Oh, my God, you just hit my bike!

So, oh, sorry bro!

- Hey, do you know where Fat Willy's Diner is? - What?

- Fat Willy's Diner. - What are you talking about?

- Fat Willy has a Diner. - Why'd you hit my bike?

- Uh-- - This is a vintage bike!

- Do you know where Uncle Billy's Favorite Things are? - What?

- This was my grandfather's bike! - It's a Mexican restaurant.

What am I going to do? I can't get these parts.

You're going to park in a bike area next time?

- Really? - Too soon?

- It was a joke. - Oh, my God!

There's no bike shop in this town.

How am I going to get this fixed?

So, exactly how far are you going?

I don't know, a couple hundred miles.

- What's so funny? - I smell road trip.

- Do you want a ride? - With you?

No, with the other person that has a van big enough

for your busted-ass bike.

Think of how hot and sweaty you're going to get without me.

Mm-hm, it's going to be going down your back.

Don't make me offer you a piece of candy.

Do you have any room in the back? For you?

Yes I do!

Oh, yeah, it's a road trip!

Be careful, White Lightning can be a bit delicate,

- but she's full of mysteries you've yet to-- Hey! - What is all this stuff?

- The bear's not a mean bear. - Do you live in here or something?

He's not going to bite.

- What is all this stuff, man? - Ooh! A fisherman?

Watch your pole.

Well, welcome to White Lightning!

Engineered for both pleasure and transportation.

My name's Larry.

- Cleo. - Hey, Cleo.

It's okay, it's just Cheeto dust.

Seems like you're having a bad day.

You just destroyed my bike.

And that's one way of looking at it. But you know,

I don't think you ride out in the middle of nowhere

with that bike unless you're running from something.

So what is it?

I don't want one.

I, I got told to take some time off

- from my job, so, just trying to get away for a bit. - Ouch!

Yeah, that's definitely a second hour

in the car topic, so let's just play a fun little game.

- No, I don't want to play a game. - I'm gonna ask you a question,

and you tell me an answer.

And then we'll be getting to know each other,

just Cleo and Larry

and...

if you could give all human being one virtue,

which would you choose?

- I don't know, pay attention to their surroundings. - Oh.

You know, be more aware of where people are

in the world so you don't run them over.

Ooh!

What's the last thing you cried about?

That's a bit too personal, I think.

Um...

Okay.

What's the next to last thing you cried about?

You can do either question.

Well, the last graduation I went to for some of my students.

- So you're a teacher? - No, not a teacher.

Math, you look like a math teacher.

I'm a youth minister, okay?

- A what? - A youth minister.

- I work at a church. - Like, you work for Jesus?

Something like that.

You work for Jesus?

And I've been sitting here in this car

and you haven't even told me about the Lord.

What happens if, uh...

your wonderfully interesting answers distracted me

and I like died, like that?

I'd just go to hell or something?

You got to help a brother out.

I'm pretty sure it's in your job description.

Along with, really probably voting Republican,

not liking gay people, denying climate change, avoiding, I don't know, science.

- Hey, hey, you don't know what you're talking about, man. - Definitely not a math teacher.

Boy I-- Sorry.

Uh, that was rude of me.

Not as rude as not telling someone

about the precious gift of eternal life.

But--

Are you even good at your job?

You're crying at their graduation,

but you can't even save a lost soul.

I knew I shouldn't have told you that.

Actually, how about this?

I'll help you out: Give me your pitch, Cleo.

- My what? - You know, professional religious types,

they always have to have a pitch ready,

because sometimes you encounter the heathen

and you have to be just prepared, uh, to,

to lure our souls into the divine embrace

of, uh, whatever brand of Jesus you work for.

- Do you really want to hear it? - No, I asked for no reason.

- Alright, so God is holy. - Maybe.

And, you know, we, we want to be with God,

but we can't, because we do bad things, right?

We sin, we run over people's bikes.

- We do bad things. - Well-- Okay.

And there are consequences to those bad things, right?

And...

we deserve...

death. That's the wages of sin, is death.

But, you know, God through Jesus

bore the consequences of those sins and defeated death.

Now we can be holy, we can be one with God again.

- That's all I got. - Ah, it seems a bit awkward.

No, it's, I mean, it's about like, sharing in the love of God.

That's what it's about, that's what the whole thing is for.

Well, I guess.

You should do more of the love stuff.

People love love.

You should, uh...

you should work on it.

If you're a youth minister,

I'm not talking about God right now,

then you've gone on road trips before.

So what do adolescents like to talk about on the road?

So let's imagine

I'm a young lad, let's say 13.

Hey Cleo,

how far is too far?

You expect me to answer that?

- If, uh-- - What are you even talking about?

- What about second base? - Oh, my God.

If I grab her titties but I...

- Okay, okay, alright, man. - ...hold it like this,

so I don't touch the areola,

is it, is it a sin?

When will you shut up? That's my question.

Let us consult with the Magic 8-Ball.

- And-- - Where did you get that?

Uh, I've had it since I was a kid.

It says: Prospects, good.

Never.

You're laughing!

I knew I could do it, I knew I could do it.

The last person I talked about stabbing their penis

with a spoon, they laughed too, Cleo.

Now, next time it's time for song, you know what to do, alright?

Me and White Lightning have never had an accident

- we couldn't recover from. - What's White Lightning?

That would be who you're sitting in.

This beast, this beauty,

this road professional!

Who names their car?

People that love their automobiles.

I know you know what love is.

White Lightning is full of love, not so much holiness.

She mostly specializes in road trips and

naps, she's really good at naps.

And what else does White Lightning do?

Never breaks down.

- High quality shortcut, Cleo. - This doesn't look like a shortcut.

- Well luckily you're not driving. - Are you sure about this?

- White Lightning, is it a short cut? - I don't know.

- This does not look like the right way to go. - He said, yeah.

We are going to get so lost.

Did you make a wrong turn?

No.

I think we're having a problem here.

- You went the wrong way, didn't you? - Nope.

White Lightning appears to be napping.

What do you mean, napping?

- It's off. - What?

- Can you stop it? - Well, I can use the brake,

and we can coast all the way this way,

- I guess. - Are you kidding me?

- I don't think it's a joke. - What are we going to do?

Yeah.

We are stuck in the middle of nowhere now.

Well, it's not nowhere.