Desperate Housewives

Previously on...

Carlos' niece arrived.

We want you to be part of this family,

but you will obey our rules.

Lynette and Tom got big news.

We're gonna have another baby. Twins.

You would actually send your wife to prison?

My wife... no. My ex-wife... you bet.

Orson resorted to blackmail.

I think you're the most fascinating woman

that I have ever met. And Karl made his move.

Katherine's marriage to Mike...

That woman I was with, tell her I had to go.

It's an emergency. Was put on hold.

You guys are in danger. Get out of that car.

Get away from Dave.

and when the dust settled, wedding bells rang

for someone.

The veil was made from the finest silk.

The garter was trimmed with handmade lace.

The shoes were designed by the top couturier in Milan.

You see,

the bride wanted only the best for her wedding day

because she was about to marry the best man in the world...

for the second time.

How do you feel? Like the worst person in the world.

Don't do this to yourself.

Katherine is never gonna forgive me for this.

Mom, this is your day.

You and Mike were meant to be together.

Wish me luck.

Then by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you

Husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Yes, the bride wanted

the best wedding money could buy.

But as she left the altar, it suddenly occurred to her...

Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?

She should've spent more on security.

It's not hard to find sin in the suburbs.

Just look behind closed doors.

That's where you'll find your neighbors

cheating on their taxes...

and drinking too much vodka...

and stealing their father's magazines.

Yes, the suburbs are filled with sinners,

some of who occasionally... repent.

We can't do this.

It's adultery.

Luckily, we're both adults.

Mmm. Stop! I'm married.

Yes, to a man who's blackmailing you.

Don't you think making love to your divorce lawyer

would be a nifty way to get back at him?

Mmm.

Oh, Karl. No. No!

No. What now?

If I'm gonna break a commandment,

I don't want it to be for a quickie on this couch.

Who said quickie? I've got 40 minutes before my 10:00.

And thou shalt get sweaty. I wanna do this. I do. But not here.

I need to feel special.

But you are special.

Are you saying

You've never made love to another woman on this couch?

Not a special woman.

Okay. All right.

I get it. I get it.

I want this to be nice for you. I'll find us a hotel.

Call me later when you've set something up.

Done.

Ahem.

And just so we're clear, this visit was not billable.

Morning. I'm late for school. I don't have time for breakfast.

At least take a muffin.

Thank you, Uncle Carlos.

Kind of warm for a sweatshirt, isn't it?

Oh, it gets really cold in the classroom.

Mm. Stop.

Lift it up. Gaby.

Girls who spend an hour on makeup

do not wear baggy sweatshirts. Lift it.

Well, that oughta heat up the classroom.

Go and change. Gaby, what is your problem?

All the girls in my class dress like this.

That's why your school nurse is an obstetrician.

Wear something else. Fine. I'll borrow one of your tops.

It might be exciting

for it to go someplace besides the supermarket.

Oh, snap!

Hey, you I can hit.

Do you see what I have to put up with?

It was just a shirt. Yeah?

And when she came home past curfew, it was just 40 minutes.

And when she took money from my purse, it was just $5.

Why do you always make excuses for her? She's had a sad life.

Her mom's in jail. Her dad walked out.

Yeah, yeah, she's one dead dog away from a country song.

I don't care. Well...

Maybe she would calm down

if she felt a little more secure here. I'm not signing those papers.

We need to be her legal guardians. And look after her for the next two years? No.

Until I see a change in her behavior,

I'm keeping all my options open.

Is this better?

Yes. Very nice. Thank you.

Stop.

Mmm. What do I smell?

Despair. Mortality. Paralyzing fear.

Oh. I thought it was waffles.

Do you realize that when these twins finish high school,

I'll be in my 60s?

No.

No, you'll be in your, uh...

Huh.

At their graduation,

I will be the crazy old lady with oatmeal on her chin.

Look, I know this wasn't planned,

but we... we can do this.

I mean, we had a lot of fun raising the first four kids.

But we were done, Tom. We were across the finish line.

No more diapers.

No more strained carrots.

No more reading stupid "goodnight, moon"! Lynette...

And with Preston going to Europe,

we even had one moving out!

We will never be done

if we birth two every time one moves out!

That's just math!

Eight and half months to go.

Yay.

Are you all right?

You know what's funny?

I was never able to picture us old together,

sitting on the porch, gray hair.

I tried,

But I could never see it.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Katherine, you don't have to... Mike, please.

I don't need another reminder of you.

So... how'd it go? How was she?

She was... Okay.

"Okay"? What does that mean?

I mean, did you tell her everything?

Did you tell her we're getting married?

Yeah. I think she's trying to take the high road.

The high road? Um, as in, "I wish you and Susan the best"?

Or the high road as in, "when I cut Susan's brake line,

she'll careen off the high road"?

Well, she knows it's over, and she's dealing with it.

Mm, that must have been really hard for you.

Yeah, it was. Mm.

But now that she knows, it'll be easier when you talk to her.

Me talk to her?

Uh, why? Why? Why?

I... you're the one who was dating her,

I'm... I just... I don't...

I think we're good now.

Honey, you're gonna have to deal with her at some point.

Fine. Yes, I will. I will.

Um, just, uh, not today, 'cause today Julie's coming home

and, uh... you know, I wanna get her settled in.

So... what about tomorrow?

Ooh, that's not good either,

'cause Julie and I are gonna pick out my wedding dress.

You live right across the street from her.

You can't avoid her for the next 50 years.

Well, not 50.

Just till she's too old to throw things.

Don't worry about it.

I think Katherine's really gonna surprise you.

All of the windows are triple pane energy efficient.

Oh, and I should mention the hardwood floors were

completely redone recently. Black walnut.

It's nice.

So do you have any questions for me?

Nah, I think you pretty much got it covered.

Really? Check me out!

I'm... I'm new at this. I just got my broker's license last week.

Congratulations.

It's a pretty nice house for your first listing.

I got really lucky. The woman who handled

the properties in the neighborhood...

she slammed her car into a pole and got fried by a power line.

Like I said, congrats.

Uh, Mrs. Bolen's been awfully quiet.

So what do you think? Me? I'm thinkin' you're full of crap.

I'm sorry?

Well, the fact that we can afford this place

says to something is wrong with it.

So, uh, start talkin'.

Mold? Termites? Leaky roof?

Honestly, I have told you everything that I know.

Sure, you could play it like that.

But if we do buy this place and it turns into a money pit,

I'm gonna need to take my anger out on someone.

Like maybe the realtor who made a big deal

out of telling us he lives right across the street?

Okay, well, I don't know