The Boys

I'll fucking kill you.

I got you something.

Terror! Does he still hump everything?

He does his best.

My grandma was diagnosed with leukemia.

I discovered a cure.

They laughed at me.

Fuck them all.

Heavens to Betsy!

What's that smell? It's Soldier Boy. I can smell him all over you.

- Where's Noir? - He just disappears every afternoon.

Won't say where he's going. Won't say shit.

- I trusted you. - Are you still butthurt

- about me bringing in Stan Edgar? - I thought we were friends.

I needed a win from Homelander, Edgar was it.

If we get the V1 first, we save Annie, we save Kimiko.

If Homelander gets it, he's immortal.

A punch like a bleeding sledgehammer

and a taste for fucking smack.

Bombsight.

Enriched uranium.

Good luck getting out of a Supe-proof cell

while you're bleeding out of your ass.

The V1 wasn't here.

Just fucking do it already.

I was visited by an angel.

Today, we commit ourselves

to a divine rebranding.

I am the Messiah.

The Democratic Church of America!

Homelander! Homelander!

They're up before dawn.

They got a thousand heads of cattle to herd.

It's hard work and strong coffee.

Old leather saddles

and the worn stock of a trusty Remington.

And when the sun finally rises over the range,

the cowboys know

America is God's country

and Americans, God's chosen people.

So shouldn't we have our own church for Americans

with American grit and American values?

Founded by the greatest American of us all?

A true American prophet?

Come home to the Democratic Church of America.

Come home to Homelander.

Already, the campaign's Aided Awareness

outpaces the norm by plus-22 points,

led by white men and women, ages 36 to 54 and 55 to 72.

We are also seeing massive growth on the ground level.

Yeah? 'Cause I'm seeing massive growth myself.

Church attendance is up,

and our online donation CTR is at 44%.

That's a new record. Amen.

Amen.

Next up is a 500 million ad blitz

with OOH, e-blasts, print and digital.

Ain't nobody won't know about the Democratic Church of America

and its chosen prophet.

Prophets are servants.

Of course.

Sir, great point.

We're just trying to ease people into it.

No, no, no. We need to prepare America for my ascension.

We must be honest. We must be direct.

- I like "savior." - Mm.

Or-or--

Lord.

Yes, I couldn't agree more, sir.

- Mm. - Religion is not about being meek.

We should dominate

the seven mountains of society,

bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. Amen.

- Amen. - Amen. I love all that.

So fucking dope.

Easter is just around the corner.

How perfect would it be for your second coming

to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection?

Mm. Second coming?

Let's be clear, I am not the son of God.

Yeah, well, of course.

Many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son.

Well, that's just confusing.

I don't want my church getting involved in all... that.

Exactly.

Besides, if we pull up our timeline,

you won't have...

this.

We're gonna drag our feet because of a book?

Not a book.

The book.

The Homelander Bible.

Heavy.

What the fuck?

It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament,

and the Brand New American Testament,

written by A.I. trained on the works of Pat Robertson.

See, we need to pass the torch, sir,

from Jesus to you.

Sir, we don't get more than one chance at a first impression.

Are we really gonna rush something this important?

- We ain't Arby's, after all. - No.

We're the Cheesecake Factory.

Okay.

We'll do it your way.

Thank you.

You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval

is likely to generate widespread civil unrest?

Local law should be able to handle the suburbs,

but we could use extra hands in major metros.

Oh, let's recall all Supes stationed overseas.

American heroes should be protecting America,

- not Who-Gives-A-Fuckistan. - Great idea.

- Something wrong? - Everything's peachy.

Well, I can see why they call this the city that never sleeps.

How could you with all that racket?

- You get used to it. - You seem to have.

City life seems to suit you.

I guess.

I was surprised you called, Reverend.

Well, I was surprised you answered.

It's been a while, and, uh, I said things I regret.

We both did.

You remember when you used to stop by the church after school?

Use your powers to light our candles?

I remember staying for supper.

Oh, man, those Fish Fry Fridays.

I never liked eating alone.

Or were you making sure I got at least one hot square a day?

Reverend, is something the matter?

I'm embarrassed to bug you with all of this, but, um,

the last couple of weeks have been rough.

We've been bleeding congregants to the Democratic Church of America,

and what folks are sticking around, they're scared.

- Why? - 'Cause last Sunday, somebody, um,

melted our stained glass window of Mary.

- Melted it? - Mm-hmm.

It was our local Supe, Praying Mantis.

He sprayed acid out of his butt.

- I mean, his... his glands, his whatever. - Yeah.

- I know him. - It was a message.

I called the sheriff. I called the mayor. I called half of Florida.

You're all I got left.

Reverend, I don't know what I could do.

Well, you got to be able to do something.

You're Homelander's right hand.

Homelander's not too keen on being challenged.

Why not just pay the franchise fee and join?

Honey, we can barely afford to pay our water bill.

Besides, the Democratic Church of America?

God does not favor one nation over another.

- Doesn't he, though? - No.

Name one way God's ever blessed Canada.

Just 'cause Homelander tells you that the sky is red does not make it so.

You still have that, uh, that Jesus action figure?

I'm surprised you remember that.

How could I forget it? You carried it with you everywhere you went.

You almost wore the face off the thing.

Do you still carry him?

It's complicated.

No, it's... I don't think it is.

Homelander is a... he's a great American.

He can stop bullets, he can fly, and do amazing things.

Those aren't miracles.

And he is not God.

If you're the same Misty Tucker Gray that I taught the Bible to over fish,

I think you know it, too.

We ain't doing that again.

That's what you said the last six times.

No, I really mean it this time.

You seem a little out of it. Did you nut?

'Cause usually you nut.

Were you baptized?

Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut Hill.

Governor Sproul did the honors.

My family kept up appearances, of course.

Then we never set foot in church again.

I had lunch today with the reverend who baptized me.

He's been getting heat to switch over to our church.

You think Homelander might be open to going easy on him?

Just... give him a little more time?

I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody, but that man practically raised me.

So you didn't nut?

You know, this whole Homelander as God shit, it's...

it's fucking ridiculous.

Really? You think so?

If he's the second coming, then what does that make me? Joseph?

I mean, talk about the biggest cuck in history.

Man trades his best cow to bag some hot-ass virgin,

and then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet.

Fuck that.

I guess I've been struggling with where to place

Homelander in my heart in relation to Jesus and the Lord.

Okay.

Of course I worship Homelander.

I mean, he's always been a god to me.

Look, I'll tell you this.

If there is a God...

...sure as hell didn't come out of my balls.

- I got to go. - Where you off to?