How I Met Your Mother

Kids, it was two days before Barney and Robin's wedding,

and everything was going off without a hitch.

Ah.

Been waiting for the perfect time for this, and, my friend, that time is...

I saw you and Robin at the carousel.

Okay, there was one slight hitch.

She called me to help her, and there you were

in the rain holding hands with my fiancée.

- What up? - Nothing up.

Everything down. All parts of me down.

Look, you were busy, so I-I...

I went to the park to help her look for this locket she buried years ago.

She couldn't find it, she got upset, I held her hand. End of story.

Cool! I just wanted to air that out. You know, bro to bro.

You're my best friend and my best man.

Of course I trust you.

Oh, come on. You don't have to cry about it.

It's not that.

That was a $600 bottle of scotch.

: Oh, my God.

I hope Marshall gets here for the rehearsal dinner.

Thank you, Linus.

He's somewhere in Wisconsin in a rental car.

- Hertz? - I mean, it hurts a little but I'm not gonna cry about it. Hey!

We've been doing that all afternoon.

Oh, who's that for?

Marshpillow.

Kids, as you may recall, whenever Marshall left town for a few days,

Lily would compensate with a body pillow she dressed up and named Marshpillow.

Pretty normal stuff.

But with Marshall stuck driving across the country,

Lily decided to upgrade.

Meet Marshpillow 2.0!

Hey!

Am I on?

Hey, guys!

- Hey, Marsh. - Hey, Marshall. - Hey.

It's like you're really here.

Hey, Ted. Can you give me a gander of the environs?

Wow!

This place looks beautif...

Wait for it.

- He's frozen. - (Lily groans)

Same thing happened last night at the worst possible time.

I had just gotten on all fours and taken off my panti...

Now Lily's frozen.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

...ful.

This place is beautiful!

Wow. Lily, it looks like you really put some time into this, huh?

Though I wonder if instead of dressing up your giant husband doll like Malibu Ken,

you could've spent a minute or two-- I don't know--

planning the weak ass bachelorette party you threw me?

I-It's possible I forgot to send out the Evite.

Robin!

Happy bachelorette party!

You invited Patrice to my bachelorette party?!

No.

You know, it's funny.

When I was planning Barney's bachelor party,

I managed to wrangle his boyhood hero, Billy Zabka,

from The Karate Kid.

But you scored Patrice.

I'm sorry, Robin.

I-I've just been so consumed with our move to Rome.

I guess I forgot to invite the girls.

Yeah, Lily, I'd like to show you how it's done.

Billy Zabka, what a great guy.

Look at how thorough Ted was planning the best man poker game

he's throwing for Barney.

Wait, I think I'm on some sort of delay here.

Best man visor for the dealer.

Customized playing cards.

Barney's the king.

And... the queens...

- are naked. - It was my first decree.

Hmm.

Plus, Ted handwrote all of the table cards for the reception in calligraphy.

The man's a wizard with a pen.

Oh. I don't know about all that.

Though I was approached by the decorating committee to make the...

signs for our senior prom.

I'm told they were quite the hit.

Hey, buddy, listen, you're gonna kill me, but I forgot to bring the table cards.

Uh, I'd hate to ask you to redo them...

Say no more. The best man is on it.

- Thanks, Ted. - (scoffs)

S-So now the best man is painstakingly handwriting 200 table cards,

but my maid of honor forgot to click "send" on an Evite.

I didn't forget to invite the girls to your bachelorette party.

You have no girls!

: What?

What?

What?

What? I... All my girls.

I gave you a list.

- This list? - Yeah.

"Tall girl from work,

"mouth-breather from coffee shop,

"average-sized girl from that place"?

Ooh. Sorry I didn't track her down. She sounds great!

She's actually kind of a bitch.

Face it, Robin. You hate women, and...

women hate you.

Ted didn't go to his prom?

Classic.

While Lily was dropping the ball as Robin's maid of honor,

the best man was busy knocking it out of the park.

Hey, buddy, listen,

my great-aunt Ida has corns on her feet and needs a first-floor room.

- Uh, would you mind switching rooms? - Say no more. The best man is on it.

Thanks, Ted.

- (shouts) - (whoops)

Hey, buddy, listen,

the wedding doves got here early,

- and I don't know where to put 'em... - Say no more. The best man is on it!

Thanks, Ted.

Poor guys.

All cooped up.

I guess there's no harm in letting you out for a bit, huh?

They carpet-bombed my entire room.

Wish I'd closed my suitcase.

And my mouth.

Hey, buddy, listen,

I see you wrote "N-O-period" instead of the number sign.

- I'm worried that might confuse the guests... - Say no more.

The best man is on it.

Thanks, Ted.

Here they are.

Freshly penned table cards in a pretty decent chancery

considering I only had my travel quills.

Wait. Why's the poker game started?

Oh, um, the best man moved the time.

Mm, no, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

Heya, Ted. Thanks for the sweet lid, bro.

: Billy Zabka's your new best man?

He's the best... around.

Sorry, Ted. Maybe next wedding.

What... So you're playing the best man poker game without me?

Tim Gunn's here and I'm not?

I'm Barney's personal tailor, of course I'm here.

Plus, I've never played poker before. It looks like a hoot.

I moved into a dungeon. I wrote hundreds of cards.

I even gave your batty great-aunt Ida a foot massage

so vigorous it put her to sleep right there in the lobby.

Yeah, I don't really have a great-aunt Ida.

So you are mad about me and Robin holding hands.

Of course I'm mad, Ted.

Holding hands is, like, the fourth-grade equivalent of banging.

Well, in your case, 12th grade. Self-five.

You broke the Bro Code.

No, I did not. I only went to help Robin as a friend because you didn't show up.

- I did not break the Bro Code. - It's in the text.

A bro shall not have a weird moment with another bro's fiancée.

Well, too bad we're in Farhampton and can't actually check.

I am pleased to announce that the Bro Code has replaced

the Gideons Bible at select hotels throughout the country.

Oh.

I'm sorry I said you hate women.

Yeah, don't be.

For whatever reason, I just...

I can't seem to connect with them. Down!

Can you help me? I've got a bunch more wedding gifts in the van.

Yay! I love Robin so much!

: Oh, God, I'm gonna strangle that bitch.

Robin, what is it with you and women?

They're so annoying.

I'm glad that you're my only female friend.

Girls are always whining and crying over every little thing.

- (groans) - (crying)

Yes. That's exactly...

Thank you. "Oh, oh, boo-hoo.

"Look at me. I'm a sensitive little girl..." Oh. God, I'm sorry.

You're actually crying.

It's just so sad.

I can't be your only girlfriend.

Well, I... I don't need anybody else. I got... I got you.

For another six days and then I'm off to Rome for a year.

What are you gonna do without our Saturday morning brunch with a side of sassy gossip?

A one-shot power play?!

Hey! Hey, Boston!

Why not drop your hockey pants and actually take a dump on the ice next time?!

I love it!

See? It is just too horrible to even think about.

- Yeah. - You...

need another female friend.

Whenever I try to talk to women, they look like they want to punch me.

Well, maybe you're accidentally giving off the wrong vibe.

Like, what do you say to other women at the gym?

Oh, well, I haven't been to the gym in forever.

My metabolism is all messed up.

See, I can moose down a pint of fudge ripple

for a midnight snack and wake up having lost weight.

Well, everywhere except for my boobs.

So annoying.

You're gonna need a lot of work.

It's in here. Somewhere.

I... It has to be.