Goon: Last of the Enforcers

Hey, everybody. I'm James Duthie.

Yes, he is, and I'm Chad Bailey,

the sexy roguish new face of our parent company's effort

to rebrand Sports Desk for a new generation.

Sports Desk - it's not delivery.

It's Sports Desk.

Okay. Uh...

We go live to Reading, Pennsylvania.

With the Big League officially shut down

thanks to the lockout,

all eyes are on the EMHL tonight

as the Reading Wolfdogs get set to take on the Halifax...

Highlanders, this season, the big show made it to us.

This lockout means there's gonna be a whole bunch of big dicks

swinging their way down to our league.

Play's gonna get faster, the hits are gonna get harder,

crowd's gonna get crowdier.

You fucking boys are the Light Brigade

and you're gonna need someone at the tip of the spear.

- You need a captain. - Yeah.

He's bled blue and orange for this team a long time.

That's right.

He's got that shit that keeps him going

long after he has any reason to.

Let's open that up.

Dougie.

Time for you to put this fucker on.

Come on!

It looks good on you! Alright.

A C! Whoo!

Thank you guys so much.

I've never been a captain before.

One time, I had a dream

that I was the captain of a monkey ship.

There was all these monkeys playing around,

laughing, having fun, singing,

wearing little monkey sailor hats...

...fighting over life jackets.

Pierce Brosnan was screaming.

I hope one day I can be the captain of your dreams.

Best wishes, Doug Glatt.

Okay, yeah. Alright, good. Well, we, uh...

Doug, we didn't make you captain for your speeches.

We made you captain because...

Because you leave it all out there on the fucking ice.

Ah, this sport is everything to you, right?

You make me proud to own this team.

I want you all to watch Doug out there tonight.

Watch him do whatever the fuck it takes

to get us a W.

That said...

Come on! Let's get after it, boys!

- Congrats, bud. - Thank you, buddy.

Joining us for tonight's game,

our own Red McCauley.

Reading City Council

spent a bunch of money on a new jumbotron,

and right now, it's making everything red.

Go, boys! Go! Let's go!

I love this fucking game.

Halifax and Reading.

Here's LaFlamme dancing with the puck.

LaFlamme spins. He shoots.

He hit the post!

Now it's LaFlamme again! He's all over the ice.

Murphy steps into him.

Oh! Glatt absolutely levels Michael Murphy.

Sorry, Mikey.

Glatt's escorted aside by a couple of Reading Wolfdogs.

LaFlamme. Xavi was flattened. That angers Glatt.

Glatt fires a left. He fires a right.

Sorry, Mikey!

They're falling. The Wolfdogs are down.

- Sorry, Mikey? - Shut the fuck up, Doug.

And that is what friends are for,

especially when your friends are huge Jewish guys

named Doug Glatt.

LaFlamme takes the puck. He moves up the left wing.

LaFlamme trying to go to the outside

as the penalties expire.

Both sides at full strength.

LaFlamme in behind the goal, takes it into the corner.

He circles, looks in front.

Awaiting there is Glatt, but LaFlamme holds on.

Jams it. He scores!

LaFlamme makes it 1-0 for the Halifax Highlanders.

- Alright. - Reunited and it feels so good.

It's a new dawn for the Halifax Highlanders.

- You're like Captain America! - Captain America.

New owner and GM Hyrum Cain's plan

to win a championship in his first season

starts off with a bang

as the Highlanders open the scoring.

Highlanders draw first blood at the buzzer,

but the real story here is the physical play.

Doug Glatt,

like a huge Jewish freight train, doing what he does best.

His tilt with Ross Rhea still number one

He's already proving to be a difference maker

for Halifax GM and Highlanders Hall-of-Famer Hyrum Cain.

The other story to follow is Hyrum's son, Anders Cain,

who's coming off that career-high season last year:

80 points.

Anders now finds himself up against his own father's team

in the very first game of the season.

Anders is the prototypical modern-era tough guy,

able to drop the gloves and put up the points as well.

Anders and Xavier LaFlamme are perfect examples

of the kind of top-quality talent

this lockout is already providing the league.

What a great lockout.

No-one ever says that.

I just did, and I'm Chad Bailey. Sports Desk.

It's sports at a desk, you lunatics.

Look at this motherfucking desk.

I wanted to thank my big sis, Eva,

for organising the fuck out of this.

If you're gonna get shittered,

might as well get shittered at my place of work.

Place of work!

Place of work! Place of work!

...just add some cheese in there.

Oh, shit! There he is! Dougie!

When it gets to a certain length,

I just go to the barber

and he cuts it to the length that I want him to cut it to.

- Thank you. - Attaboy, Dougie!

But just to summarise, that's a yes on mandatory neck guards?

Yes. That's correct. Thank you.

Okay, now, while we have you here,

is there anyone back home you'd like to give a shout-out to?

Yes, thank you.

I want to say hi to my one teammate, Eva,

who couldn't be here tonight.

She's my teammate that can't be here right now.

- My wife, Eva. - Doug with that big dick!

That's not appropriate.

I'll do whatever my team needs me to do.

Yeah, you do!

Whatever you need.

My beer's back.

Oh, f...

Fuck's sake!

Jesus Christ. Goddamn it!

No-one wants to skate anymore, is that it?

Do you want to sit here and breathe hard?

Dougie, you're on.

I want you to rough up a few of these Reading cunts right now.

The boys need some inspiration and you can provide that.

Let's go. Come on! Come on!

Here it comes.

You wanna go?

Come on. Come on.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Yes.

Jesus Christ!

Anders Cain with the opening salvo.

- Come on, come on. - Doug Glatt is rocked!

Cain just keeps pouncing.

'The Thug's in trouble, folks.

What has happened to Doug Glatt,

the champion in so many eyes?

- You fuck! - You popped your whole arm out.

Fuck me.

Did I lose?

Our boy's moving on to greener pastures,

but remember, once a Highlander...

- Always a Highlander! - Fuckin' A!

This one's for you, Dougie.

Jesus Christ, he's drunk already.

Fuckin' right, man. Potato fuckin' salad.

You will never eat a meal in peace.

Animals don't eat in peace.

Animals eat pieces of dog shit.

I'm not a fuckin' animal, man. I'm a real person!

- I got real fuckin' emotions! - Fuck you.

Ow, you fuckin' Neanderthals!

I'm so fucking tired, Doug. I'm not as fast as I used to be.

I'm not as tough as I used to be.

Dougie! This is all for you!

How about you? How much recovery time?

The doctor said that I should never play hockey again.

Tabarnak.

Yeah, that's exactly what I said.

And we have a baby coming.

Eva's cousin, he's got a job opportunity

at an insurance company.

- I mean... - Sing Dougie boy!

...I got beaten.

He beat me.

I have to make responsible decisions.

I got you. I got you.

Stevesy, I think I'm gonna piss myself.

Hey! There's my guy. Stay there. I'll come to you.

- Ooh. Yeah. - Just stand here?

Just, uh...

- I told you I'm coming to you. - I'm Doug Glatt.

I said I was coming to you. I can do this.

Prostate. It's like a fuckin' melon.

There we go. See? Flat, I'm fine. It's the stairs.