Modern Family

- Daddy. - What are you doing up?

I can't sleep.

Wait. You eat while I'm in bed?

Is there a meal I don't know about?

A couple.

But you need to hit the hay, buddy.

I need you sawin' logs until 0700.

I don't know what any of that means.

Gloria and I are going through a romantic dry spell.

Luckily, she's out tonight with her friend, Rebecca,

who is married to a jackass.

Gloria always comes home ready to show her appreciation.

Suddenly, me going to bed with socks on

is not such a deal-breaker.

Aw, geez.

I'm home! Hey, Jay.

How's Rebecca?

She's never been better.

So, she left her husband like a month ago,

and it's like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

Speaking of shoulders,

are you ready for one of my famous massages?

No, I'm good.

It's her.

Hello?

The waiter?

I knew he was flirting with you!

Don't forget about that clod she married!

You got one of the good guys!

And he didn't have to write down our order,

so you know that he won't forget your birthday.

Ay!

Joe leaves all his toys on the floor.

I tell him to pick them up, but he doesn't listen.

I'm telling you, it's a disaster in the bedroom.

I don't know what to do.

It's like he can't remember where things go.

Eventually, I get so frustrated that I take care of it myself.

Spanking?

Well, yeah, I guess we could try that.

Actually, now that you mention it,

Javier and I tried it a long time ago.

It was a game-changer.

Ay. Rebecca is doing so well.

Sounds like she's having fun.

Navy used to make us watch films about girls like that.

Well, her husband never really gave her what she needed.

Did she tell him?

No. But sometimes it's more exciting to be with someone

that already knows what you want without you telling them.

Got it.

Ay! Hey!

Wh-What the hell was that?!

Nothing! You know what?

I think I forgot to lock the front door.

== Synced & corrected by MaxPayne ==

- There he is. - Oh, now, don't get mad.

I know I said I was only getting tulips for the party,

but I splurged and I got orchids.

Hey, I wanted the party to be special, too. Okay.

And in my defense, I didn't know about the orchids.

I got a piano.

Really, where?

I recently got a pretty fancy job

working for billionaire Michael Quinly.

It's kind of a big deal. It is a big deal.

Now, admittedly, throwing a party

to celebrate your own reversal of fortune

could be seen as braggy.

Sort of a rags-to-bitches story, if you will.

Then again, for a while now,

when I've been telling my friends that I was struggling,

they'd give me "that look"...

the one that's mostly sympathetic

with just a touch of enjoying my pain.

So, today, I get the other look...

the one that's mostly "I'm so happy for you"

with just a hint of "I am wracked with jealousy."

It'll be good to see the old gang again.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, you.

What's going on? You, uh... you texting a boy?

Just figuring out my summer plans.

I remember the summer of my junior year.

I followed N.W.A. on tour... Nebraskans With Accordions.

This was before Polka Pete was brutally murdered, of course.

Yeah, this is a little different.

I'm actually up for an internship

researching the minimal supersymmetric standard model

at M.I.T.

Cool. Beantown.

I don't know why I'm getting all girly and excited about it.

It's not like I'm gonna get it anyways.

What's with the quitter talk? If you want my advice...

No, I don't, but thanks.

What is all this junk?

Fruit Roll-ups, chips, chocolate milk? Ugh.

Th-There's nothing in the fridge.

I'm packing you a lunch.

I've always heard there comes a time in life

when the kid starts parenting the parents.

I thought it would be when I was in my 40s.

But I'm pretty mature for my age,

and my dad claps when he gets waffle fries.

What are you even still doing home?

Don't you usually open your magic shop by now?

Yeah. I'm just going in a little late.

Doesn't sound good for business.

And I saw you sneak those carrots out of your lunch.

I'm trying to avoid one of the other shop owners.

Kind of an intimidating character.

It started with a dispute over a parking space

and escalated from there.

Hey... we don't avoid bullies in this family.

We stand up to them.

Off you go.

I don't think you realize what kind of person I'm up against.

Yesterday, all my dribble glasses

were replaced with real ones.

It was humiliating.

So, Long', we have a lot to catch up on.

What's up? Not my weight.

The Tom Brady diet changed the way I see the world.

Food, not food, super-food, poison.

Oh, well, okay, that covers you.

I was going to ask about you,

but, you know, I'm always nervous about the answer.

Well, you know what? Let's roll the dice.

So, it turns out that I... Hey, Mitch.

- Hi. - Hi.

Where's Cam? Hey. Oh.

Claire, what a surprise.

What are you talking about?

You asked me to bring over the piano music.

"Party-time Favorites."

Oh, my gosh, how apropos.

I'll just set these on our new piano... Mm.

That I know how to play.

Great party, boys.

We need to talk about the piano in the room.

Uh, well, yes, so, okay, okay.

So, Cam has always wanted one,

and frankly, it has been out of our price range

until this week.

Fun story. It turns out that I...

- Hi. - I'm being rude.

Sam Turnbull.

Oh! Claire Dunphy.

Hi. You are the editor of L.A. Woman magazine, right?

I believe it's pronounced "La Woman."

It isn't.

It's funny because your office called my business last week.

Apparently, I'm on some short list

for the Women in Business issue.

- Closets, right? - Yeah.

I shattered the glass ceiling...

and ironically, we have a new glass-ceiling closet.

You can see if it's raining when you're getting dressed.

Gonna save a lot of suede.

Well, it's, um, pretty competitive this year.

Oh.

Anyway, I'm meeting someone on the other side of the piano.

I should leave now.

Oh.

I don't even care about his stupid magazine,

but to be dismissed like that?

Hey, everyone, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.

We never get to see each other anymore,

what with our busy lives.

And Jotham's ambient music compositions,

and, uh, Deepak's guerrilla gardening,

and, well, me and my big new job

working for Michael Quinly.

Yeah.

The rich guy whose name is on all those museums?

And hospitals, yeah. So, to all of us!

Ah, congratulations.

It's really great. We're all...

We're all so happy for you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, hey. Hi.

You saw the look, right? Yeah.

Pure love and support with just a hint of rancid envy.

A word.

But I'm basking. Um, Cam.

So, while you were talking, I got online,

and... your new boss was caught embezzling.

Your company is crumbling.

No! No! This... This can't be happening to me again.

You know what? You'll find something else.

Oh, my... Cam, I literally just bragged

about a job that doesn't exist.

Okay, okay. They cannot know,

or else this will turn into an actual pity party.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I-I got this.

Hi, everyone.

So, we are about to get to know one another on a deeper,

more personal level.

I think you all know what the bowl is for.

Hey, no. Not your keys, Jotham.