Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

- Hey, Heath. - Name's Heather.

I'm a student. I'm a student.

I'm a student?

So tell me some other stuff about my future.

The wedding is in two weeks!

I just wanted to drop off

a little wedding present for you.

Does this have anything to do with

Robert and Harvard Law School?

- Who's Robert? - Right, so Robert was my dog,

and he just left me one day.

- Robert, you know you can't leave me. - It's over.

Josh is leaving me to become

- a priest. - Sue him.

Breach of contract, financial damages.

Why doesn't anybody understand what I really want?

Well, what do you really want?

I want him to face what he did to me.

Do you know what this person did to me?

You're gonna know everything he did to me and every terrible

thing he made me do. Oh, my God, I told him everything.

Oh, my God, I told him everything.

I told him everything.

Oh, my God, I told him everything. I told him everything.

I told him everything.

Stop saying that.

And take off that stupid dress.

It's embarrassing.

- Ugh. What are you doing here? - You have no one to talk to.

Your anxiety is so palpable,

it's manifested in human form as me, who is you.

- I guess that makes sense. - You told Josh

all the shady, lying crap that you did,

and you did some crazy things, bro.

Even I'm surprised, and I'm you.

Tracking his car, breaking into his home,

spying on him while he had sex with other girls?

I mean, who does that stuff?!

And then you confessed it all to him. So stupid.

So now he knows the truth about you.

No. Wait. He doesn't know the whole truth.

Uh-uh. He thinks Robert's a dog.

Yeah, everyone thinks that.

Yeah, and that's your only saving grace,

'cause if people found out

that Robert was actually a professor that you stalked,

and then you tried to burn down his apartment,

which got you put into a loony bin...

Hey, "loony" is a derogatory term.

Loony! Loony! Loony!

Ugh. The things that you told Josh are unforgivable,

and once he tells your friends,

oh, they are all gonna be done with you.

He's not gonna tell anyone.

I mean, he's not even in West Covina. He's up in priest school.

- Pre-school? - Priest school.

So, yeah. Why would he tell anyone?

Uh, maybe because you're about to sue him?

Yeah, you're gonna literally force him to defend himself.

You handed him his defense with that rant in the church!

Oh, my God, you're right.

Oh, my God, I didn't even think of that!

Of course you didn't.

Now, you need to call off that case,

you stalking, obsessive, psycho, crazy...

I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy.

Don't call me crazy!

What?

What?

Well, you've been standing there all morning.

And I thought maybe you threw your back out, and I have a massager.

Actually, I have two... one, two.

So, turn around, let me get on in there.

- Get out of here. - Oh. Okay.

Why are you anxious about this?

There's no need to be anxious. It's easy. Just call off the case.

Let sleeping Chans lie. It's fine.

Also, you need to keep your internal monologue internal

starting now. (sighs)

Hey, Rebecca. Wait. - What? What? What?

Um... (clears throat)

- Well, I, uh... - Hmm?

I was, I was thinking about, um,

well, about the other night.

When I tried to kill Josh's grandfather,

that was weird.

Right? But the other thing that happened between us...

That wasn't weird, that was... that was cool, right?

Are you asking me if us having sex was cool?

: No, I wouldn't do that.

That would be weird. I wouldn't do that. That's...

It's just that ever since the, you know, lovemaking,

- the sex-making, um... - (clears throat)

... I haven't heard from you.

Yeah. Okay, so, um, sorry. I've just been

a little distracted, and I actually really can't talk now.

Oh, there's Paula. I got to go. Bye.

Hey, hey, hey, Paula.

Um, I need to talk to you about the case.

Ooh! Yes. No, I need to talk to you, too.

Um, okay, so you know our favorite Internet thing?

Celebrities with cellulite that look like kittens with yarn?

I forgot about that. No, our favorite blog.

The Corset.

- Feminist news, nail art and more? - Yes!

I tweeted at them, told them a little about the case,

just enough to wet their whistle, and...

they love it!

They love it. They want to do a piece on how the two of us

are using our legal acumen to defeat the patriarchy, AKA Josh.

Me and you, two ladies of the law,

just standing shoulder to shoulder

with the scales of justice and no shirt on.

Paula, we need to drop the case.

What? Why would we... ?

What?

So, listen, I appreciate how hard you've been working.

I-I really do.

But I worry that our case isn't strong enough.

What do you mean?

Okay, so you've taken the lead on this,

which I so, so, so appreciate,

but I was looking over some of the filings

last night... your filings...

- Yeah... - and I don't think

our legal bona fides are where they need to be.

It's a cute case, like, for a law student.

It's-it's-it's cute, and, like,

I see the effort behind it,

but I-I'm seeing the effort... too much.

Oh, my God.

From one lawyer to another,

someday, future, hopeful lawyer,

I want to let you know...

It's like if you had spinach in your teeth, I'd tell you,

and right now, I want to let you know

on a professional level, we have spinach in our case.

: I-I-I thought it was good stuff, and I was wrong,

and I'm super embarrassed, and I feel really stupid.

- No, no, no. No, don't feel stupid. Don't feel stupid. - No, no, no. No.

Look, you're in school. You're learning.

- It's fine. - That's what school is for.

Thank you, because I was about to file all those documents. Oh, well, that...

- Which I will not do. - Well, that would have been embarrassing.

- That would have been horrible. - That would have been embarrassing.

And I will call the editor

of The Corset, obviously, and tell them

that we are not interested in an interview. (sighs)

Smart. Now, that's a smart idea.

Yeah, but-but it's okay.

We move on. Right? We're done.

- Ned, what are you doing? - You're done. Get it?

You're done with college.

What?

I'm not a great bursar.

I should have noticed this earlier, but Heath...

Um, it's "Heather," actually,

so just one more syllable, and then you're there.

Okay, Heather.

You've taken every course we have, all of them.

You took men's hockey... twice.

Of course I did. The cool of the ice,

the sound of the puck hitting the stick.

What a rush.

Well, we don't let people stay here

after they've completed every course,

so, once you finish marine biology next week,

you will be graduating.

No. No. No, no. I'm a student.

Oh, not after next week.

Here is your cap and gown.

Congratulations, Heather.

Spread your wings.

You're about to fly!

Is everything okay in here, sir?

Yes. Why?

So, listen, Nathaniel,

you've hired and fired me numerous times.

I've failed you at basically everything

you've ever asked me to do.

Does this lead anywhere other than "you're fired" again?

But I see it. I see what I can do for you,

what I can bring to this company.

I told you, we don't want to feature

your pottery in the lobby. Thanks.

That's not it. That was just...

That's one of the things that I offer,

and I think it's actually still very much on the table.

What I was going to say, though, is,

I bring a lifelong experience in rejection.

What are you talking about?

Look, I saw you out there with Rebecca.