Saturday Night Live

The little house on the prairie burns to the ground will not be seen tonight,

so that NBC may present the following special program.

And now, in response to Ronald Reagan's address on the Panama Canal issue,

here is former President of the United States Gerald R.

Ford.

Hello, my fellow North Americans.

It feels so good to see you again, and I've not seen you.

I've not seen you or addressed the nation since my last time being president.

Tonight I wish to urge the ratification by Congress of the Suez Canal Treaty.

I feel that we should turn over the canal to our tiny little neighbors to the south,

the Panamites.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Honey, it's soup now.

Thank you, Betty.

I'm on television now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

Bring it down.

You know how I am when it's soup.

I'm on the go.

Okay.

You know, Liberty, sit.

Every administration since Lyndon Johnson has been in favor of this treaty.

I would say that was Johnson, Nixon, Carter, me.

That's three.

Three and a half, if you count me.

Oh, Betty.

Now hurry up and eat your soup, dear, because if you don't eat it quick,

it turns into a cup of nettle soup.

Oh, you nasty chemicals.

And since I'm here, I'd like to say hello and reiterate my support of the ERA.

Thank you.

Thank you, Ron.

I'm sure all the ERAs will be appreciative of it.

Now, many people are confused about the Suez Canal, and, well, might they be?

Let's look at a map, shall we?

Before there was a Suez Canal, if you happened to have a boat or were on

a boat and wanted to get from Washington, D.C.

to San Francisco, you had to kind of do this.

Very long way down and around the Cape of Good Horn, and up and through,

this was not easy.

Now, you would have been so surprised and unhappy if you had not seen the canal.

We've changed that.

Let's take a look, shall we?

Now, should we want to get to California, we simply come down around here the same

way and to the canal...

along the west coast of the Targin River.

Again, if we could have just another glimpse of the new map.

Let me turn this around here.

Almost wind.

Live from New York, it's Saturday!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I can't believe this.

It's been over a year since I've been gone and I really miss the show.

I'll tell you one thing, I miss more than anything.

Quite seriously, and that is the applause.

I miss that more than anything.

I just want to say that my friends, the people who put on Saturday night,

even since I've been gone before or after, still put on the best damn comedy show on

the air.

And I thank you, I thank you on their behalf.

I do.

I must tell you, it's great to be back in this town and I think, you know,

let's be honest, New York City is the greatest city in the world, isn't it?

This trip, I've been spending a lot of time in Brooklyn.

Yesterday, I don't know, in Los Angeles, we don't have many delicatessens.

They don't have Negroes, they have nothing.

But I spent a lot of time yesterday at a little delicatessen in Queens.

Queens?

Of course, there's no place more exciting than Manhattan to me.

That's why Manhattan is...

Unless, of course, that place is Queens.

I think that it's very hard to express how I feel in words, and, uh...

Well, if it's all right with you, I'd just like to sing a short number.

Oh, man.

The more I see you The more I want you

Somehow this feeling Just grows

Thank you.

How about that band, huh?

What a week!

Not just for me.

I guess we found a real-life Rocky in that Leon Spinks, huh?

What do you think?

Yeah.

He deserves a lot of credit.

He really does.

I don't want to take anything away from, I think, the greatest heavyweight champion

of all time.

No question about it, Muhammad Ali.

What do you think?

How about that Muriel Humphrey, huh?

Absolutely.

Haldeman's book coming out.

Even more dirt about Watergate.

I don't know how you feel.

Don't you think Nixon suffered a much, uh...

Enough?

Much too much?

Hasn't suffered enough, has he?

Should have put him in jail, right?

You know what I really love about your applause?

Is it spontaneity.

That's kind of what live TV's about.

Great live television.

It seems spontaneous.

Uh, but you see, it really isn't.

Every word is written out and put on cue cards.

It's true.

I'll show you.

Al, could you give me a card?

See, this is really the illusion of spontaneity.

Uh, we...

Thanks, Al.

Give me the next card.

Oh, by the way, Al, come on up here, Al.

This is Al Siegel, our cue card man, and he's done a great job.

He's got a lot to do, a lot of work.

Incidentally, you've been a great audience.

I think you all owe yourselves a round of applause.

Please.

How many times has this happened to you?

You have a bag of moths, yes, moths, and you're trying to find a fast,

efficient way to reduce these moths into a flat, easily portable size.

As everyone knows, fresh moths in the bag are bulky and unmanageable due to the

sheer volume of their stout little bodies, and it just seems that no amount of

hammering, crushing, or pounding by hand ever gets the moths as clean, flat,

and portable as you really want them.

Well, those days of frustrating, disorderly, messy moth-pressing are

finally over, because now you can do it this dynamic, modern way with this

incredible household tool, the MothMasher.

Yes, MothMasher is the amazing new hot-press moth compactor from Rovco.

Here's how it works.

Simply place the number of moths that you want to carry with you in the MothMasher's

pre-cut plastic panels.

Then put the panels in the MothMasher.

Press lightly.

See how quickly and easily the MothMasher presses cumbersome, bulky moths into thin,

plasticized wafers that fit neatly and flatly into your wallet along with your

credit and identification cards.

Now, isn't that amazing?

And look, I used the MothMasher to crush these fat little moths into a distinctive

letterhead for my personal stationery.

The MothMasher hot-press moth compacting system from Rovco, only $19.95,

while this TV offer lasts, includes Masher, moth plasticizer panels,

and this booklet, Making It With Moths.

Order yours now.

Send $19.95 check or money order to MothMasher hot-press moth...

Want a cigarette?

Oh, no, thanks.

I don't smoke.

Ah, good.

Neither do I.

That was terrific.

How was it for you?

Okay.

Was it just okay, or was it...

really okay, you know?

Well, it was really just okay.

Well, did you, uh...

No?

Did you...

Hmm?

Did you have... Did you...

Well, couldn't you tell?

No, I'm not very good at those things.

I can't figure those things out too good.

I don't know.

Confused me.

Well, why did you ask?

Well, I mean, I figured anything.

I mean, we've just been very intimate, as intimate as you can be, you know,

and, uh, I'd feel sort of guilty if only one of us was satisfied, and, uh,

you know, that's not like I didn't try.

Oh, I know.

Did you?

Well, look, don't worry.

I mean, sometimes I do, and I don't even know it.

I've never heard of that before.

When it happens to me, I know it.

I won't.

Well, girls are different.

You know, I didn't even know I was allowed to have one until I went away to college.

Do you usually have one, though?

I mean, is that...

Well, you see, it's like this.

You see, I never really feel them immediately.

You know, they...

It's sort of like, uh, they kind of store up, and then I feel them all at once.

Usually on the first day of quorum.

A lot of girls are like that.

Well, then, do you mean you did have one?

Well, uh...

You might have?

Yeah.

That's good.

I feel better.

What time is it?

Oof.