Please Like Me

Oh, no. Adele's a rooster. Adele is a man.

Oh, no. I can't deal with her today.

She can just be a girl for another day.

- Hello? - Claire!

So, thanks for picking me up, you dicks!

Taxi driver called me 'princess' and he sang A Whole New World to me.

Arnold and I are coming down. We took drugs.

Tom broke his wrist. It was all very exciting.

God, it's not a whole new world, is it? It's the same world.

The only difference is that now I've got no money!

It's nice to finally meet you, Arnold.

- Mmm. You're very pretty. - Yeah, Ok.

One, two One, two, three, four

Ooooh, ooooh Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah

Ooooh, ooooh, Oh, yeah

Oh, the good Lord knows it

Ooooh Oh, the good Lord knows it

Ooooh I left better behind to be

Fine

Take my Mama, turn another blind Eye

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I left better behind to be fine

Why won't she learn?

Maybe she has all the answers and just can't get it out?

No, I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure she's just yelling,

"I'm a fucking dude, I'm a fucking du...

Wake up everybody and check out my mohawk!"

Ok, I'm sectioning off this bit of the cast.

This is my bit, Ok?

Everyone else can be boring in their section, but this is mine.

I own it, Ok?

Yes. It's yours.

Ok, so, I'm gonna write your dreams on it. Tell me your dreams.

I don't really have any dreams.

What are your dreams, Thomas?

Lately I've been thinking about how I really wanna go on a water jetpack.

Water... jetpack.

I am writing it down

because I believe that it's a legitimate dream,

but they can't all be this silly, Ok?

Ok.

Ok, next dream?

I don't know! I just... I don't have any dreams worth writing down.

If you can't be real about this, Tom,

then this section of the cast is gonna be left blank

and everybody's gonna think

that you just don't have enough friends to fill a cast.

So... be a shame, wouldn't it?

We'll continue this tomorrow.

So, I think I'm in love with Adele, the transgender chicken.

Yeah. Yeah, I am just so in love with her.

What are our options?

We can take her back to the farm.

They will kill her, but we do get a refund.

$15, which we'll probably use to buy a roast chicken.

- Delicious. - Mm-hm.

Or we can Google how to kill her humanely, kill her and eat her.

Do you think we could even enjoy eating her?

No. No, we will just be so sad.

Well, you've always said that you wanted to raise your own meat.

You've always pontificated about how disconnected society is from meat.

- Did I? Was that me? - Oh, yeah.

Like, "Meat is so pre-packaged and neat, but meat isn't neat.

Meat is messy,

and the only thing that's noble is to kill and eat your own meat."

Yeah, but not Adele! Adele's such a babe.

I think that she's had a better life

than most of the chickens we've eaten, so I think it's Ok.

I think it is just Ok that we eat her.

I mean, we just have to, yeah?

I've really been pontificating about it for years.

Hey.

Arnold, I think we're gonna eat Adele.

Yeah.

It's not right.

She shouldn't have to die just because she was born a man.

It's like China, but in reverse.

If we're gonna eat her on Sunday, then we have to kill her on Saturday.

- What? - Oh, Tom. We have some bad news.

- No, no, no. - It's the best thing we can do...

- No! I'm out. - Yes! Can't be out.

- Can't we just get her desexed? - No, that's not a thing.

You're not killing Adele!

It's time to put on your big boy pants and kill Adele.

Tom, if we don't kill Adele, then a stranger will kill Adele,

and we can't let a stranger kill Adele.

I wouldn't want you to let a stranger kill me.

You can't kill Adele in front of Shakira and Beyonce.

I don't want Shakira and Beyonce to live in fear.

We need a cone to stop her from running around, so that's a fun job.

You and I can go heist a traffic cone.

Big-boy pants time.

- Whatever. - Don't you dare give me a job.

Ok, Claire, we're gonna build an isolation cage.

An isolation cage?

We need to isolate Adele for 24 hours before we kill her

so that she doesn't eat.

- What? - That's not a very fun job.

I don't have a chance with you.

Yeah, we should even things up. I should be handicapped in some way.

I'll get the axe.

It is awful, yeah? Like, I don't just think it's awful 'cause it's my mum?

What do you think of my orchid?

Good things. It is a good orchid.

My psychiatrist makes me keep it so I learn to trust myself.

Right.

Orchids are very hardy, actually, Hannah.

They do very well on their own in the wild.

Maybe I should just release it.

I killed an orchid once.

Did it help you learn to trust yourself?

No.

I thought you might bring Claire for a visit.

No. Erm, she is... she's jetlagged. She's all jetlagged.

They say it takes four times as long

for the soul to reach the same destination as the body.

So, when you arrive at your destination,

your soul takes days to catch up.

What a lovely thought.

Is that a lovely thought?

Is it lovely to imagine Claire's soul drifting all alone across the ocean?

Don't be sarcastic, Joshie.

He's Ok. He's just testing the boundaries.

Two men in the house and all that.

No.

Stuart, honestly, you... feel free to inhabit all the boundaries.

I chose a dog from the pound once, I called it Dipstick,

and on the way home from the pound,

Dipstick jumped off my lap, out the open window,

and under an oncoming truck,

and Dad just kept driving.

We never spoke of it again.

Remember when we were high on MDMA and Ella asked us about monogamy?

Yes.

I just... I've always thought monogamy was archaic,

like, unnecessary pressure on relationships.

You wanna go and have sex with other boys?

I really like sex. I think that's Ok.

You like sex. Sex is fun.

And as long as we're smart and safe, there's, like, negligible risk.

Can you tell me what you're thinking?

Uh... I think this sounds like a shit deal for me,

you going off and having fun sex with other boys.

You know I have nothing on.

It's only if we're out of town or whatever

and I would never replace time with you for time with another boy.

Is it 'cause you're going on a maths summit? Is that why?

- No. - Is this a pre-maths summit chat?

No.

What if you go off and have some sex with some maths genius

and then you fall in love with the maths genius?

I'm not gonna fall in love with a maths genius.

All I know is A-squared plus B-squared equals C-squared.

Is that even good? Is that a good thing to know?

Honestly, whether we're open or not isn't gonna protect you

from me falling in love with some maths genius.

If... if I find someone better than you, then that's just tough.

I don't know! Can you give me an example, an example of a dream?

Ok, so, I would like to be a teacher in a rough neighbourhood

who makes all the students realise that hip-hop is the same as poetry

and then they rap Shakespeare to me as a surprise.

Yeah, that's good. Put that down. No! You can't have my dream.

Sometimes I fantasise about being a hero

in a plane crash or a fire,

but then that seems like a selfish dream

because it means people have to get hurt just so I can feel tough.

- Ok, I'll just write "be masculine". - Not that!

Ok, so, we've got water jetpack, being able to eat bread,

and feeling masculine.

Yeah, I'm quite happy with that, actually.

Why are there two orchids?

Oh! I'm gonna join you in the orchid task.

- No! - Yes.

No. This is not a team-building exercise.

Oh...

It's a Phalaenopsis bloom.

It's even the same as mine.

Yeah, 'cause it's the same flower.

What, you don't even know the name of your own orchid?

- It's Michael. - Oh.

Ella's staying over again again?

- I just have no idea what's going on. - Is she homeless?

Maybe, or maybe she just likes Tom. Equally concerning.

You could have told me that Tom's got another annoying girlfriend.

- Oh, come on. She's alright. - She's exhausting.

"Oh, my name's Illa!

Let's go skupping at the beach and have brik-fast at mud-night!"

Not exactly a new way to be, is it?

I can hear you.

I wasn't trying to, it's just that there aren't any doors

between where you are and where I was, and I have ears.

- I'm so sorry! - No, it's fine, really.

You see?

It's like watching a Disney princess

trying to make it in the modern world.

What the actual hell?! I can still hear you with my ears!

Sorry!

Ok, so, you know when you were a kid and you thought you had to grow up

and marry a girl and have kids and how you wanted that?