Cold Feet

Your kingdom awaits.

Holy moly.

Cece would flip over this place.

Yes, indeed.

- I done good, boys. - Uh huh.

- No wonder he's the best man. - Oh, actually-

Actually, we're all the best men, so.

That's right, equals.

Eddie couldn't choose between us.

His compassion knows no bounds.

- That's right, feels good. - Yeah.

- He's a coward. - Thanks, bud.

Ow, that hurts.

All right, moving on.

That is just lovely.

So, if you gentlemen will follow-

- You know, actually, Eddie was my best man.

And I'm sure if he had to pick one,

it would be me, but you know,

I'm just happy to be a part of the team

as like their captain.

Happy to have you, man.

Seriously?

I found the house.

So I think team captain might be a bit

of a stretch there, Kyle.

So, this is your elegant dining area-

Okay, wait.

Just hold up.

Mason, no one asked you to do that.

Team captains are proactive people.

You'd know that if you were true captain material.

I have five kids.

I'm pretty sure I'm more qualified to lead

than some flighty musician who doesn't even make music.

- Let's keep the lines of communication open, guys.

Sharing yields nothing but positivity.

Lotta love.

Yup.

Great.

So here we have a kitchen that I think

you'll really enjoy, gentlemen.

It's something I'm quite proud of.

No, your eyes do not deceive you.

There are multiple cutting boards, sorted jams and jellies.

Cece who would go to town in here.

I mean we could feed our a little army just fine.

- Kyle, have you guys ever had sex and not had a kid?

- Oh. - Yes.

Had to think about that, huh?

Aha, classic bro banters.

Good stuff, come on.

And now, presenting.

Take yourselves a little dip.

And yes, that is a salt water pool.

- Okay. - Total notch water, boys.

Nailed it!

Aha, kids will go bananas in this.

Kyle, do you have a family or something?

It's hard to tell.

I know, I know I'm going on about

my wife and kids too much.

We're having ourselves a boys trip.

- Oh, yeah. - You know what I'm sayin'?

I love to pal around.

Talking about Johnny's latest conquest in what not.

Yeah, it gets weird.

Yeah, that Johnny sure gets around, huh?

- The old sly dog. - Yeah, poor Sheila, right?

Whoa, how do you know Johnny?

Well, I don't.

It's just the way vicarious Victor over here was talking,

I mean, I know the type.

Must've left the window open.

Gets a little drafty up there.

Excuse me.

So, do you guys all think it's weird?

You mean, like Johnny talks about women

and you practically jerk off in front of everyone?

Nah.

Don't know what you're laughing about.

- What? - As soon as Jenny

locks your ass down you are gonna be racking up

all sorts of hours at the spank bank.

Spank bank.

Yeah, making deposits and withdrawals about Kim all day.

- Right, boys? - Kim is a friend

just like you guys, that's it.

Totally, except you don't wanna fuck us.

No, only Neal wants to fuck us.

I'm gay, not desperate.

Sorry, Neal.

Sorry, Neal.

That was great, guys, thanks.

Oh, looks like Carl's not coming.

What, what did he say?

Congrats on being better than me.

I know when I'm not wanted.

Dot dot dot, single tear emoji.

What the hell, man?

Hey, I get it.

I wouldn't wanna be the only one here

who isn't a groomsman either.

- Best man. - I am?

- Yeah! - You are all best men.

- We've talked about this. - Great.

I feel terrible, I love that guy.

Oh my God, do not feel bad about Carl.

It's not like he isn't used to rejection.

The guy is a parking enforcement officer for God's sake.

I mean, his whole life is one big rejection.

Nice.

- Hey, big on clarity. - Yeah.

Big on being a piece of shit.

Stop it, stop it!

Gentlemen, uh, I forgot about an important matter

that I have to tend to.

So if you will kindly excuse me,

I'm sure you can finish up the tour yourself.

I'm sure you'll find everything to be to your satisfaction.

- Me casa is su casa- - Hey, su casa.

That's right, enjoy your stay.

- Thanks, Oscar. - Right on.

- Thank you. - Gracias.

Well, he's crazy so that's cool.

- Is there anything you wanna actually ask me?

- No. - You sure?

No questions here.

All answers.

Where'd you get those pants though?

- The pants store. - Ooh.

Hey, how you doing back there, bud?

- Just keeping my aquaphobia from paralyzing me with fear.

Thank you for checking.

- Hey, Ben, did the other stuntmen beat you up

and take your lunch money?

- Wait, what about that movie where you dove into

that lake because that house was blowing up behind you?

There were regulations.

There was protocol.

That is wild water.

Chaos.

- All right, um, hey. - What?

Why didn't you bring Isabella?

- Dude, that'd be like kicking things up a notch,

and I ain't ready for that.

- You've been with her for two years, Mason.

You can't keep stringing her along, man.

Hey, I am not stringing her along.

Look, I even break up with her every once in a while.

If I was stringing her along

then there'd be no timeouts obviously.

You know he's right, Mason.

You gotta make a choice.

Maybe you're just meant to fly free, you know?

Stay on the prowl.

- Yeah, so Kyle can whack off to your stories too.

Oh, ha ha, very funny.

Cashing checks at the spank bank.

Remember the, remember the spank bank thing?

Jeff, just let it go man.

Copy that.

You know I would expect someone with

a broken heart to be a little more sympathetic.

That's all I'm saying, Jeff.

You know you're right, Kyle, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to yuk it up with the boys.

Just trying to forget, but now I remember.

- All too well. - Goddamn it, Kyle.

I would've done anything for Taylor.

Anything, I was even about to get a job.

Yeah, that might've helped.

- Is that why you and Dusty aren't married?

Because you're unemployed?

- What? - Jeff, I'm a pediatrician.

- Animals? - Are you kidding me?

Cool, when did you start doing that?

- Uh, it's only been a thing for about a decade now.

- Don't worry about it. - Okay.

- Meow. - As to why I'm not married

to Dusty, I just don't want us to ever feel

like we're locked into something.

You know, we're together because we wanna be together,

not because we think we have to be.

But hey, congrats.

You guys want some drugs?

Happy bachelor party, cocksucker.

- Sorry, Neal. - Oh, sorry, Neal.

It means a lot.

Hey, Johnny, looks like we're gonna be

rooming together, so.

Oh, cool.

Cool, that will not be weird at all.

Yes.

Happy birthday, Eddie.

Thanks, Boyd.

You want one too, my boy?

- All right. - Yeah, boy.

Well, you know what?

We're all gonna give speeches on Saturday.