Ride the High Country

Previously on She-Hulk...

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

Who the hell is that?

Who forced you to escape this insanely high-security prison undetected?

A Sorcerer Supreme of the Mystic Arts, and his name is...

Wong. Just Wong.

He's either a sorcerer who lives in New York,

or a librarian who lives in Nepal.

Jen, there is the nicest young man who works at the coffee shop that I go to.

- His name is Yusuf. - Do not set me up, Mom.

No. No. He's much too young for you.

I'm not gonna be a superhero.

Jen, when you have powers like this, it's like putting a target on your back.

If you're gonna strut around showing off your powers,

you better be able to back it up.

- (SCREAMING) - (THUDS)

The ancient art of levitation.

Are you not amazed? Summoning fire.

Fire. Behold flame.

For my next illusion, the great Donny Blaze

- needs assistance from a volunteer. - Ooh!

- Oh! - Miss, if you may. Round of applause.

And what is your name, young lady?

Madisynn, with two N's, one Y, but it's not where you think.

Well, as the great Billy Shakes once said,

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Ah!

Donny Blaze!

Do the thing. Do the thing. Do it, do it, do it.

How about I try something with a little more heat?

Come on. Please, please, please.

Come on. Please.

Come on.

Donny Blaze!

FYI, these don't smell like anything.

Ew!

- (SCREAMS) - (THUDS)

Oh.

Where am I? What happened to all the goblins?

Who are you? Are you the goblin king?

No, I'm not. Where did you come from?

I grew up in Fort Lauderdale,

but now my dad lives in Phoenix with his new family,

so I go there sometimes.

- He married this woman... - Did a cut-rate magician send you?

Um, not exactly.

He sent me to a diff dimensh and a talking goat helped me escape

a lava pit in exchange for six drops of my blood.

Oop. Then I kinda like browned out and now I'm here.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay, no, no, no. I'm gonna send you home.

- What's your address? - I don't even remember.

Wait. This is the one where they kill Adriana.

It was so sad.

- You just ruined it. - I cried for three days.

Donny Blaze is going to pay for this.

Mmm. You look happy. I guess you saw that Wong is back.

God, everybody loves Wong.

It's like giving the show Twitter armor for a week.

- Good morning, sweetheart. - Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, after that scare you had, I am here to beef up security.

I've got new locks, cameras, an alarm system and pepper spray.

- What's the shovel for? - Digging holes.

- Let's just leave it at that. - I don't need you to do any of this.

My daughter gets attacked by four men, and I'm supposed to do nothing?

Your daughter's a Hulk. I'm gonna be fine.

- What did the police say? - Oh, they said, um, police stuff.

You didn't call them? Are you serious, Jen?

I was a prosecutor long enough to know that they're not gonna catch these guys.

- Well, what if they come back? - I will kick their ass again.

And you can use the shovel.

Perfect.

Hey, hey. They're airing your interview again.

I think you should watch this time.

My client's name is Emil Blonsky.

Okay. We have got to get you some new clothes.

There's a very limited selection of clothing that fits my body.

Clearly.

How did you come up with the name She-Hulk?

- You ding-dongs dubbed me that. Funny story, I didn't.

Ms. Walters, I have a legal situation of the greatest importance.

Okay. Good luck with that, Jen.

Nice to see you again, Wong. How can I help you?

I'm having an issue with a "magician."

Notice how I used the word "magician" in quotes.

- I did, yes. - It's because he's not an actual magician.

This charlatan goes by the name of Donny Blaze.

He's a former student of the Mystic Arts

but he was kicked out after a week when he summoned three kegs

and his former fraternity brother Ky-Dog to Kamar-Taj.

He's now performing cheap human tricks

here in Los Angeles at the "Mystic Castle."

- Notice how I... - Not mystic. Not a castle. Got it.

Recently, Donny has been using our sacred teachings in his shows,

sending volunteers into other realms for casual fun.

But he barely has a grasp of the basics of inter-dimensional portaling.

Practicing the Mystic Arts without proper training not only endangers people,

it risks untangling the material and astral planes.

- Completely. - I need to make an example of Donny Blaze.

Set a precedent that no unlicensed persons

ever attempt to practice the Mystic Arts again.

This might be pretty straightforward.

Did Mr. Blaze sign an NDA or a non-compete?

No.

Was there a contract when he began training?

Students pledge themselves to be loyal servants of the Mystic Arts.

- And did you get that in writing? - No.

Ms. Walters, we answer to a higher power

that abides by the metaphysical laws of the time-space continuum.

Sure. But this is the American legal system.

No judge is gonna take this seriously unless we do things by the book.

- Oh, The Book of Vishanti. - No, the book of American laws.

Do you want to leave your information with me this time?

- Oh! Okay, that's very good. - Cheap human tricks.

- Okay, done with Wong's cease and desist. - Okay. Great.

Now your dating profile.

Onto the last bit of the Blonsky parole brief.

Whoo-whoo!

- Did you just "whoo-whoo" a parole brief? - Mmm-hmm.

I hated it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Excuse me, ladies. I hate to see two stunning women sitting all alone.

Okay, well, there's two of us. So by definition, not alone.

Can I buy you sexy ladies a round of drinks?

Okay, sir, we're clearly in the middle of work here.

When you change your mind, I'll be at the bar.

See, that guy is exactly why I don't date.

Oh, my God. You don't have to date that guy. Jesus.

There are plenty of non-gross people out there for you to date.

- Show me your Matcher profile. - No.

Jennifer. Again. Baby steps.

- There we go. - All right.

- Quite nice, actually. - Oh, my God.

We're not using your corporate heads hot as your profile photo.

What's your first date gonna be? Webinar?

- This is why I didn't want to show you. - Okay, there's no judgment.

But that was a really bad choice.

- Oh, okay. - Oh, my God. Are you swiping?

Yes, of course. Come on. It's a numbers game, all right?

After 500 swipes, you'll get about a third of those as matches.

And that's when the real filtering happens.

- Oof. Hetero life is grim. - Nikki, you're not helping.

Yes, I am. Come on. This is good. What if you made a profile,

hear me out, as She-Hulk?

- I thought you hated the name She-Hulk. - I do.

I don't know. I can't stop saying it. It's really catchy.

No. If I'm gonna date, it's gonna be as Jen.

- All right. - Regular old Jen.

I already have to be She-Hulk in the office.

- She-Hulk. - (SIGHS) She-Hulk.

- (PHONE CHIMES) - Ah. See? A match.

I do not have to be She-Hulk to get a date.

- (CHUCKLES) - Now give me back my phone.

You're killing me.

So, consider this an official warning to cease all practices of the Mystic Arts.

- Absurd. You can't own magic. - Yeah, you can't own magic.

And you can't trademark a spirit, register a soul, copyright art.

You can copyright art. Yes.

- This is a farce. - This is a farce.

Are you just hype-manning him?

- Maybe. - What's the matter, Wong?

Are you scared I'll become more mystical than you? (BLOWS)

The Sorcerer Supreme doesn't engage in competition,

but I am more mystical in my sleep.

- Prove it. - Yeah, prove it.

No. No one is proving anything.

- Here is a cease and desist. - Cease and desist?

What cease and desist?

- (SIGHS) - Fantastic.

- Yeah, it's sticking out of your shirt. - No, it isn't.

All right. We will see you gentlemen in court.

- (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh, shit.

Ooh, someone's on Matcher. Ooh.

- What's Matcher? - Hey, swipe right for a hot date.

Ew!

Got your ball.

"No, Officer. That stroller hit me."

And that's how I got a lifetime ban from Winnipeg, Canada.

Anyway, I hate LA. Everyone here is so phony.

See, I'm a New Yorker, through and through.

- Oh, how long did you live there? - Fourteen months.

But I decided I couldn't just be a yes-man to some stiff boss, you know?