Seinfeld

It's amazing to me that people move...

...thousands of miles away to another city.

They think nothing of it. They get on a plane.

They live there now.

Just a thousand miles- I'm living over there.

You know, pioneers- It took years to cross the country.

Now people will move thousands of miles just for one season.

I don't think any pioneers did that.

"Yeah, it took us a decade to get there...

...and we stayed for the summer.

It was nice. It had a pool. The kids loved it.

And then we left about 10 years ago, and we just got back.

We had a great summer. It took us 20 years...

...and now our lives are over."

- Kramer was on Murphy Brown? - Yeah.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Murphy Brown, the TV show?

Come on, will you?

Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun.

- It's something, isn't it? - With Candice Bergen.

- I know. - I've always liked her.

Remember her in Carnal Knowledge?

- Sure. - She show her breasts in that?

She's not really the naked type.

I can't believe I missed Kramer.

He asked me to go with him.

- He did? - Yeah. I turned him down.

- Why didn't you tell me? - He asked me to keep it a secret.

- You can't keep a secret. - I know.

This was a record. My previous record was when Jodi Hirsch...

...asked me not to tell anybody we slept together.

I kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.

- Well, you've come a long way. - I've matured.

The Tonight Show called and they want me...

...to do the show on the 28th. They're giving me free tickets to L.A.

You wanna go?

A free ticket?

Yeah. In fact, we could track down Kramer.

I always felt bad about the way he left. That was a mess.

I never should've taken back those keys.

- What about accommodations? - All taken care of.

Is there a meal allowance?

What about seat assignments?

Could I have the kosher meal? I hear the kosher meal is good.

And I need clothes. I gotta get a haircut.

And I have to refill my allergy medication.

Do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I?

Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit.

Now, that looks very cool to me.

See, my acting technique- My personal acting technique...

...is working with colour. Imagining colour...

...and then finding the emotional, vibrational mood...

...connected to the colour.

If you look through my scripts you'll see that my lines...

...have a special colour. So I don't memorize the language.

I memorize colour. This way, I can go through red, yellow, green, blue.

And you have a full palette of emotions.

Hey.

Didn't I tell you to get out of here?

- Did you? - Let's go.

- I was just- - Yeah, you were just nothing.

Come on, let's go.

We'll talk about this a little later.

- Let's go. - Are you an actor?

See you, Mike!

- Murphy Brown. - Yeah, Candice Bergen, please.

Who's caling, please?

Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.

All right, I'll- I'll call her at home.

Here. Go ahead. It's all yours.

- Hello, Kramer. - Oh, Helene. How are you?

I haven't worked since 1934. How do you think I am?

Well, that's only...

- Fifty-eight years. - It was a Three Stooges short.

"Sappy Pappies."

I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember?

Right, yeah. That was a Shemp, right?

No, no. Curly.

The boys played three sailors who find a baby.

The baby's been kidnapped, and the police think they did it.

- Right. - Of course, they didn't do it.

The police have made an awful mistake.

Moe hits Curly with an axe.

- The Stooges catch the kidnappers. - Right.

- But it's too late. - Really?

- The baby's dead. - Really?

The boys are sent to death row and are executed.

Well, I don't remember that part.

I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You were very good.

It was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby...

...and the Stooges being executed and all.

Yeah, well, that was an unusual choice for the Stooges.

Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yoghurt at the store?

Well, you know, I can't right now, you know.

I got a very big meeting.

I got these people interested in my movie treatment.

So we'll have to make it another time.

No! No, no, don't go up there, Kramer. They'll hurt you.

You'll never make it in this town. You're too sensitive, like me.

Helene, you're wrong. You know, I'm not that sensitive.

I was engaged to Mickey Rooney. He left me at the altar.

Kramer.

Kramer!

- What is this? - What?

We're going on a two-day trip. What are you, Diana Ross?

I happen to dress based on mood.

But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.

Seemingly. Seemingly.

But within that basic framework, there are many subtle variations...

...only discernible to an acute observer...

...that reflect the many moods, the many shades...

...the many sides of George Costanza.

- What mood is this? - This is "morning mist."

What do you figure? Twenty?

- Twenty-one? - Close enough.

Forensics ought to be able to nail it down.

- No ID? - No ID.

- No witnesses? - Just the trees, Johnny.

Just the trees.

Pretty young thing.

She was.

Not anymore.

Somebody saw to that.

Sure did, Johnny.

Damn shame too.

What do you make of it?

I don't know.

But I don't like it.

Look at this guy. He's like a cat burglar.

He thinks if he goes through real slow, the machine won't detect him.

I've always been nervous about going through these things.

I'm afraid I'm gonna step into another dimension.

Just go.

I made it.

Empty your pockets, please.

Walk through again, please.

Are you sure you don't have metal on you?

- Bracelets, rings, anklets? - Anklets? No.

- A lot of men wear anklets. - Really?

- Yeah. - What do you have in your bag, sir?

- My bag? - Step over here, please.

- Over here? - Do you have a knife in the bag?

A knife?

Open the bag, please.

- What's this? - Moisturizer.

For your wife?

No. I...

I use it.

Spread your arms and legs, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you.

Have a good trip.

- All right. - That's it?

- That's it. - All right.

Come on, Jerry, let's go.

- What was that all about? - I must have iron-rich blood.

- Here we go. L.A. - The coast.

La-la land.

- I got the window seat, right? - Who said that?

- I called it. - Oh, no.

It seems to me that the closest thing we have to royalty in America...

...are the people that get to ride in those carts...

...through the airport.

Don't you hate these things? They come out of nowhere.

Beep-beep."Cart people. Look out. Cart people. Look out."

We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants.

"It's cart people.

I hope we didn't slow you down.

Wave to the cart people, Timmy. They're the best people in the world."

You know, if you're too fat, slow and disoriented...

...to get to your gate on time, you're not ready for air travel.

I hate the people that get onto the moving walkway...

...and then just stand there.

Like it's a ride.

"Excuse me, there's no animated pirates or bears along the way here.

Do your legs work at all?"

Yeah, I'm here for the audition.

Which audition? The music video, the horror movie...

...the exercise tape, or the infomercial?

Let's see. Well...

You scream good.

You too.

- So can I keep this treatment? - Oh, yeah, yeah. I got 20 copies.

Because I can show it to my manager.

He has connections with West German television money.

Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun.

I mean, think about it. Is that a great idea?

We know nothing about Eva Braun, only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.

What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler?

What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler...

- ... as a potential son-in-law? - Wait, hold on.

Look who's over there. Don't look, don't look.

It's Fred Savage.

- Big deal. - He'd be perfect for my movie.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I gotta go over there. I gotta give him a copy of my treatment.

Why are you breathing so hard?

I'm just a little nervous.

Okay, I gotta relax.

All right. Wish me luck, huh?