National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

That was beautiful--

Take it, Russ.

Dad, can you explain again what we're doing?

Sure, Russ. We're kicking off our fun, old-fashioned family Christmas...

...by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh...

...to embrace the majesty of the winter landscape...

...and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

We're not driving all the way here so you can get one of those stupid ties...

- ...with the Santa Clauses on it, are we? - No, I have one of those at home.

What we're looking for today is the Griswold family Christmas tree.

What we're looking for today is the Griswold family Christmas tree.

- What's the matter? - Some jackass is riding my tail.

Slow down and let him pass.

Clark! Don't provoke them.

Hey, kids, look a deer.

Clark, slow down!

You wanna ride behind somebody who does that?

I'll pull around them and leave them behind us.

Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.

Dad, I think what you mean is, "Burn rubber," and, "Eat my dust."

Whatever, Russ. Whatever.

Eat my road grit, liver lips!

Okay. That's enough of that.

Speaking of trees, kids, can one of you tell me...

...what the first tree displayed at the White House was?

Dad, they're back.

Clark, stop it! I don't want to spend the holidays dead.

Honey, please! I'll do the driving, okay?

Will you just take it easy, Ellen? I'm in complete control.

I'll get around this egg timer.

Dad. Dad.

- Thank God, we're all right! - Clark, we're stuck under a truck!

- Do you think I don't know that? - Come on, guys, don't fight.

For chrissake, I didn't do this on purpose!

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.

Amen!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Oops!

Made pretty good time.

Dad, didn't they invent tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive...

...all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole Saturday?

They made them because people forgot...

...how to have an old-fashioned Christmas...

...and are satisfied with scrawny, overpriced trees...

- ...that have no special meaning. - My toes are numb.

- This is what our forefathers did. - I can't feel my leg.

They walked out into the woods, picked it and cut it with their hands.

- Mom, I can't feel my hips. - Clark.

- Yes, honey? - Audrey's frozen from the waist.

That's all part of the experience, honey.

There it is.

The Griswold family Christmas tree.

- Isn't it a little big? - It's not big, it's just full.

- Isn't it a little big? - It's not big, it's just full.

- Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard. - It's not going in our yard, Russ.

- Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard. - It's not going in our yard, Russ.

It's going in our living room.

- Look at it. - It really is beautiful, Clark.

- It's something else, huh, Russ? - Yeah, Dad.

- Isn't it a beaut, Audrey? - She'll see it later, hon.

Her eyes are frozen.

Most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace...

...of kith and kin.

This tree is the symbol of the spirit of the Griswold Christmas.

Dad, did you bring a saw?

Looks like the toad overestimated the height of his living room ceiling.

Hey, Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Bend over and I'll show you.

You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that.

I wasn't talking to you.

Clark, do you think there's enough room for the angel?

Oh, sure, honey. I have a little more trimming to do...

...but that won't be a problem. Ready?

I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.

There's a lot of sap in here.

It looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.

- Did I tell you I talked to my mother? - And?

They've decided they're coming for Christmas too.

- It's not too late to change our plans. - No, no, that's great. That's great.

- It's not too late to change our plans. - No, no, that's great. That's great.

You're forgetting how difficult it's gonna be...

...having everybody in the house.

Honey, they're family. They're not strangers off the street.

All they do is argue.

Christmas is about resolving differences...

...and seeing through the problems of family life.

Yeah. And about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs.

And your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip.

- Then they don't speak to each other-- - Your mother waxes her upper lip?

- She has for years. - It doesn't show.

- I don't know, Sparky. I have a feeling-- - Ellen.

I want to have Christmas here in our house.

It means a lot to me. All my life I've wanted to have a big family Christmas.

I know.

It's just that I know how you build things up in your mind, Sparky.

You set standards that no family event can ever live up to.

You set standards that no family event can ever live up to.

When have I ever done that?

- Parties. Weddings. Anniversaries. - Good night, honey.

- Parties. Weddings. Anniversaries. - Good night, honey.

- Funerals. Holidays. - Oh, great.

Vacations. Graduations.

You should be looking at a fat Christmas bonus this year, huh?

Word is you're an excellent choice to be named Additive Designer of the Year.

- Nah. - I'm not kidding.

What's that new thing you got at Food and Drug?

Oh, the crunch enhancer? Yeah, it's a non-nutritive cereal varnish.

It's semipermeable, not osmatic. It coats and seals the flake...

- ...prevents the milk from penetrating it. - Yeah.

- It's a beautiful product. - I like it, yeah.

The question is, what will you do with that bonus?

- Gonna blow it on yourself, I hope. - Me? Heck, no.

Take a look at this.

I hope my Christmas bonus check will cover it.

Oh, my God, you're putting in a pool.

I went ahead and I put a $7500 deposit down on it.

You're the last true family man.

- Mark. - Clark.

That's Bill, sir.

Were you working on that non-nutritive cereal varnish?

- Yes, sir. - I gotta give a speech to a trade group.

I'd like to mention it. Write a summary and have it to me by the end of the day.

I'd like to mention it. Write a summary and have it to me by the end of the day.

- My pleasure. - Layman's terms.

None of that inside bullshit jargon nobody understands.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Mr. Shirley. We got your Christmas card the other day...

...and my family and I are very flattered that you remembered us.

Corporate cards.

- Don't forget that report, Bill. - Yes, sir. Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Can I show you something?

I was just smelling-- Smiling. I was just blouse-- Browsing.

I was just smelling-- Smiling. I was just blouse-- Browsing.

For your wife or your girlfriend?

What? What happened?

I guess it wouldn't be any--

Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if stores were less hooter--

Hotter than they are.

- It is warm in here. - You have your coat on.

- Yes. Oh, do I? How did that happen? - Because it's cold out.

Yes. Yes. It is. It's a bit nipply out. I mean, nippy out.

What did I say, nipple?

- There is a nip in the air though. - Can I take something out for you?

I was just.... I was just looking at something for my wife.

I was just.... I was just looking at something for my wife.

- God rest her soul. - Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no, she's not dead. We're just divorced. She's history.

Oh, no, no, she's not dead. We're just divorced. She's history.

Obviously she doesn't wear underwear. There are plenty of shopping days left...

...until adultery-- Adulthood. Which is to say Christmas, as in Yule.

...until adultery-- Adulthood. Which is to say Christmas, as in Yule.

Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log. But, I mean, you know, if I had a log...

Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log. But, I mean, you know, if I had a log...

...not in the sense that you think I said I did. Good golly.

...not in the sense that you think I said I did. Good golly.

'Tis the season to be merry.

- Well, that's my name. - No shit.

What do these do? Do they clip on here? Down there?

What do these do? Do they clip on here? Down there?

- Would you like this one? - Sure.

These are cut really high on the hip. Look, I'm wearing something similar.

See? You can't see the line.

- You can't see the line, can you, Russ? - No.

No.

That's a present from a very dear friend of mine.

Look, Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings...

...an angel gets his wings.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Folks! Folks! Folks! Merry Christmas.

- Hey! How you doing, son? - Fine.

There he is! Oh, my boy.

- Look at how big you've gotten. - Merry Christmas.

- Mom. - Sweetheart.

Oh, knock on the door. Lift up the ladder.

- Listen. Doesn't Nora look old? - You promised.

- Of course I do. - They took a pint of fluid from my back.

Do you see this mole? This mole on my neck?

- Think it's changing color? - No.

- You keep touching it, it gets redder. - I got hemorrhoids. Can you believe that?

- Oh, Mother. - Isn't that terrible?

- You're not getting the garage space. - After what you--

I'm doing the parking. Russ, want to help?

Mom, they're not sleeping in my room. I'm gonna go crazy, Mom.

Sweetheart. Your grandma's got a real painful burr on my heel.

If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter.

- A quarter. A quarter. - I'll give Audrey a quarter too.

- I'm gonna put my car in the garage! - He damaged my car, you believe that?

I'll park the cars.

This is what Christmas is all about.

I'll park the cars and check the luggage...

...and yeah, I'll be outside for the season.

We're gonna have the best-looking house in town.

- I've always wanted to do this. - That's a lot of lights, Dad.

I'm sure it's a lot of work too, but if I'm out in the cold...

...and I'm committed to decorating the house, I'm gonna do it right...

...and I'm gonna do it big.

You want something you can be proud of, don't you?