The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

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Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant... Hello.

And a little round-headed buffoon. That is... Karl Pilkington.

Right.

In ancient Greece, every year, 500 people would be selected

from that Grecian society, and they would have to sit there,

that year, and they would propose laws, and everyone else would vote on them.

Now if you were in that position, right, you're called up...

What rules and laws are you instigating?

You might go, right, I want, uh, I want an egalitarian society.

I want freedom for people. I don't want slavery.

I don't want any sort of oppression. Would that be high on your list?

You could say, you know, when I...

Worked at Cordon Bleu, there was times when I thought,

"God, being treated like a slave here." Mmm.

You weren't though because you being paid and you were free. Definitely not a slave.

So... Definitely not a slave.

What do you mean? I wasn't free. I was on like from, from 9:00-6:00.

But you had the choice to leave the job. Slaves didn't have a choice to leave.

I didn't have a choice. Yeah, you did, yeah.

The only other choice was Tesco and they had already turned me down.

No, that's not, that's not, that wasn't, that wasn't...

There was no choice, that's why. Yeah.

That wasn't the lack of choice given to most slaves. But the slaves...

The slaves who built the Pyramids, that wasn't an option for them.

It wasn't like they could go...

"Right, I could get a better gig on the Sphinx."

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just saying... No you're not saying anything.

You're saying absolute drivel again. Um...

Here's a little Greek proverb for you.

"A society grows great

"When old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in."

What did you think of that?

Do you understand?

Yeah. Just saying, uh... They're planting a seed.

They grow a tree, but trees take ages.

Yeah. Yeah. Takes a long time.

That old fella is not gonna get any joy out of that. Right.

- But if he's lucky... - Yeah.

Fella next door might have done the same years ago.

So it's all about, sort of planting a seed, looking after each other.

That's great actually. It's not, I don't think it's directly what it means.

It's almost. It's almost the point. Yeah. Yeah.

That's good. Yeah, I think he means that future generations. But, yeah...

If, yeah... If the next door neighbor had done that, then uh, yeah, that works as well.

But that's, but you seem to agree that that's a good point.

Do you agree that seems a good point to you?

Um, but I'm, I'm sort of guessing he enjoyed gardening anyway.

Part of the enjoyment was in planting that seed.

Right. Ok. We see now. Oh, it's the old metaphor problem again, isn't it?

I know, yeah. It's not specifically about trees.

But, but as a metaphor, what he enjoyed...

Is the fact that he's added to society and human life,

and he's got a legacy and all that, so.

But by the same time, when I went to Ibiza, right.

Now there, they have motorbikes, people flying around on them.

People don't wear helmets. You might even get three people on a moped.

I saw a farmer with a goat in a basket.

They don't care. They're whizzing around at high speeds.

Lot of deaths there.

Yeah.

Um, and they'll have a lot of them, them see, at, those areas where...

Someone's come off, been killed.

People put flowers there.

Yeah.

And, because that happens a lot, it's a lovely green island.

Now here, we're saying...

Whoa... What?

Are you saying that all the deaths make it nice because there's flowers?

It makes it lovely. Because there's loads of flowers everywhere.

So with death, comes beauty.

So that's another metaphor. You can have that one.

- That was one of the most tortuous things I've ever... - Now...

That was extraordinary.

But look, look at London.

That was extraordinary, Karl.

Right. Karl, Karl, so...

Well look at London. Let me finish my point. But, that's a very good point.

Let him finish his point. Let him finish. I'm intrigued. Yeah.

Right. London. Councilor with his clipboard.

Need a speed bump here. Saw someone doing 35.

Put some traffic lights there and a pedestrian crossing.

Pelican crossing there as well. And a speed camera.

Right. Horrible and gray.

Okay. No flowers.

But you still see flowers left behind where people have died in terrible accidents.

You see that all the time. Not many good ones.

It's stuck to a lamppost with an elastic band around them.

- They don't look nice. - He's noted the quality of flowers.

Yeah, but the point is, the point is... Wow.

Some 15-year-old got run down, and you're disappointed at the quality of the flowers.

Look at this, Suzanne. Fella lost his head here.

Geraniums. Geraniums!

Fella lost his bloody head!

Fuckin hell... So we have to, we have to...

Encourage gun crime so that people get shot in inner cities,

and then we can put flowers up and beautify the area.

Is that what you're saying?

No, but if an area's nicer to look in, nicer to be in.

If it's nicer looking, um...

You don't get people speeding around like lunatics.

Because they go, I, I'm not in a rush.

I'd quite like to slow down there and look at the flowers. But, this is so complicated.

So, now what you're saying is, because an area is grey and gloomy,

people speed around to get out of it.

And in the course of doing that, they knock people down.

But then flowers are put up which then makes the area beautiful.

Thus stopping people driving around at speed so death no longer occurs.

Well, they keep having to get out of their cars to put down flowers.

- And they get knocked down... - Yeah.

...by other people on their way to put some flowers down.

Yeah. Just sometimes people have to die, don't they?

There was a fellow outside our house hit a lamppost.

He had a helmet on, but his head come off.

You made me laugh at a man's head coming off. Just the way you said it.

But, but, that's the thing...

He had a, he, he had a... Oh, God.

There's a man. Right by my house.

He hit a lamp post.

He had a helmet on. But his head come off.

So you're saying that because in that one instance, the helmet did not save his life?

His head was in great condition. It's just not attached to his body.

And that's what I'm saying to you.

Sometimes people have to die.

How far, how far do you tackle all this stuff of, of you know...

Safety gear, and slowing down, and wear bright clothes at night, and...

It's just too much.

Very important point, you see.

Do you think someone should be made to wear a crash helmet?

They're only hurting themselves.

Uh... Crash helmet.

I don't think you should get fined for not wearing one.

Don't forget, we're not just protecting him.

He could be a father with two kids.

So you're going, oh, let him die...

If he doesn't want to wear a crash helmet. Let him. Let him get brain damaged.

Is that what you're saying?

I'm just saying, we're, we're over the top in this country,

when it comes to that sort of thing. No but you, so you're saying,

if you're saying, no, if he doesn't want to wear a crash helmet,

let him not wear a crash helmet.

He smacks his head in. He's a vegetable.

He's like that...

Sitting at home, like that. And yet the two little kids come to you.

You're in charge, don't forget.

We've put you in charge of society here. And they come to you.

Two little kids. They go,

President Pilkington. What?

Why did you let my daddy wear the...not wear the crash helmet?

I didn't. We paid, uh, we put leaflets through the door.

We had adverts on the telly, Sunshine.

Yeah but, but why? It's your dad's fault.

But why wasn't it compulsory?

Because he would, his...

It's not the world we live in, Sonny.

Yeah it is. Now I haven't got a daddy.

Has he got a helmet at all? Have you seen that helmet knocking about?

No he's, he's just a vegetable now. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he didn't want to wear a crash helmet.

But why didn't you make him wear a crash helmet?

It wasn't just him, it was us.

Why did you, why did you turn my daddy into a vegetable?

Where's your mom?

Mom, mom, mom left when...

He kept going on about not wearing a crash helmet. And she...

All right, then. Gonna put you in a home.

I just think, you see this is the problem.

Everyone's looking for someone to blame.

Yes, but, this is interesting though because...

You, you were particularly curt to that...

Little 4-year-old-boy who seemed so sweet and adorable.

Yeah. Yeah.

But why wasn't he giving this stick to his dad?

Well, his dad's dead. He's a vegetable.

He's dead... He's good as dead to him.

His dad went within the law.

It was not the law to wear a crash helmet anymore, because you said,

"Forget it. I don't want a nanny state."

I don't want, if you wear a crash helmet or not.

He wasn't a responsible parent. He hadn't thought it through. But this is your job.

Some people aren't responsible. Society keeps them in, on track.

This was your, you were in charge. You should have made him wear a crash helmet.

He had two kids.

We've heard from one of the kids. What's the other one's attitude?

Is he, he's the younger one? He's a bit younger.

He's even younger still.

- Yeah. Oh. - President Pilkington.

My brother's crying now, because you've shouted at him.

I wish you'd have made my daddy wear a crash helmet.

Why didn't you make your daddy wear a crash helmet?

Well, he won't listen to me because I'm not in charge of society.

Well, he didn't listen to me. Yeah, but...

He seems like a bit of a, a numb nut to be honest. No, he did listen to you.

What did he do for a living? Because you made a new rule,