The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.

Th is one of them.

Testing.

Is that all right?

Hello, and welcome to the Ricky Gervais show, with me, Ricky gervais,

Stephen Merchant...

This is the worst chair I've ever sat on,

and I've sat on some fucking chairs in my time.

Yeah. All right. Are we started?

One, one...

Are we recording?

Yeah. Ready?

Yeah.

Hello, and welcome to a brand-new series.

What? That's ridiculous.

I know. I was getting... I was getting all fired up.

He was getting excited... And motivated.

What are you talking about?

One one one one one... just seems a bit loud, that.

Well, well you should have sorted that out.

Karl, are we ready now?

Yeah, I suppose.

Well come back here then, you dopey bald twat!

Hello? Yeah. I'll just, I'll just sit like that.

Right, okay, ready? So, it was your problem?

Oh, Jesus.

It's just this carpet.

Right, ready?

Yeah.

Hello, welcome to a brand-new series of the Ricky Gervais show,

with me, Ricky Gervais...

- Hello. - Well, no.

I was so excited to say hello.

Okay, right, okay.

Hello, and welcome to a brand-new series of the Ricky Gervais show,

with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

Hello.

And the little, round-headed shaven chimp that is Karl Pilkington.

Right.

while I was at my parents' house they often, you know,

they keep clippings of things, you know. If we've been mentioned in the papers.

Don't know if you've heard this, Karl, in the Sunday times,

they, uh, someone's written a letter about Karl.

Wow.

They can send in comments and views on things they've seen, read, heard.

Oh, excellent.

And this is what they, someone wrote to the, uh, Sunday times.

"Who is Karl Pilkington? And why have I just wasted five minutes of my life

listening to some of his cretinous thoughts on channel four?

"He asked, 'why are there so many dinosaurs on display in museums?'

"Quotes, 'couldn't they just choose the best one and just show that?'"

"He summed it all up by deciding that, 'we know too much.'"

"somebody clearly doesn't know enough to know that this is a complete waste of airtime,"

"showing no wit, intellect or creativity."

That's from Wendy in barkshire.

You gotta have your critics. You know what I mean?

You've gotta have your critics?

'Course you have.

If everybody liked what you did, then you're not doing the right thing.

But, think how angry she must have been to have bothered

writing this letter to the Sunday times.

Yeah, well it's good though.

I mean, you really must have...

It's all about getting people thinking. That's what I always say to you.

As long as I'm getting people thinking about what I've said.

She remembered what I said.

Yeah.

I'll tell you now, right? This is... yeah, I've...

I don't know if Wendy's, you know, listening to this...

Almost certainly not.

But listen, right?

I was saying about the, the uh, museums, right?

And how they're big and everything?

Brilliant. And they've got dinosaurs all over the shop.

I read that in that museum, they've got something like...

Uh...

Seven million bits of stuff in there, right?

Now, when I spend two hours in somewhere, just show me the good stuff.

Don't be saying we've got seven million bits.

'Cause there was a fella who, a fela lwho opened it, right?

I did a bit of research on the museum.

What museum was it?

It was the London one.

Oh, the London one, yeah.

So he's in there, and he's,

he's collecting all this, you know, bits of stuff.

What stuff?

- Just whatever's knocking about at that time. - Oh, okay.

It seemed like...

You have researched it.

He never chucked anything away. Oh.

He said, "oh, I won't put in the bin. Pop it on the shelf," right?

So he's put everything on a shelf in his museum.

Then, as time went on...

I think you're going into too much detail, but just give us the gist of it.

No, but I I'm saying is, uh, he keeps everything,

and if you keep everything, sometimes it'll be good stuff. All right?

Um... and a lot of the stuff was going missing. The good stuff.

But people who set these museums up are just as crafty.

What?

The fella who found Tutankhamen,

he was pocketing all sorts of fingers and stuff in his pockets on the way out.

That had rings on them and stuff. So all I'm saying is,

why is she having a go?

She's learned something. But hang on, wait, no...

But we just gave you the chance then, to defend yourself,

and you just confirmed Wendy's point a thousand times over!

What was all this waffle about people nicking stuff?

What's that got to do with anything?

Because she's having a go at me. I didn't Nick anything.

But she's having a go you for talking nonsense that's of no consequence,

which is what you just did then!

- That's not nonsense. - But what was your point?

All right, then. We'll watch Wendy's little program when that goes out.

Let's see what she's got to talk about.

Sick of her.

This is why Wendy's having a go, though. Because you're not being open-minded.

You're not thinking about...

But we're being open-minded to good ideas, to sensible thought.

To intellectual considerations.

We're not being open-minded to this utter drivel.

Yeah, but every invention is a bit... Who'd have thought the frisbee would have caught on?

I love the fact that you think the frisbee is the pinnacle of invention.

Yeah.

I think it's amazing.

No it's an example of something that, you know, if he was on some program

where you, you know, you said, "I've invented this," they'd go, "get out."

They wouldn't have... They wouldn't give him the time of day to say,

"right, I've made this thing. It's out of plastic. You throw it about."

"Well, what for?"

"Well, you just Chuck it about on the beach."

"What's the point?"

"It's a bit of fun, isn't it?" "No I don't like it."

Okay, that was an argument with himself.

No, but do you know what mean? It's a popular little thing,

and I'm just saying it's easy to put ideas down.

But you've never even come up with an idea as good as the frisbee,

and that's saying something.

I came up with a clippable mat that goes on a cup.

And it's... it's a good little thing. I haven't followed it through yet.

A what? A clippable mat.

What's a clippable mat? What is that...

A clippable mat that you stick on a cup, so you, you put your cup down on a table,

without having to go, "where's that mat?"

It's, it's clipped to the cup all the time,

and you put the cup down wherever you want 'cause it's got a mat on it.

I think I've seen that.

But why does it have to be clipped to it? No, I think I have.

Why couldn't it just be built into the cup?

Because, uh...

So it clips onto... you gotta have special cups, it doesn't clip onto every cup?

No, but just the same way that every saucer's different,

you don't say, "oh, I'm sick of this saucer, it doesn't fit a mug."

You, you use the saucer. Like, I mean, I don't use saucers.

Just don't buy...

But isn't a saucer what you're talking about?

Uh, kind of, yeah, but it's clippable.

See, Karl, when he disses all these great inventions and design,

when he says you don't need them, it's just faffin',

what he means is he's a little bit annoyed that no one's picked up on his ideas,

like the clippable mat for the mug. Or, uh, I don't know, what's the one about the tie?

The tie that had a pocket?

Loads of pockets.

But I didn't come up with that. That's something that I saw somewhere.

It never caught on.

I've never seen anyone wearing one. Yet it's such a good...

It's not a good idea. It is a good idea.

It's like having a carrier bag around your neck. It doesn't make any sense.

It's a tie packed with stuff you were...

"Oi, Frank, nice tie. What you got in there?"

"Baguette, um..."

It's ridiculous.

Well, imagine the day that the tie was invented.

"There you go. Do you want a tie ?" "What do you do with it?"

"Put it around your neck." "What for?"

"Um, I don't know."

Well, I'll tell ya. What?

Uh, because you haven't invented buttons yet,

and it keeps your shirt together at the top.

"Well, all right, then, right. Uh, we've invented buttons,

"are we going to stop making these ties?"

"No." "Why?"

He's got you there, Rick. There you go.

Now, I'm saying, "what are you doing with that tie around your neck?"

"Oh, it's a pocket tie." "It's a what?" "Pocket tie."

"What do you mean?"

"It's got pockets in it." "Huh. That's weird."

So. I've got pockets in me jacket.

Yeah, I know but, but, hang on, hang on a minute. It's a hot day, isn't it?

Don't want to put your jacket on.

Uh, or a tie, ugh.

Well if you're gonna wear a jacket, wear a tie. Leave the jacket at home.

I'm not wearing a jacket. I'm wearing a shirt.

Give it a purpose. If you're gonna wear something, give it a purpose.

Everything has a purpose.

A tie, at the moment, is just 'round your neck, keeping you hot.

If you're going to be hot, carry something, hands free.

And everything's always there.

A bag, you put stuff in a bag, you put a bag down, and you forget it.