The Goldbergs

Back in the '80s, before we had the Internet

to diagnose all of our illnesses, we had my mom.

That's right. Before there was WebMD,

we had BevMD.

My neck is killing me.

I must've slept on it funny.

What's that? Neck pain? Can you look down?

- Yeah, I guess. - You guess?

Huh! We're going to the doctor. It's definitely meningitis.

It's not meningitis!

You know who else didn't think they had meningitis?

Your cousin Gerald.

Then it ate through his spine,

and now he's just a human jellyfish

they have to carry around in a bucket!

Walk away from me. Let me see how you walk.

Your gait's uneven. We're going to the doctor!

And while my mother overreacted to everything,

my dad didn't react at all.

Dad?

I fell off the tree trying to get my boomerang,

and this happened.

Just don't pick at it. You'll be fine.

Yes! I'm going back out!

Oh! Ow!

But the worst was when you'd get caught

between their medical philosophies.

Dad, does this look normal?

Considering you're a greasy, oily teen with a zit? Yes.

No! That is a spider bite.

My nail girl Janae's middle son thought he had a zit,

but it was actually a black widow injection point.

Next thing he knew,

about 100 newborn spiders emerged from his fleshy cheek.

I don't like the spider eggs in my face, Mama!

Murray, start the car. We're going to the E.R.

Yeah, it's a zit. I'm not doing that.

Mama's got you, baby!

I don't want the spiders!

Season 06 Episode 20 Title: "This is This is Spinal Tap"

It was April 3rd, 1980-something,

and my sister's stalled music career

was about to get a boost.

Guys, I have insane news!

We just got the gig of a lifetime.

We're playing The Philadelphia freakin' Spectrum!

The Spectrum?

The Flyers Wives have this charity

where they throw a whole carnival.

And we got picked

to be the local band to perform live on stage.

How did this even happen?

Word of mouth, obviously.

For sure. Also, I submitted a demo.

Oh, my God, Geoff.

You are seriously the most amazing

boyfriend/band manager ever.

Me, manager? Really?

You got us our big break, Geoff. You've totally earned it.

Sweet! If there's one thing I know,

managing my hot-tempered girlfriend's band

could only end well.

Problem. This letter's for you and Lainey.

Yeah, I submitted their demo six months ago.

So now they're only getting two-thirds of the band they want?

You suck, and you're fired!

Oh, no! This didn't end well at all!

We are so boned!

There's no way they'll ever want us to perform now.

Like, why not? We still totally rock it hard without Lainey.

It's true. The Dropouts still got the goods.

I demand you go for it!

Damn it. Our old but re-hired band manager is right.

Our rocket ride to superstardom begins now.

You know, I've been dabbling a bit in documentary filmmaking.

Maybe I can make a rockumentary about you guys,

like U2's Rattle and Hum.

No way, nerd.

Oh, wait. Sorry. Force of habit.

- Yes. - For real?

Our fans will for sure want to know how it all started.

Sweet! You get to perform for carnies

and the Flyers' romantic partners,

and I get to film it.

I heard "Flyers" and "carnies."

I must be a part of whatever this is.

They got a real gig playing The Spectrum.

No, it's none of his business. Just butt out, dude.

Come on! We both know you need my fresh rhymes.

Your garbage rap has no place in a rock band.

So what about when Aerosmith combined their rock

with the sick rap stylings of Run-DMC?

Doesn't matter! You're not even in the band.

Oh, I'm in the band!

- No, you're not. - I'm in the band.

No, you're not! Stop saying it!

- Saying what? - You're in the band.

She said it! Adam's got it on tape!

It's official! I'm in the band.

And so Barry decided to butt into Erica's life.

Meanwhile, my Dad was facing the decision of a lifetime.

What form you like your pretzels in, Mur?

Rods or twists?

Really?

It's gotten to the point where you're so lazy,

even Bill has to get your snacks?

Hey, there's nothing lazy

about my robust gentleman best friend here.

Thank you, Bill! He just hasn't been able

to use his left arm for three weeks

because of a searing, fire-like shoulder pain.

Thank you, Bill!

You what? Why haven't you said anything?

I just tweaked my shoulder reaching for the remote wrong.

Don't make a big deal out of it.

You can't move your arm. How is that not a big deal?

It's just a tweak!

Or advanced leprosy.

Oh, no! That's the worst kind!

Don't listen to her, Bill.

You know who else didn't listen?

Myrna Silvman's nephew.

And the boy had to move to a Hawaiian island

where there are no direct flights.

In the end, he was just an ear and a foot.

Sweet Lord! I don't want a friend who's just human odds and ends.

Go to a doctor!

I'm not going to a doctor! They're scam artists!

Yeah. Looks like you just tweaked your shoulder.

Damn it! There goes another 100 bucks plus parking.

Why don't I set you up with a sling?

Ugh. Here comes the upsell.

I'm just so glad you don't have to move to a leper colony

and turn into an eyeball and a couple of knuckles.

How long have you had this mole?

- There a problem? - No, it's just a bit abnormal.

It's probably nothing,

but I'd like to do a biopsy, just to be safe.

Ah, the "just-to-be-safe biopsy."

Again with the upsell.

Your insurance covers it.

Head two doors down. It's not gonna cost you anything.

Hoo-hoo! You hear that, Bevy?

This clown's giving away free biopsies.

Quickly, show him your blotches.

Murray, this is serious.

I'm fine. Don't spin out.

Doctor, quick question.

- Will he live? - Yup.

Don't sugarcoat it.

Will he live?

Yup.

Have you no bedside manner?

Will he live?

Yup.

As my paranoid mom spun out,

I was busy spinning documentary gold.

One, two, three, four!

That's inappropriate!

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, just riffing on your girl-power theme

with a laser-hot verse.

I'm gonna kill your face!

Come on, Erica!

Just let me rock The Spectrum with you.

This is my dream.

Oh, my God. You have so many stupid dreams.

- Why take mine? - But this one

encompasses all of them.

First, I wow the crowd with my lyrical gymnastics,

thus getting signed to a major record label.

- That's crazy. - Second, I drop the mic,

pick up a hockey stick.

The Flyers Wives see my hockey skills

and immediately sign me to their husbands' team.

That's even crazier.

Third, I drop the hockey stick,

pick up a stethoscope,

save the charity by curing cancer

right there on the ice!

You will not ruin my legitimate dream

with your three ridiculous ones.

You're not in the band!

- Uhh! Ah! - Ugh!

- Hey! - I'm so sick of you!

- Oh, no! Okay. - Ow! My ass!

His ass!

Initial thoughts?

Well, I... I'm not gonna

sugarcoat this, 'cause I love you,

but this movie's complete hazarai.

What's that mean?

Yiddish for "a flaming pile *** of."

I know!

Erica's band didn't even get through one song.

If anything, it's hilarious.

They're like big-haired bozos

who don't even know what words mean.

Wait! That's it!

This whole time, I thought I was making a serious concert film,