8 Slices

Lights, camera, action.

It's Sam Zander time.

I know what you're thinkin': what's this?

You'll find out soon enough, but yeah,

I'm growing the beard out.

So I'm just here at my parent's house in Malibu.

The look.

Oh.

I'm rich.

Deal with it.

Lots of wine boxes 'cause my parents are drunks.

Drunks and fat.

Yeah, I shame my parents, whatever.

This is a message from Sam Zander.

Do you know where your children are?

They're on my website, where you should be.

Yeah, I've been thinkin', I've been thinkin',

I've been thinkin'.

What does it all mean?

I don't know.

Once upon a time there was a boy

who didn't know what he was gonna do

so he did something to change the world.

What are you doing?

Who are you?

Where are we going?

Listen, I want you guys to know I'm about to something

really courageous for you all.

I'm about to do something really bold.

Send me your comments below.

Peace up, bash down, ah.

I'm tellin' ya, Patronies Pizza's goin' under.

Now how would you know that and I don't?

- (KNOCKING) - Trust me.

Knee Cha!

Oh he's probably canned from being

God's loyal opposition.

- (LAUGHS) - So tell me your

- crackpot theory. - You can't see it?

It always get slow around this time of the year.

- You know that... - No, no, no.

It's more than that.

Shalom.

- You're not Jewish. - Why not?

- (LAUGHS) - It doesn't work that way.

My step grandmother was a German Jew is the 40s.

That should count double for me, all right?

- It's Saturday. - That's why we're walking.

So, you're working on the Sabbath?

I'm culturally Jewish, all right?

- Give me break, will ya? - Right, proceed.

Patronies Pizza is going under

because of one small detail.

Single ply.

We went from two ply to single ply.

Bankruptcy starts in the bathroom.

You know, I'm drawing the line here.

As a matter of fact, I liked you a lot better

when you was practicing Kwanzaa.

That was just a phase.

What do you think?

Listen, this aint no feel good story

about some pizza joint.

It's about the one lie we all believe in.

Me?

I'm the happiness without a reason guy.

My philosophy is you don't need reasons to be happy.

You only need reasons to be unhappy.

I know, I know, it sounds unreasonable.

You see, the whole human experience is just

a speck of dust in the blink of time.

And every single one of us is born incomplete.

We spend our whole lives searching for meaning

that fills a little hole in our hearts.

For the eight slices, it's the name tags we wear,

and whether we're doing a good job

portraying our favorite writers who, at some point,

filled that hole in us.

Temporarily.

I do wonder what Kerouac would think of all this.

Anyway.

All that really matters is one question:

what makes the perfect pizza?

As an actor,

your freedom happens between the lines.

What does your character want?

What stands in their way?

These are the two most important questions

going into the scene.

Self-self-self-self promotion

is 90% of acting in today's world against a famous...

All right, here we go.

Woo hoo hoo!

America, look at this!

Oh, the things I do for you. (LAUGHS)

Really?

Come on, Oscar.

It's just a shirt.

"Come on, Oscar."

- Yeah? - Yeah.

It makes people think.

Well I don't want my customers thinking about anything,

except for how good my pizza is.

Hey Wendy.

So, tell me everything.

How was the campus?

Is college a waste of money?

Only if you're getting a degree in something practical

- like philosophy. - I don't even know

if I'll get in.

Would you do it if it were free?

Anyone would.

Then that's your answer.

Yeah, but I'd get like a golden toilet if it was free.

What?

- Morning, G. - Morning, G.

Some locals.

'Sup dude?

Look at this place.

Yo.

We're not in Malibu anymore.

A callback is when

a casting director wants to see you again.

This is a good indication that you did something well.

Hey, Ann.

How'd the book tour go?

I didn't even make it out of Brunswick County.

Hey.

It still counts in my book.

How's Kelli doin'?

Screw Kelli.

Oh hey.

- Mornin'. - Hey guys.

- Morning. - Hi.

After this, check the toilet paper.

Hi, Ann.

How'd the book tour go?

All kinds of hostility today.

Hey man, how's Kelli doin'?

All right, let's get started.

Schopenhauer, nice of you to join us.

Care to explain yourself?

Uh, sure.

I'm somewhere in this body, condemned to this

completely indifferent universe that was created

by someone or from something that forgot

to put human happiness in its design.

Amen.

Time is an illusion.

We are the only creatures on this planet

that keep track of time.

Therefore, we are the only creatures that

have a fear of time running out.

Exactly!

Just look at Guillermo.

What?

If you believe in human happiness,

just look at an old person's face.

Ah, come on.

I mean it, they're like deeply wrinkled,

permanent displays of disappointment.

It's just etched in there.

I'm happy without a reason.

I don't need a reason to be happy!

Going to Patronies.

This is gonna be awesome.

Are you excited?

I'm excited.

All right, all right, time to get to work.

All right, all right.

Calm down, Jack.

Listen, I brought you in early today because I...

We are closed.

Read the sign.

It's 10 am.

I thought time was an illusion.

Schopenhauer.

Look at that.

Oh, shoot.

Hi, welcome to Patronies, we're closed.

I'm a new hire.

Do we have a new hire today?

For you, sir.

Uh, hi.

I'm uh, I'm John.

I'm the new hire.

Hi, John.

John, pull up a seat.

Join the circle.

I just thought I'd give you all fair warning.

You should probably start updating your resumes.

- What? - Oh no.

Two ply.

It's the toilet paper, man.

That's why we're going under.