Joey

Joey, it's late.

What is the tenant emergency?

I swear, it's important.

It is so warm in L.A.,

that I am not feeling the Christmas spirit!

Okay, my beeper is for emergencies, okay?

It is not for talking about the holidays,

or for when you're in the hot tub and can't reach a towel.

Or... for when you're out of jelly.

But you brought the jelly, right?

- Yes. - Thanks.

Okay, now, uh, I just have a few simple ideas

on how to make the apartment more festive.

You don't have to do anything- I just need your approval.

Okay.

Uh, "Can I dress your cat like a reindeer?"

No.

I'm sorry. May I dress your cat like a reindeer?

No.

Okay. All right.

"When do you freeze the hot tub for skating?"

Never. That's impossible.

"Impossible" or "Mmm, possible"?

Okay, why don't you let me look at your list, and I'll tell you what you can do.

No.

No!

I don't know what a "live snowman" is.

That is offensive to non-Christians.

And that is offensive to everyone.

Oh, come on, you got to give me something.

Well... you can do this- get a tree and some lights.

All right, well, that's a start, but...

Look, I know, I know I'm all worked up about it,

but it's my first holiday season in L.A., and... it doesn't feel right, okay?

So we all have to work that much harder to make it special.

It's like I said when I was in A Christmas Carol.

Figgy pudding!

Figgy pudding for sale!

I had a really small part.

Hi. I'm Joey Tribbiani.

I have a meeting with the Executive Producer.

I'm Tracy, Lauren's assistant.

Ah. Oh, uh, who's Lauren?

The Executive Producer.

Oh, right. Sorry, I'm a little nervous. It's nice to meet you, Lauren.

Um... why don't you just go in?

- Hey. - Hi.

Wow. You're the Executive Producer?

Good thing I didn't see you outside. I probably would've hit on you.

You did.

Before one of your auditions,

you asked me to go back to your place and split a candy bar.

You were smart to say no. There was no candy bar.

We haven't been formally introduced.

I'm Lauren Beck, and I'm thrilled to be working with you.

Oh, yeah... oh, yeah. Oh.

I'm sorry, what's the deal with the tissue?

Oh, I'm a little compulsive, especially when I get nervous.

Oh, hey, that's totally normal- I'm compulsive, too.

I wash my hands almost every day.

It used to be much worse-

when I came into the office, I'd have to open and close the drawers a hundred times,

and then I'd constantly rush home and check hen was off.

Hey, that's actually a good idea.

I have an aunt,

she left her oven on, burned her house down- she lost everything.

Tracy?!

I'm gonna you to to go back to my hou and check the oven again.

You know, if you left it on, it's probably already too late.

What are you doing?

Listen,

the reason I called you in is, we're having a press junket,

and I'm gonna need you to be front and center as our sexiest cast member

I bet you say that to all the cast members.

Yes, I do.

Anyway, they're gonna ask you some questions, just be polite and charming.

You know, you might want to think of some funny material.

Oh! How about this?

What is the deal with the kiwi, huh?

Is it a fruit? Is it a vegetable?

It's a fruit.

Anyway, you'll do great.

And we just got the first script, and it's amazing.

There's some twists in here that will blow your mind.

Really? Can I take it?

Uh, just keep it between us, 'cause you're the first one to see it.

Is that 'cause I'm the sexiest cast member?

No, it's because you got your germs on it and I don't want it back.

God, I'm so hot!

Then take off the hat and the parka.

No. This is what I've worn every time I've picked out a good tree.

When people see you guys dressed like that, you know what they think?

They think, "These people have no Christmas spirit. "

You know what they think when they see me?

"That guy from Days of our Lives is homeless"?

I'm sorry, but I am trying to get into the holiday spirit, okay?

Is this how you normally buy a tree, in summer clothes?

Actually, we haven't gotten a tree since Michael was little.

What? Why not?

Christmas is only fun when you have kids and they believe in that Christmas magic.

He figured out the deal with Santa when he was three.

Yeah, it's just basic math.

It would be impossible for Santa to visit all the children of the world in one night,

even if you assume a generous 50% naughty rate.

Well, those of who love Christmas are not gonna let you and math

and your friend, the sun, ruin our holiday.

Who are we, people?!

Joey, why are you shouting?

Am I shouting? I think I'm having a stroke.

Can we please just choose a tree and get out of here?

Fine.

Greetings.

So...

what are we looking at here, Douglas fir or spruce?

I don't know, I'm just a stock boy at the supermarket.

Oh! Do you carry a fortified wine called "The Fist"?

Gina! Focus. Okay? Now, let's take a look hese things.

No.

No.

No, this one's trying too hard.

Aw, pick one!

What's the difference? It's just gonna die.

Oh, well, you could say the same thing about Michael here,

but you don't love him any less.

This tree has got to be perfect.

It's my favorite thing about Christmas.

Except for Rudolph.

Okay, let's just assume for a second that a nose can glow, right?

In order to produce enough light to actually guide a sleigh...

Shut it!

You are ruining Christmas for all these little kids!

What kids?

Are you talking about the trees?

I got to find some shade.

Hey, sorry I'm late. The press conference hasn't started yet, has it?

I had to buy a Christmas tree.

Is there more to this excuse?

- No. - Wow.

So, let me introduce you to the cast.

This, of course, is Katie, your daughter.

Hey, sexy. We still need to get that drink.

You won't be sitting next to one another.

This is Bodie.

He plays a ski instructor.

'Sup?

- Hey, Bodie. - Oh, man, I love you!

Oh, you know me from Days of Our Lives?

No, I just think you're awesome.

This is Gunnar. We don't know what role he's playing, but...

he's hot.

Guilty.

- Lauren, they want to start. - Okay, let's go!

Lauren, Lauren, uh, quick thing.

Listen, uh, look, these kids are all newbies and I'm old pro,

so should we come up with a signal

in case you think I'm being too charismatic and blowing someone else off the stage?

Good idea. How's this for a signal?

Nice. Yeah, okay.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Lauren Beck, and I'm Executive Producer of Deep Powder.

Yeah!

It's my pleasure to present the cast. So let's open the floor to questions.

This question's for Bodie Blair.

If you could say one thing to your public, what would it be?

'Sup, public?

Thank you.

Hi. This is for Katie Harper.

- Katie, what are your hobbies? - I'm into erotic art.

Uh, I have a couple of follow-up questions related to that.

Ow! It can wait till later.

Mr. Tribbiani, you got your start in the theater.

I have a question related to that.

Ah. Hit me.

Dramaturgically speaking,

Deep Powder is clearly a rehashing of the Lear paradigm,

combined with elements of Aristophanes, and of course it goes without saying, Sheridan.

Will this source material inform your portrayal of the patriarch?

What?!

The classics do permeate all modern media.

Surely, this will coert your realization of the character.

Geez, what magazine is this lady from?

Is there anything you can tell us about the show?

Well, yeah, yeah, I can do that, yeah.

I just read the first episode,

and there are some plot twists in there that will blow your mind.

Like, in the first episode, this guy dies!

I die?! I just bought a Ferrari!

Joey, that was supposed to be a surprise!

Oh, uh, okay, I'm gonna have to collect all your little notebooks.

...98, 99, 100!

Thanks for this, Joey.

One, two...

Lauren, look, I am so sorry I screwed up the the plot twist.

I panicked.

Didn't they ever have press junkets on Days of Our Lives?

Yeah, but the producer always forgot to tell me about them.

That's good producing.

I'm just really disapointed, Joey. I was really counting on you.

You're our most experienced actor, and you're the patriarch.

Hey, hey, we're all Americans here.