Bananas

Good afternoon.

Wide World of Sports is in the little Republic of San Marcos...

Where we're going to bring you a live, on-the-spot assassination.

They're going to kill the president of this lovely Latin American country...

And replace him with a military dictatorship,

and everybody is about as excited and tense as can be.

The weather on this Sunday afternoon is perfect,

and if you've just joined us,

we've seen a series of colorful riots...

That started with the traditional bombing of the American embassy,

a ritual as old as the city itself.

Following that, the leader of the labor union, Julio Doaz,

was dragged from his home and beaten by an angry mob.

It was one of the most exciting spectacles I've ever seen.

We'll probably have a videotape replay of that later on.

All around, there are colorful flags and hats.

The moment we've been waiting for is here. Everyone is getting quiet.

The president is going to leave his office...

And walk down the steps of the palace.

For that, we're going down on the playing area.

Take it away, Howard.

This is tremendous, Don. Just tremendous.

The atmosphere... heavy, uncertain,

overtones of ugliness.

A reminder, in a way, of how it was...

In march of 1964 at Miami beach...

When Clay met Liston for the first time...

And nobody was certain how it would turn out.

The crowd is tense. They've been here since 10:00 this morning.

And... and I think I see the door beginning to open.

El Presidente may be coming out.

The door opens. It's he.

It's El Presidente waving at the crowd.

He turns. He runs toward the building.

And down.

It's over. It's all over for El Presidente.

This reporter is going to get to him if he can...

Through this mob for one last word before he expires.

As you can see, this crowd is not to be trifled with.

They're in a frenzy. They're trying to get over to El Presidente,

even as I am trying to do now.

Would you people let me through?

This is American television.

American television. Please, let me through.

We're getting through now.

Here we are. Here we are.

Sir... sir, you've been shot.

When did you know it was all over?

Fascist... dictators.

Well, of course, you're upset,

and that's understandable under the circumstances.

I guess now you'll have to announce your retirement.

Well, good luck to you, sir. Good luck to you.

And now if you folks will bear with me for a moment,

I'm going to try and get in a word...

With the new dictator of San Marcos.

That's assuming I can get through...

This noisy and demonstrative crowd.

I wonder if you people would let me through.

I see the general off in the distance.

A new dictator talking to one of his men.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

General, general, congratulations.

General Emilio Molina Vargas.

General, a word from you, if you will, sir, for our viewers.

For many years, I have waited for this day.

But now I am the state.

You may say that, sir, but many important diplomats contend...

That you remain the most hated man in the state.

I will shut down the newspapers.

I will train my soldiers. We'll find the rebels.

The rebels may be in the form...

Of Democratic guerilla factions off in the hills.

No, sir. We'll find them. We'll find them. Don't worry.

Good luck to you, sir. Thank you, sir.

Well, you've heard it with your own eyes.

Now we're going to have to see what the future brings.

But right now, from the little dictatorship...

Of San Marcos in Latin America,

let's go back to Jim mclean in our studios in New York.

Gentlemen, the Execu-ciser.

The latest work in progress at general equipment.

It's only in the development stage at the moment,

but it should be practical and in the market within two years.

It certainly looks impressive.

The Execu-ciser is a device to help busy executives get in their daily exercise...

Without ever pausing in their crowded work schedule.

As you well know, more Americans suffer heart attacks...

From lack of exercise, and you know why?

Well, it's because there aren't enough hours in the day...

To keep physically fit and still function effectively in one's business.

This is Mr. Fielding Mellish,

one of company's research testers...

Who will demonstrate the Execu-ciser.

You notice every part of the body receives...

An adequate exercising workout with this machine.

The pedaling action develop the muscles...

To keep the leg muscles flexible.

When the drawer is pulled out, when Mr. Mellish pulls the drawer out,

you'll see a weight that has to be lifted on top of the desk...

Which exercises his arms and his back muscles.

Now you'll notice when he reaches for the telephone, they're both spring-activated.

Now, in that spring-activation,

both muscles in the biceps are given adequate workout to sustain flexible arms.

And on the back wall, you'll notice there's a handle for each arm,

and as he pulls those handles, the back muscles are brought into action...

In a manner that keeps the back flexible and keeps the back strong.

And notice the basketballs coming from the side of the machine,

and the basketballs, as they're handled by Mr. Mellish,

develop reflexes.

Have you any idea how many you can put out in a year?

Well, we'd like you to manufacture them.

We can let you have the idea, have our patents.

We can let you have the whole thing on a royalty basis.

We can show you how to turn it out and save money on a cost basis.

And you think they'll sell? No question.

If you can get them in the executive's office,

you can get them in the armed forces.

In time, you'll do business with the United States government.

I'm not suited to this job.

Where do I come off testing products? Machines hate me.

I should be working at a job I have some kind of aptitude for,

like donating sperm to an artificial insemination lab.

Every day we've got to hear this.

Why did I quit college? I could have been something today.

What would you have been if you would have finished school?

I don't know. I was in the black studies program.

By now, I could have been black.

Consistent loser at the table.

That's my weakness. I lose a lot.

I don't know what I'm going to do tonight.

Get a date. We'll double. I'll call Barbara.

All right, have her bring a friend.

Forget it. What's the matter?

I had a date. She called it off. There's a dock strike.

Why don't you see what Norma's doing?

She's always ready for action. Who?

Thursday night. I gotta break the bank.

Are you busy tonight?

Some old friends are coming over.

We're gonna show some pornographic movies.

You need an Usher?

Oh, you're cute.

I'm busy.

Get a copy of time magazine.

I think I'll take commentary, and the Saturday review.

And, uh, let's see, Newsweek.

I, uh... just grab one of these.

Take 'em all.

Fifty, $1.00, $1.25.

Hey, Ralph, how much is a copy of orgasm?

Just put them in a bag, will you? What?

Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy.

How much is it?

I'm doing a sociological study on perversion.

I'm up to advanced child molesting.

Come back. Back. Back.

More. More. More. Back. Back. Back.

Hi. I'm collecting names on a petition...

To request the United States government...

To break relations with San Marcos,

which is being ruled by a total military, brutal dictatorship...

Opposed to any concept of civil liberties.

- Would you sign? - Sure.

Ooh, I'm sorry. I broke your point.

Oh, well, that's okay. You want to come in...

And I'll give you another pencil? Oh, good.

I'm sorry.

I don't know if you've been following it in the newspapers,

but soon there's going to be a revolution in San Marcos,

and we feel that the United States...

Should give full support to the rebels and not to the dictatorship,

which, uh, as you know, has been our history.

May I ask, what do you do?

I'm a products tester for a large corporation.

I make sure products are safe and practical.

Today I tested an exercise machine...

And an electrically-warmed toilet seat for cold days.

Would you like some coffee or something?

Or I could open a can of ribs if you want.

Oh, well, I... ribs?

I'd love some coffee, but I have a lot of work to do.

Oh, well, here. It'll take me two seconds to make some coffee.

How can I find out more about your cause?

Because I have a lot of spare time.

Would you like to volunteer for "the Volunteers for San Marcos"?

Is it possible to discuss that over dinner tomorrow night?

It doesn't have to be tomorrow night, of course.

I mean, I'm wide open for the next six years.

Oh, I have a yoga class tomorrow night, and I couldn't miss that.

Yoga. I love yoga.

Do you really? Yoga is one of my great passions.

I love eastern philosophy.

It's metaphysical. And redundant. Metaphysical, yes.

Abortively pedantic.

I know just what you mean.

Thank you.

Have you ever read the "I Ching"?

Not the actual Ching itself,