Mad Dogs

Get in the car!

Who are you?

I'm the man whose money you took.

He'll get done, sooner or later.

I made a call.

There's one thing nobody can escape from,

it don't matter how big a master criminal you are.

The VAT man.

Well done on bringing us the money.

Welcome to Morocco.

Help! HELP!

For your own sake, I suggest you answer these questions truthfully.

Why are you on this boat?

That's... er...

That's all of us going on a fishing trip.

I remember that day... happy times.

You are putting a bag in the car. What was it?

Probably fishing gear.

Bax? Quinn?

Tell me about this, please.

Where did you learn how to do this?

What is happening here?

That's... that's just lads on holiday, innit?

You know, things get a bit out of control.

Hello? Who's there?

Hello?

Who are you?

Where are my friends?

You all OK?

They... shaved me.

And they bust my new glasses.

Where are we?

Said Morocco, didn't they?

Yeah, I know that.

But where?

Did they show you the pictures?

What pictures?

What do you say to 'em Rick?

Nothing. Obviously. Don't tell them anything, all right.

Not until we get some kind of legal representation.

Someone from the embassy - Amnesty or someone.

How you gonna get in touch with them? Who are they anyway?

They're some kind of militia or something, aren't they?

They knew we had that money. They picked us off.

They're probably using the money for some extremist movement.

So now we're funding terrorists.

Oh, great. This just gets better and better.

He was wearing a shirt, with a Marks and Spencer's label on.

I saw it sticking out.

Who?

My interrogator.

I mean, extremists...

They don't shop at M&S, do they?

They might.

Shall we go and help him?

Best not to get involved.

You all right, mate?

It's a woman.

Serious. It's a bird!

Uh! Argh!

I was just trying to see if you were OK.

I'm Quinn.

What sort of fag name is that?

Dunno. Ask my dad.

Named after my grandfather, I think.

I'm Mercedes. Hi.

- Your dad into cars then? - Heard of the Count of Monte Cristo, dumb fuck?

Yeah... no... yeah - fuck, I dunno, I can't remember.

Um... uh...

Can I just ask, what's with all the rough stuff?

It's what they do if you don't tell them what they want.

Who are they?

A bunch of COCKSUCKERS! Come on!

Do you have any idea how we might get in touch

with someone from the British Government?

Yeah, it's easy.

They're in there.

Eh? What?

It's the Foreign Office.

Sorry. What is this place exactly?

It's off the radar. It's where they bring people to question...

..when they don't want anyone to know they're doing it.

Oh, great.

A week ago, I was standing in line, holding a tuna baguette,

queuing up for easyJet.

Now I'm being fucking renditioned!

"Dear God, please help me see danger coming my way,

"and forgive the body count I will be sending your way."

"Never pick up a dead man's gun."

"I...

"..heart...

"..Bin Laden."

Right.

We should go en masse and demand to speak to whoever's in charge

and make them understand they can't just keep us here.

There's laws and protocols...

You think they'll care about that? They still have to abide by them.

Says who? Woody, this is our government.

Governments can't just hold us indefinitely for no reason.

What you on about? Course they can! They do it all the time.

You remember those plane spotters in Greece? You remember that?

They said they were spies. And what about Guantanamo?

Nobody even knew who was in there.

Get off!

Come on! What? It takes two of ya?

All right?

How did you end up here then, love?

I was in Kabul, "love".

You in the army then?

No, I went there because I like the opera.

Didn't like what I saw, so I went AWOL.

Took a long fucking walk.

Posted some things on the web.

Things I thought people should see.

Secrets?

There are no secrets. Only hidden truths.

Nah. Just bitching about the food and the way they treat people.

Now they think I'm bloody Wikileaks. Dickheads.

How long do they usually keep people in here for?

As long as they want. That's the point.

This place don't exist.

Therefore, you don't exist.

What did you all do anyway?

Fellas, can I... have a word?

In private.

This could be a trick. She could be working for them.

You not seen her face? They kicked her head in.

She's trying to scare us and then befriend us, you know.

Get us to confess everything.

You got a point. Oi, wuss-bags.

Just ignore her. Keep walking. Keep walking...

What, you not talking to me now?

I ain't the enemy.

Anyway, if I wanted info out of you, I'd just....

..beat it out of you. Get off me, you lunatic woman!

Ever had a cauliflower ear, Quinn? Or a wet willy?

Aaaaah!

You know what Churchill said?

Fuck off!

"If you're going through hell, keep going".

Tough it out, guys!

You can get through this. You got each other for a start.

I'm the one all on her lonesome.

Don't see me walking around with the clown's frown.

She's got a point you know. We've really need to stay positive.

Good idea, Woody. Tell you what, why don't we see if they can organise basket weaving classes or something?

Put our time to good use.

Only trying to help, knobhead. Well, you're not.

Saying "cheer up, it may never happen" doesn't cut it.

So, what, do you think it's somehow harder for you, Quinn?

I don't think anything, Bax.

Because I'm stuck in an illegal prison

in the middle of the Sahara fucking desert.

And why am I here?

Because you persuaded me that a weekend away would be "a laugh".

I persuaded you? You called me.

I've never called you, Baxter.

I've never called you because I cannot bear

your incessant moaning and complaining.

Oh, right, great - thanks. That's nice.

Great time to get that out in the open.

You told me you came because Rick persuaded you.

Yup. Here we go. Here we go. Blame Rick.

Yeah, waiting for that one.

Shove it up your arse, Quinn.

You shove it up yours.

Nice toughing it out guys.

Oi, Quinnbo, you know there's no "I" in team, don't you?

No. But there's a "U" in "fuck you".

What's going on?

Stop it! Get off! Get off me!

No, please, I haven't done anything.

Please don't, please.

No... Woods...! Get your hands off him!

Rick! Quinn! Stop it! Please...

Baxter! Bax, please...

Help! Get off! What's happening?

Please, don't. Let go! Where are you taking him?

Leave him alone! BAX!

Get your hands off him, you slags! You bastards!

I watched the door all night to see if he'd come out.

Yeah, me too.

Shit, no... Come on.

Let's not think the worst.

Hiya.

I think there's more grub on the side. Just help yourself.

We've been worried sick.

You've been gone all night.

What happened?

I dunno... weird.

They asked me a bunch more questions

and suddenly it was all, you know, tea and toast.

You should get some.

Come, please.

Oi! Is it all right if I bring my tea, chief?

Sit.

Fortunately for you...

..we're not actually interested in what you did over the last few days.

All we wanted to know was who you were financing.

We weren't financing anyone.