Lugar de Mulher

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

Good evening, São Paulo!

Mom, I'm on Netflix!

I'll never do the dishes again!

Fuck it.

-You're hot! -Oh, you guys...

Stop being silly, girl!

Guys, I'll tell you one thing.

It was so crazy the way they called me to do this for Netflix. It went like this:

I was watching-- I love watching Netflix.

There I was binge-watching when Netflix sent me a message.

It read, "Bruna,

you have been watching for 36 hours straight.

Do you need anything?

A job, perhaps?"

I was like, "Yes!"

Oh, you guys, this is my first time on Netflix.

And I'm sure it will be better

than the first time I got laid.

At least this is gonna last 15 whole minutes.

Oh, you guys, I just love Netflix.

It is so democratic, right? It makes everyone happy.

Netflix gives you pleasure, you know.

Don't expect this guy to give you pleasure,

just watch some Netflix!

Dump this dipshit. Do you understand me?

Netflix really gives you pleasure.

Guys, Netflix is just like Miss Coochie.

Provided you have the right credentials to log in...

Oh, you guys...

Speaking of Miss Coochie...

I am single now.

I'm single for the past year

and, boy, do I recommend it!

Guys, being single is awesome.

People would threaten me, "You'll be left on the shelf!"

I'm watching everyone from over here and it's fucking awesome.

I'm loving it. I treat my niece

just like we used to treat those Blockbuster VHS tapes.

You know? You'd just have fun with it and drop it off without giving a fuck.

That's it. It's so good!

I'm there for the fun moments of my niece's life.

At the parties, eating like a pig,

at the school recitals.

When it's time to give expensive presents, I do it like my dad--

I vanish. But--

But I'm mostly there for her, okay?

It's so good, guys. I get along so well with her.

I introduced her to so many good, important stuff

to raise a responsible citizen.

I introduced her to gangsta-funk...

Got her fucked up on vodka,

introduced her to Carreta Furacão...

Sure, she's only three,

but at least she can start forming antibodies, you know.

It's good, you guys. And she likes me so much.

So much so...

that the first word she uttered wasn't "mama"

or "dada."

It was "fucka."

I was so proud of her!

I even put some tequila on her bottle. It's just great!

It's funny how people just can't believe that I want to be single,

that I'm single by choice.

People are like, "Poor you!"

No, really...

It's true, people don't believe it. To such an extent

that there's always a friend trying to set me up.

God, they're always offering me someone.

There's always someone like, "Bruna...

I have a friend to introduce you to."

Naturally, I say, "Is he cute?" And the person...

has a ministroke.

You guys, I swear, the other day my friend said,

"Bruna, I want to introduce you to this guy you'll just love.

He's cute, a bookworm, super smart.

There's just one thing. He doesn't go out a lot.

I was like, "Sure, nothing wrong with that.

Where can I find him?"

And she said, "In prison."

Well, maybe a conjugal visit, right?

This puppy can definitely smuggle a phone in.

I've tried it.

It's funny how society simply isn't prepared

for women to want to be single.

In society's eyes,

a successful woman

is one who can find a husband before her thirties.

On the other hand, the great man

is the guy who fucks around.

"I fuck girls, goats, bricks--" You know what I mean?

The guy has to be a walking HPV pyramid scheme. Come on!

I too want to pass on some STDs.

But I--

Look how crazy it is.

I told this guy I'm seeing that he's not the only one.

Guys, he wouldn't believe me!

Actually, none of the four did.

I had to create a WhatsApp group!

It's called, "The four of us. With him, without him, top and bottom."

Can you believe it?

The other day, I was reading this story about a girl that was harassed,

and one guy had commented this, "Well,

if she was harassed,

who knows what kind of clothes she was wearing."

Hold on. Who's on the case?

Is it the police or the Fab Five?

What the fuck? Some men will say,

"This short skirt is inviting me."

Have you been talking to a skirt?

For fuck's sake.

I don't want to be in your head when you walk into a closet.

What a sick mind.

But why does this happen? Because men see us women as objects.

However...

there's one object that every time I see

it reminds me of men.

You know those arcade machines you pay to grab plush toys?

The ones with the claw?

Hear this one out. Men are like the claw, alright?

The plush toy is your orgasm.

Oh, he got it!

Then he dropped it.

You almost die of disappointment.

I recently read another guy say,