Mind Your Language

Good evening everyone - Good evening

Good evening - Good heaven Ranjeet

You're actually here on time

Yes - Well done

Yes, thank you Juan and thank you for carrying it

Yes, thank you very much

You spanish creeper - You ltalian

All right, settle down everybody!

We've got a lot of work to do tonight

Excuse please

- Just sit down a minute Ali, will you? - No thank you

l am only coming to tell you l am not coming

Not coming? - Yes please

You can't leave in the middle of a term

l mean you were doing quite well! Why do you want to leave?

- Oh blimey, l am coming up on the puddles - Coming up on the puddles?

- Yes please, the football puddles? - The football pools

Yes please! l am getting eight scoring draws

- How many draws on the coupons? - Only the eight l am getting

Hey how much you win?

Oh blimey, it could be half a million pounds

Santa Maria

l'm very happy for you! Because you're my best friend

He's also my friend

And mine

l am the true friend of Ali - You?

But of course! We are practically bloody brothers!

- l thought you didn't like Muslims - l love Muslims

Especially when they are having half a million pounds!

Well, l don't know what to say Ali

l mean l'm very pleased for you of course

- l am also being very pleased for me - What will you do?

Oh blimey, l am going to bed

To bed? - Yes please

With all that money, l'm not needing to be working, so l'm going to bed

- You mean you're going to retire - Most definitely

You're quite sure you've got eight score draws?

Oh yes, l got the copy

Here please, the ones l'm ticking off

Ali, l don't think you're going to retire just yet

He's not gotta eight draws? - Oh yes

- He's gotta eight... he's got eight draws - Good

But they're not all on the same line!

- What difference is that making? - lt means you haven't won anything

Notting at all? - Notting at all

Bellos!

Loco!

That is typical of that Muslim twit! No brains whatsoever

Oh blimey, you are changing tune

When you are thinking that l am very wealthy you are being my bloody brother

Don't you call me stupid you bearded baboon!

Quiet the pair of you and sit down

l presume you're staying now Ali

l'm staying now, yes - Good

Now this evening l thought we'd try some practical use of the English language

By acting out various situations that you might come across in real life

Now, we'll start with you Taro - ''Aso''

Now, you are going to the bank - Banko, yes

Where are you going? - Banko

No, it's only a pretend bank - Pletendo?

Yeso! We'll imagine this table is the bank counter and l am the bank clerk

And you are a customer and you're coming to cash a cheque

All right? - Ok

Good morning Sir - lt is not good morning time

lt is good night time

Yes, it is now! But we are just pretending

Aso, Cally on - Thank you

Good morning Sir - One moment

- What is it now? - Are you Barclays or Midlando?

lt doesn't really matter! Midland if you like

Good morning Sir - Goodbye

Goodbye?

Midlando not my banko! Barclays my banko

All right, it's Barclays

Good morning Sir - Good morning

You wish to cash a cheque? - Yes pleaso

Good! How much? Ten pounds?

Twenty? Thirty? - Thirty

And how do you want it? - ln money please

Yes but do you want thirty in tens, ones or fives or what?

- Can l have thirty fives? - No, that would be 150 pounds

Solly for mistako - Not to worry

Thank you Taro! That wasn't too bad

Now, who should we have next? Ah, Danielle

You are the nicest banker l've seen

Yes, well we're not in the bank now! l want you to imagine something different

- l have a very good imagination - l'm sure you have

Now you are going into a post office and l am the assistant

- Excuse me, can you help me? - Certainly Madam! What is it you wish?

How much is it a letter to post?

- ls it someone in England? - No, no it's a Swiss letter

- A Swiss letter? - Yes, l write to my boyfriend in Switzerland

Well, it's more correct to say you want to send a letter to Switzerland not a Swiss letter

lt could be very embarrassing if you were writing to somebody in France

Excuse me? - lt doesn't matter

l am thinking l need some extra English lessons

Maybe l could stay here with you after the class

l don't think we could do that

Well l come home with you and you could teach me a lot

Yes l'm sure l could! But l think you know quite sufficient already

- Now, is there anything else you want? - Yes but l cannot tell you here

From the post office - No, nothing

Well alright, thank you Danielle, that will do

Now, Juan - Si senor

- You're going to the Employment Exchange - Por Favore

- You are going to get a job - No, l already have ajob

Yes l know that, we're assuming you don't

And you're going to the Employment Exchange to get one

- As l explained to Taro, we're pretending - lt's alright

- Now, what is your name? - You already know my name

l do but the clerk at the job desk doesn't

Ah, si! Juan Cervantes para Serville

Are you married? - Si

l married to Gina Lollabrigida

Don't be ridiculous - Pretending

Touche', alright!

- What sort of ajob are you looking for? - Plenty money job

l see and what is the work you want to do in order to earn this plenty money?

Plenty little!

Alright Juan! Thank you! That will be sufficient

Pity, l like it! A very good game!

Thank you! Now, Ranjeet

What is it you are wanting me to do?

- You are going to the Doctor's - What is the nature of my complaint?

- Let's just say you don't feel well - But l'm never feeling better

Pretend you have a cold - A cold what?

Alright, let's forget about the cold

Just imagine you have a pain - Very well sir

Well go on

A thousand apologies! l am waiting for you to say 'Next please'

Doctor always say 'Next please' - Next please

Good morning Doctor - Good morning

- And what seems to be the trouble? - l have a terrible pain

Where? - ln my imagination

You're supposed to be pretending it's a real pain

A thousand apologies again!

l have a real terrible pain - Good

Where is this pain? - ln my foot

His brains are hurting

- Your backside will be hurting in a moment - Blimey you can't even crack a pompadom

- l give you bunches of fivers - l give you bunches of tenners

Miss Courtney

What on earth is going on in here?

We were just having a few practical lessons

- What in, unarmed combat? - lt might come in useful

Well l'm afraid your students will have to do without you for a little while

- You're wanted down at the police station - The police station?

There's no need to look so guilty! lt's nothing you've done

lt's about one of your students! The lndian lady

Jamila? Has anything happened to her? - Yes

She's been arrested for shoplifting!

Hello

Constable Wilkings?

Where the devil are you? You should've been back here by now

Pardon? No i will not send a Panda car for you

l don't care if somebody has pinched your bicycle! Pinch somebody else's

Would you like a cup of tea?

Tea, cup! ''Char''

Char, yes please no thank you! 4 sugar

Don't run away

Jamila! Are you all right?

What did she say Ali?

ln English - Excuse me please

She is saying she is very glad we are coming to help her escape

Ask her what she stole

Well? - Nothing

She must have said more than that

Yes please! She is saying she only took a book from the newspapershop

But the book was free

There's obviously been some misunderstanding!

l'll sort it out with the police

- Will they be sending her to prison? - No, no! l don't think it's that drastic

l'll have a word with the sergeant! Five pounds ought to do it

Ah, l'm understanding! That is a fine

No, no, no! Not exactly a fine! Let's say it's a little gift

Gift? - Yes

lt's an old English custom! l scratch your back, you scratch mine

- You scratch my back, l scratch yours - That's right

Very well! Where are you being itchy?

No, no, never mind!

Char - Good evening

Good evening - Good evening

Are you Mr. Brown? - No, he is Mr. Brown

l was speaking to him

ln that case, you were right first time

Who are you? - Ali Nadim

No, l am Ali Nadim! You are Mr. Brown