Small Soldiers

GloboTech Industries, long recognized as the worldwide leader in high-tech weaponry...

is now reaching even higher.

Under the leadership of CEO, Gil Mars...

GloboTech engineers are blazing the trail into tomorrow's most exciting sector.

Introducing advanced battlefield technology...

into consumer products for the whole family.

For the first time, you and yours will enjoy the same high quality standards...

as demanded by the Defense Department, at private sector prices.

GloboTech, turning swords into plowshares for you and your family.

He's here. He's early.

He's not supposed to be here yet. He said...

Slam fist optimal. Good. Check.

Chickens...

- Hey. - Hey. Let me help you with these.

Pretty exciting, huh?

I don't know. I think it's kind of sad.

Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids.

Gil Mars won't care about that. He's just going to care about profits.

I think it sucks.

Welcome to Earth. You may not be familiar with our customs...

but things work like this down here, in the real world.

- Well, the real world sucks. - It does have its perks.

Gentlemen, I'm Ms. Kegel, executive assistant to Mr. Mars.

Hi. Let me be the first to welcome you to the GloboTech family.

Just as he's clone with his computer, telecommunications and food divisions...

Mr. Mars intends to bring his own personal touch to Heartland Play Systems.

Well, that's good.

Alright.

These are...

- Where's everybody else? - There is no longer any "everybody else".

Mr. Mars, it's an honor...

Cut the kiss-ass, pal. After I leave, I won't remember your name.

- This is Irwin Wayfair. - Great.

I'm told you two are responsible for this.

Yes, sir. That's Flatchoo, he's part of the Belch Brigade.

Actually, the whole line was Irwin's idea.

Once I did the marketing, it was the most successful product in company history.

That's why I bought the place and why you two are still onboard.

So, let's talk about the future.

Okay, these are Gorgonites. They... Hi. How are you today?

I'm late.

Okay. I drew up some pictures.

That's a picture you can have.

Alright, these are Gorgonites.

And this one... This is Archer. He's the grand, noble leader of...

Okay, and Troglokhan... the navigator who navigates.

Okay, they're monsters from the land of Gorgon.

They've come to our world and are lost.

To return to Gorgon, they have to learn all about our world.

This way, kids can learn and do research...

- Excuse me. Did you say "learn"? - Learn... Learn, yeah.

Next.

Mr. Mars, let me introduce you to...

Major...

Chip Hazard, leader of the Commando Elite.

It's called multimedia, Irwin. Look into it.

The future is here. A new age has dawned...

for action!

The worlds most awesome high-tech fighting force...

is ready to battle for the next millennium.

- Chip Hazaraj reporting for duty! - Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on.

Wait. Hold on. Can they really do that?

- Do what? - Punch out of the box.

- No. - I didn't think so.

There's a disclaimer. Legal says we're completely covered.

You know what I'm sick of?

Commercials showing trucks popping up on Mount Rushmore...

and parking on Abraham Lincoln's head. Okay?

And shampoo commercials that say women can look like Claudia Schiffer...

after one cycle of rinse and repeat.

What if these toys actually could talk?

What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass?

Nick Nitro!

I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back.

Toys that actually do what they do in the commercials.

That's an interesting idea.

Forget the "Batteries not included" crap.

Put in a lifetime GloboTech lithium cell.

They'll run forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.

Yeah...!

How's this slogan? "The Commando Elite. Anything else is just a toy."

- "Everything else is just a toy." - That's good, too. Sure.

Sir...?

You know, that kind of computing power doesn't really seem feasible...

Irwin, we're part of GloboTech. We can find the technology.

Our missiles can find a bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a warhead up his ass.

This won't be a problem. They're soldiers. What do soldiers need?

- Hats? - Camouflage?

- Ms. Kegel? - Enemies, sir.

Enemies. See, these hideous, ugly freaks are the enemy...

and our guys have to find them and vaporize them.

No, they're not... Sir?

Don't you think that's a bit violent?

Exactly. So call it action, not violence.

Kids love action. It sells.

Besides, what are you worried about? They're only toys.

I can't believe this. This is really wrong.

It's a total perversion of everything I designed these Gorgonites to be!

Can it, Irwin. This is a golden opportunity.

If we pull this off, Mars will be eating out of our hands.

By the way, gentlemen, Mr. Mars expects the product ready for shipment in three months.

Three months?

No. It takes at least six months.

There's product testing and focus...

Three months is fine. Tell Mr. Mars they'll be ready then.

Alright, then. These are your security cards.

They give you unlimited access to all top-secret Globo technology.

And these are your individual, secret passwords.

Memorize them now.

- Mine's "Gizmo." - I said "secret."

But...

Password. Password. What's my password?

Pass...

Gizmo!

Let's find us some chips.

Some really good chips.

A lot of really good chips.

The X1000.

Hello, Mr. Chips.

This looks like a nice store. Look at those toys.

Come on, Grandma. This place never has anything good.

Hey Alan.

How's the world treating you?

- You, Joe, are the highlight of my clay. - Jeez, tough break, kid.

- New truck? - New owner. See?

Soon everything will be owned by one giant corporation.

Then, it's good-bye microbreweries.

So, where's your clad? I got his order.

He's going out of town tonight for a seminar.

Wait a second. He left you in charge?

Hey, I was as surprised as you.

I think he's starting to trust me again. Or maybe he didn't have a choice.

What's the seminar?

"How to make a success of your small business."

- I suggested torching the place. - Not a good idea.

Arson forensics nowadays are very sophisticated.

"Gorgonites and Commando Elite."

What are those?

Let's find out.

Ten-hut!

Major Chip Hazard, reporting for duty, sir!

Wow. Voice activated. Not bad.

They move, they talk. They got a built-in, two-way radio.

"Buy a second commando and communicate with a friend."

Halt! Who goes there?

Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.

Awfully polite for a monster.

You never have to replace the battery. That's a good thing.

Hey, Joe. Do you think you could front me a set of these?

- What? - Sort of lend them to me.

- You got plenty in the truck. - Yeah...

That's Toy World's inventory for the month.

This order's paid for. I don't wanna get my ticket pulled.

I'll pay you back after I sell them.

What about your dad's policy, no war toys?

Don't worry about my clad. By the time he gets back, they'll be sold.

And we'll have made some money for once.

- I don't know. - What?

You're saying that never in your career has anything just fallen off.

- I don't like your tone. - Sorry.

It's too loud.

Okay, one whole set.

I'll lose the paperwork someplace.

- I had better not regret this. - You won't. I swear.

And you've got to get them off the truck.

I hope you know, what you're doing. I could get in trouble for this.

- No one will know. - They better not.

These toys don't go on sale officially until Monday.

I could loose my job. I could loose my house.

And my wife!

- Thanks, Joe. I owe you one. - You owe me twelve!

Good luck, kid.

Freeze!

- I wanted to go to Toy World. - Life is full of disappointments.

Go look around.

His birthday's next week. Mom said I had to take him shopping.

Great. What kind of stuff is he into?

Dinosaurs, mutant freaks. Anything that maims, kills or destroys.

I just got in...

You're Alan Abernathy. You moved into the house behind mine.

I've heard about you.

- You have? - Yeah.

How come I never see you after school?

Well, I'm kind of stuck here.

What kind of toy store is this?

It's my clad. He thinks these toys are cool.

Too bad nobody else does.

The Commando Elite will rid the Earth of the Gorgonites.

The Gorgonites are peaceful. We mean no harm.

Gorgonite, you are a hideous freak. You will be vaporized.

Civilian, declare your allegiance.

Hey, cool!

I know what I want!

I want the soldier! They're walking and fighting and they're so cool!

Where'd they go?

What about this one?

No, I want the other one.

Major Chip Hazard. He's the one.

- How much are these? - A lot.

Mom and Dad won't buy you one of these.