South Park

MOM !!

MOM, GET UP, WE HAVE TO GO !!

MOM, GET UP !!

OH, POOPIEKINS, IT'S VERY EARLY.

MOM, I TOLD YOU-- THE NEW SONY PSP GAME MACHINE

GOES ON SALE AT SEVEN A.M. TODAY.

I HAVE TO BE THE FIRST TO GET ONE.

COME ON !

SWEETIE, CAN'T WE GO AFTER SCHOOL ?

EVERYONE'S MOMS ARE TAKING THEIR KIDS AFTER SCHOOL !

WE'RE OUTSMARTING EVERYONE

BY GETTING TO THE STORE RIGHT WHEN IT OPENS.

LET'S GO !

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK ON EVERYONE'S FACES

WHEN I SHOW UP TO SCHOOL WITH A PSP.

I WONDER IF KYLE WILL CRY.

OH PLEASE, LET KYLE CRY !

WHAT THE HELL ?!

KENNY ! WHEN DID YOU GET HERE ?

FRIDAY.

FRIDAY ?! AW, JESUS !

I'LL JUST... SORT OF GET IN HERE.

HEY DICKHOLE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ?

UH, MY FRIEND KENNY WAS SAVING MY PLACE IN LINE.

THERE'S NO SAVING PLACES, FOURTHIE !

GET TO THE BACK OR WE'LL BEAT YOUR FACE IN !

OH, GOD DAMMIT !

THEY'D BETTER NOT SELL OUT !

THAT THING IS PRETTY COOL.

WHAT GAMES DID YOU GET WITH IT ?

IT'S A GAME CALLED "HEAVEN VERSUS HELL."

KENNY COMMANDS THE ARMIES OF HEAVEN

AGAINST THE FORCES OF SATAN.

DUDE, YOU SEE WHAT KENNY GOT ?

YES, YES, I KNOW !! UP YOURS, KYLE !!

WHAT'D I DO ?

JUST SHUT YOUR JEW MOUTH !!

Congratulations !

You have reached... level nine !

WOW, LEVEL NINE ALREADY ?

DUDE, YOU KICK ASS AT "HEAVEN VERSUS HELL."

YEAH, KENNY FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING HE'S REALLY GOOD AT.

( funky '70s action music kicks in )

KENNY ?

KENNY, ARE YOU STILL PLAYING WITH THAT THING ?

KENNY, IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS AND YOU'VE DONE NOTHING ELSE !

I ALMOST GOT TO LEVEL 60 !

WHO CARES IF YOU ALMOST MADE IT TO LEVEL 60 ?!

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIFE, KENNY !

IF YOU DIED TOMORROW,

WHAT WOULD HAVE TO SHOW FOR YOUR IT ?

YOU'RE GONNA END UP WISHING YOU'D DONE MORE WITH YOUR LIFE

JUST LIKE YOUR DEADBEAT FATHER !

HEY, I HEARD THAT, BITCH !

I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU ASSHOLE !

HOW ABOUT I COME IN THERE AND KICK YOUR TEETH IN ?

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY !

GOD DAMMIT, YOU HAVE TO SMART OFF TO ME IN MY OWN HOUSE ?

IT'S MY HOUSE, TOO, YOU NO-GOOD LOSER !

You have reached level 60 !

YEAH !

WOO HOO ! I DID IT !

I REACHED LEVEL SIX-- !

OH YEAH, LEVEL FOUR, SWEET !

---, THAT HURT.

HEY, HANG ON A MINUTE !

MY PSP ! NO WAIT !

OPEN THE GATE !

OPEN THE GATE !

WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, KENNY.

I AM PETER.

WHAT THE ---- IS GOING ON ?

THERE ISN'T MUCH TIME, KENNY.

YOU ARE DEAD, BUT, YOUR DEATH WAS NO ACCIDENT.

HEAVEN NEEDS YOU.

ME ?

COME, THERE'S MUCH TO DISCUSS.

THINGS ARE NOT GOOD IN HEAVEN, KENNY.

SATAN IS PLANNING A MASSIVE ATTACK,

AND HE KNOWS WE ARE TOO FEW IN NUMBER TO STOP HIM.

GOD HAS CHANGED THE RULES HERE.

FOR AGES, ONLY MORMONS WERE ALLOWED INTO HEAVEN.

HEY ! HI, THERE ! HELLO !

OH, HI !

BUT KNOWING THAT HELL WAS BECOMING MUCH LARGER,

GOD DECIDED TO LET MORE PEOPLE CROSS OVER

SO THAT HE COULD BUILD AN ARMY AS WELL,

AN ARMY THAT YOU MUST COMMAND.

YOU WANT ME TO WHAT ?

THE SONY PSP WAS BUILT BY GOD TO DETERMINE WHO ON EARTH

HAD THE BEST SKILLS TO DEFEAT THE ARMIES OF SATAN.

YOU-- ARE THE BEST.

YOU-- ARE THE ONLY HOPE FOR THE UNIVERSE.

SATAN'S ARMY GROWS AS WE SPEAK.

THE DARK LORD KNOWS THAT OUR ARMIES ARE FEW IN NUMBER

AND UNORGANIZED,

SO OUR ONLY HOPE IS PERFECT STRATEGY.

A CHILD ? THIS IS GOD'S SOLUTION ?

HE BEAT SATAN'S ARMY IN OVER 3,000 SEPARATE SIMULATIONS.

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL, WHAT SAY YOU ?

THE CHILD DID SOMETHING NONE OF US COULD--

REACH LEVEL 60 ON THE PSP.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S LUCK OR PERSEVERANCE,

BUT IT'S GOD DAMNED IMPRESSIVE.

ALRIGHT, KENNY, LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT WE'RE UP AGAINST.

THIS IS THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.

SATAN'S ARMY WILL ATTACK THE GATES, HERE.

THEY ARE 10 BILLION IN NUMBER, MAYBE MORE.

OUR ARMIES ARE HERE, HERE, AND HERE.

JUST UNDER 10,000 STRONG.

WE ARE OUTNUMBERED AND IN NEED OF SOMEONE

WHO CAN SINGLE-HANDEDLY BRING THE WHOLE DARK EMPIRE DOWN.

BASICALLY, KENNY, YOU ARE KEANU REEVES.

MY FELLOW DAMNED SOULS !

NOW IS THE TIME FOR OUR ASSAULT !

YOU KNOW NO FEAR, YOU WILL DRINK THE BLOOD OF ANGELS !

WE GO NOW ! NOTHING CAN STOP US !

MOVE ASIDE ! STEP ASIDE I SAY !

SATAN, GOD HAS MOCKED THEE ONCE AGAIN !

MY SPY.

GOD HAS FOUND A WAY TO DEFEAT YOUR ARMY.

IMPOSSIBLE ! HOW ?

A YOUNG MAN.

BASICALLY, HE'S LIKE KEANU REEVES.

OH, JESUS CHRIST.

MY LORD !

MY LORD, WE MUST ATTACK NOW !

WHAT'S THE POINT ?

THEY HAVE A KEANU REEVES NOW.

DO NOT FEAR, MY LORD, YOUR ARMY IS GREAT !

VERY WELL.

DEMON ARMY-- BEGIN YOUR MARCH ON HEAVEN !

UP HERE YOU GET THE BEST TACTICAL VIEW

TO PROTECT THE FORTRESS.

IT IS FROM HERE, KENNY,

THAT YOU SHALL COMMAND THE ARMIES OF HEAVEN.

HOW ?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS ?

SIMPLE. YOU WILL USE-- THIS.

THIS GOLDEN PSP IS THE KING OF ALL PSPs.

HAIL THE HOLY PSP. HAIL THE HOLY PSP.

IT WORKS JUST LIKE THE ONES WE SENT TO EARTH.

ALL THE COMMANDS YOU MAKE

WILL BE SENT TO THE TROOPS DOWN ON THE BATTLEFIELD.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PLAY THE GAME, KENNY,

ONLY THIS TIME, IT'S FOR REALS.

GABRIEL RETURNS WITH NEWS !

HELL'S ARMY IS DEPARTING !

THEY HEAD NOW FOR THE GATES OF HEAVEN !

PREPARE THE TROOPS !

WE MUST BE READY FOR THEM !

THE TIME IS AT HAND, KENNY.

THE STAGE IS SET, AND THE FINAL BATTLE

BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

THE FATE OF THE OUTCOME IS IN YOUR HANDS !

WHERE'D HE GO ?

DOCTOR, WE HAVE A PULSE !

THEN, THAT'S IT-- WE'VE BROUGHT HIM BACK.

AMAZING DOCTOR-- YOU'VE REVIVED SOMEBODY

WHO'S BEEN LEGALLY DEAD FOR ALMOST A DAY.

CALL THE PARENTS.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE SHOCKED TO FIND OUT.

THEIR SON IS ALIVE.

IT'S THE LATEST IN ELECTROPLESTALICOL SCIENCE.

YOUR SON'S ORGANS ARE ALL FUNCTIONING AGAIN.

IT'S A MIRACLE.

KENNY, YOU'RE ALIVE.

I'M AFRAID HE CAN'T RESPOND TO YOU.

YOU SEE, BEING DEAD FOR THAT LONG,

MOST OF KENNY'S BRAIN CELLS DIED FROM LACK OF OXYGEN.

YOUR SON IS ALIVE, BUT IN WHAT WE CALL

A "PERSISTIVE VEGETATIVE STATE."

WILL HE EVER RECOVER ?

I'M AFRAID NO.

BRAIN CELLS CANNOT BE REPAIRED ONCE DEAD.

BUT HIS SOUL IS STILL IN HERE !

ALMOST... TRAPPED IN HERE, IF YOU WILL.

KENNY IS THE SAME AS HE EVER WAS.

IT'S JUST THAT NOW HE'S MORE LIKE...

A TOMATO.

HE CAN'T MOVE ON HIS OWN ?

HOW WILL HE EAT ?

A "FEEDING TUBE."

IT PUMPS A NUTRIENT PASTE DIRECTLY INTO KENNY'S STOMACH.

WITH IT, WE CAN ACTUALLY KEEP KENNY, THE TOMATO,

ALIVE FOR YEARS.

A FEEDING TUBE ?

YES, APPARENTLY, THEY'RE USING MACHINES TO KEEP HIM ALIVE.

BUT THAT'S NOT NATURAL !

GOD INTENDED KENNY TO DIE, WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE DOING ?

THE CHILD'S SOUL IS NOW TRAPPED INSIDE HIS VEGETATIVE BODY.

WE HAVE NO ONE TO COMMAND THE TROOPS WITH THE PSP.

AND SATAN'S ARMIES ARE APPROACHING.

OH, GOD DAMMIT !

BOYS, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR COMING DOWN TO MY OFFICE