Bridget & Eamon

See what's on Two.

..blackcurrant juice disappear first time all of the time.

See what's on One.

He took me to Blackrock Castle.

Go back to Two.

It's just adds. Go back to One.

So he's got a job and he's at home.

- See what's on Two. - SHUT UP!

Get up Eamon!

I've my Tupperware party tonight.

I've only 11 hours to clean the place!

I am asleep, Bridget!

You're not, Eamon. Get up!

You know what happened to Big Phil couple of weeks ago

when Noreen spotted that dust on her curtains.

She died.

- She died of shame. - She didn't die of shame, Bridget.

She died because she took the cocaine on her

94th birthday for the first time in her life.

That's why she died.

She died of shame. Same thing.

Ssh. I want to get the headlines.

I don't have time for this!

Get up and mind those kids!

- Hi Bridget! - Oh hello Father. Come in.

Sit down. Here, have a fry.

Oh lovely.

I've been flicking through the latest trends,

just to try and get inspired.

I've a few ideas percolating around my head for something you might wear tonight.

But I have to ask you for the parish newsletter fashion pages.

Are you getting the hair done?

Of course I am.

I'm thinking I want something pure modern.

I want loads of body but but not a bouffant.

Something choppy-changey.

Eamon, a quick word about this year's charity box.

We don't want a repeat of what happened last year.

That child, Kuna Ungugu, flew 5,000 miles to

personally pick up your Trocaire box and what was in it?

What was in it? Semtex.

I've said before, I don't care where you got it from.

The poor starving children need money, Eamon.

Now, get my lips around one of these big boys.

Now.

Sure that's dangerous.

You'd have young lads drowning themselves just so they can

get a good feel up from a woman.

What are you doing still here?

I don't want you here for my Tupperware party. Get out.

Have you been inhaling hairspray again?

Because I've told you on several occasions,

I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go anywhere.

I can make 20 pounds a week.

Come on in ladies! I hope none of ye left your purses at home.

You're very welcome to the Ј20 a.. Sorry.

Plastic shite party.

God, you have to hand it to her.

The sophistication around here.

Look at how clean her curtains are.

She didn't do them herself.

I hear she gets someone else in to do them.

Ladies, Father.

Help yourself to a Mint, Viscount.

Don't be shy. There's plenty more where that came from.

Noreen, Dolores, Concepta.

Ah yes, the Mint Viscount are very nice indeed but

have you tried the other variety?

The legends are true.

- Where did you get those? - Mace of course.

Father, will you do the honours?

- (ECHO) - Dear Lord, please bless these Orange Viscount.

We are truly blessed to be feasting upon the Mint Variety but

to have the orange flavour is truly an occasion.

In the name of the Father, the son and the Holy Ghost.

Eamon!

Come here to me!

Eamon!

Now ladies.

Before I open this box, I just want you to know that no cheap

plastic has been used in these products.

They have come all the way from England, don't you know.

Your husbands are going to love them.

There is nothing worse than when a man whips out his banana

and it's all smelly.

Great Bridget.

I'll open the box.

What is it Bridget? What's in the box?

I'm so sorry ladies. There must've been a terrible mix-up.

Here, have a valium.

I knew you were into shady stuff with your foil covered biscuits

and your notions!

- My psoriasis is on fire already! - Have a valium.

I can't believe you made me look at them.

Do you know it's a year in purgatory for every one of them that you see!

That's my fecked!

I'll be there for years.

But I..

Bridget, I need to come in and get some sugar.

I'm sure I have half a teaspoon if I look.

Bridget, I was wondering if it'd at all be possible to purchase,

purely for educational purposes, for a friend of mine actually,

one of those rubber sleeping bags. - What?

The diving suits.

You know, the tail sheath. Joybag, French letter.

- What? - Protestant pleasure pack.

A condom!?

And money's no object.

You know full well I got the children's allowance this morning.

I'm also willing to part with my signed Johnny.

- A Johnny for a johnny. - (KNOCK) - Hide! Hide.

I'll cut to the chase Bridget.

The rubber johnnies, what are they for?

A man puts it on when you have.. relations.

- Like your cousin? - Sexual relations.

You mean your cousin.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

I'll give you Ј15 for two. Ј20 for three.

I am disgusted. You would think I would give you three of those

yokes for twenty?

Get in there and I'll give you four.

Bridget, I love what you've done under here.

It's just so Falcon Crest.

- I hope I get the same deal as she's getting? - Get in!

One at a time!

How many?

2, 4.. 12.

12 crackers.

I'll take it up the other end, Frank.

Shut up. You need them anyway. You mad yoke.

Bridget! It's back on.

A condom comes in a pack like that.

That is the dreaded object.

- Jesus Christ. Condoms Bridget. - What?

Condoms. It's a thundering disgrace. Look!

Like are we supposed to sit and watch this filth?

That's a long-sheathed Trojan.

What?

I said I'd rather listen to Larry Gogan.

He's great, isn't he.

Who calls to someone's house when The Late Late Show is on?

- Someone must be dead. - Or it's the IRA.

I've a half-naked Fierce Handy Frank at the door,

looking for two small ones.

Says if he doesn't get them soon, he's about to explode.

Phew, I thought it was the guards.

He says he wants to talk to you.

Here, give us a few of them quick, will ya.

Before she goes off the boil.

She's after having a blood transfusion and if you look at her

from the right angle, doesn't look a day over 70.

Fierce Handy Frank, you must've called to the wrong house. He's mad.

Now go on out of there and don't look in my bag that's

hanging on the door in the hall.

He's gas.

That's very strange.

Why would Fierce Handy Frank be calling during The Late Late Show?

And why did you think it was the guards?

Oh Eamon.

You see, what happened was a package arrived..

I've to stop listening to you.

What's going on in here?

Eamon. This isn't what it looks like.

Okay, so you might look at Dolores and think she's sorting out the

multiple boxes into 3 for 20 deals.

Okay, so Concepta might look like she's filtering the small, medium and large.

Okay, you might look at Noreen and see that she may be

testing out the fruit flavoured ones on a selection of rolling pins

but you couldn't be further from the truth.

What's happening here is..

I can't lie to you. It's true.

I've become a condom dealer and I've hired these bitches

to cut down the boxes and I've a dozen dealers on the streets

right now, peddling the rubber.

Oh Bridget, Bridget, Bridget.

You have brought shame onto this house.

It's not meself I feel sorry for.

It's the 6 to 8 kids that we have.

They'll be scandalised forever.

I've 12 grand hidden in the Trocaire boxes.

They'll get over it.

I'm almost pr..

I'm fierce. I'm pr..

I'm prou.. I'm fierce..

I'm delighted for you now, I have to say.

I'm delighted for you.

As your dead mother used to say,

Bridget, she's not great looking but she's fierce handy to have aroun the place.

God rest her soul, she was dead right.

Eamon, for the last time. My mother is not dead.

Don't take the shine off this for me Bridget.