Laugh Killer Laugh

Laughter is a sin around here.

You know why? Because laughter can mean happiness

and I want you boys to always know

happiness don't exist for you.

It exists for the privileged, for the loved.

The world outside don't care about you!

So laughing is just pretending.

And if they make believe over here, uh-uh.

This here is a home for the wayward, for the orphaned, for the discarded.

I am setting you up to succeed.

Because y'all too stupid to know the truth.

And you'll thank me for this when you get old enough, okay?

Believe me, you'll thank me for telling you the truth.

My hates have a tendency to move around, you know?

I hate that I'm losing this game of cards. I hate you asking me questions.

Frank Stone?

I neither hate him nor like him.

I'm a professional headmaster.

I'm objective.

I'm not a homosexual. I'm a pedophile.

It's different, okay?

I teach them boys who they are.

So society wants to kill it.

These boys up here, who do they got? Ain't nobody, just each other, just boys.

They gotta learn how to love each other. So I teach 'em how.

I don't mess with old men. I'm married.

It's degenerate.

Outside the bounds. He's on the other side of the street.

I'm walking down the street, right? Right street. He's across the street.

Always has been.

Working for the mob. Who does he think he is, Al Capone?

No, no!

No, no!

Knock it off.

I said knock it off.

I got it open.

Get the merchandise.

Slow down.

You can get the cops on a day off.

Listen to me, you stupid jerk-off.

You're not my boss, so don't talk to me like that.

If I want to get some action off some broad, I will, okay? That's my business.

I thought you acted inappropriately. Were you tryin' to get us popped for rape?

- Next time, I'll just fuckin' kill... - Whoa!

You should have kept a better class of friend.

I see the frustration of sin!

I feel the frustration of sin.

Let me tell you, if you don't already know.

Sin is the apple that's put in front of the horse.

It was the apple presented to Eve in the garden of Eden.

And it's the apple of my eye when I see that nice little rump on all of you.

It's mine to take!

I'm headmaster. That's, like, God.

That's, like, the final say, okay?

I take, I give, my surrender.

But make no mistake!

It's still me and not you.

None of you have a claim or say.

I am the last word.

Okay?

- Hey, Frank? - Yeah.

The boss wants to see you tomorrow. Understand?

- Let's not talk about it. - Hooked on that shit?

- It's in their veins. - That's like that energy drink, right?

It's their methedrine, their methedrine.

- The first energy drink ever. - Their first guy's talking shit all the time.

- Hey, bud, are you in? - Hey, Frank, how're you doing?

Sit down, sit down.

What do you have for me?

A pretty nice haul.

Whoa!

Nice.

Real nice.

Clean job as always?

A couple of bumps on the road, but I paved them over, as always.

Yeah, I heard. You know, you're one coldhearted son of a bitch, Frank.

Took out his own guy.

You know, you remind me of this...

this bedtime story that my father, God bless his soul,

that he used to read to me as a kid.

It was about an evil bastard, just like Frank. I'm tellin' ya.

Frank, did your father ever used to read you bedtime stories?

I never knew my ol' man, Tony.

Oh, I'm sorry, Frank, I didn't know. I didn't know, Frank.

Give him his money.

The money!

Okay, Frank, here's your money.

Thanks, Tony.

Hey, Frank, I got a question for you.

Now that you got all those fazool's in your pocket,

which one of your broad's you gonna take out?

Maybe take a shower...

Take her to Paris, some place more high end, romantic

like Coney Island for a hot date.

Did you need anything else, Tony?

No, that's it. Thanks, Frank. Good work, good work.

- Have a nice day, fellas. - Yeah, take it easy, handsome.

What you guys break his balls for? He's a fern.

Alright, come on, let's play cards. Come on, come on, come on.

Long, long time ago...

Long time ago!

You know, man figured out...

Animal skin, beneficial to 'em.

Good thing.

Now, like this here, keep ya warm in the winter.

Dry in the summer. My happy thing.

Animal skin.

Like this belt here, see?

It's leather, animal skin.

But there's many different functions. There's holding my pants, you know?

Tie a woman down and shoot.

Be a good thing, too, sometimes. Depends on the girl.

Those women are hard to...

hard to figure them out sometimes, you know?

It's romantic.

Hit 'em for the punishment and...

You know, wrap it around your hand like this or on your fist like this.

Bam! No more problem.

That man go down.

It's going down!

Turn around, now.

Turn around!

Grab your ankles.

But you don't listen.

Now I'm gonna fix your radio, I'll teach ya.

I'm using this belt as... alright?

And this is a romantic use for it.

Some place this was.

It's a good thing they closed it.

It was horribly run.

Those poor boys, they use them like punching bags.

That's what... that's what I heard.

It's a good thing we didn't go there, huh?

Hey, you better hurry up. Class starts in a few minutes.

What?

Oh, I thought you were in my creative writing class.

Sorry.

Dominic was loaded, as usual.

He loved to drink, which was a good thing because at this point, he had to drink.

If he didn't start his day by rolling out of bed and crawling to the freezer

for a few shots of vodka, his hands would shake and he'd start to feel sick.

And he'd become as manic as a mental patient.

But what are you gonna do? Everybody's got their cross...

Dominic was a drunk and would always be a drunk, but he was okay with that.

He was the heartbreakingly tragic figure he always wanted to be,

but with an abdominal sense of human that made him borderline heroic in his own mind.

He was destined to crash and burn. But it was gonna be epic, if not entertaining.

He had already come close to cashing in once.

Couple of winters back, he was found passed out in his boxer shorts in the boulevard

during a failed attempt to get to a liquor store.

He spent the next five weeks in the hospital.

Initially, the doctors didn't give him much of a chance. Dominic's liver was shot.

He was completely yellow with jaundice. His skin was yellow.

The whites of his eyes were yellow, if he had been wearing a top hat and a monocle,

he could've passed for Mr. Peanut, but somehow he survived.

Supposedly, the liver is a highly regenerative organ, or so they told him.

The doctors lectured Dominic about how he was being given a second chance to live

and how he needed to make some serious lifestyle changes...

Alright, thank you, thank you, Bradford.

Anybody have any questions for Bradford, class?

- Yes, Ackley? - It didn't do anything for me.

- Okay, okay... - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- If that's what you felt, that's okay. - Didn't do, yeah, I'm sorry.

- Okay, no, if that's how you felt... - Just...

Yeah, I just feel like it just lacked emotion.

- Yes, Jackie? - I have something, Mr. Benson.

- Okay, Jackie, go ahead. - Okay.

Alright.

- Alright, Jackie, go ahead. - Okay, okay. Sorry, okay.

He never stayed long. Never. He liked Rosemary's company,

but always seemed to be in a hurry, like if he had a duel life or something.

But Rosemary didn't mind. She was lonely.

And lonely women cry at night. Rosemary got sick of it.

That's why she wore her fancy bottle of perfume and best dress.

She wanted him to caress her like a mink coat.

But it didn't happen this time. Rosemary wept after he left.

She thought about swallowing that whole bottle of pills, but decided not to.

She didn't want any man thinking someone killed themselves for him.

Rosemary, instead, painted a horizon on a canvas.

It seemed brighter than her future.

- You alright, Jackie? - Yeah, no, I just get nervous sometimes.

Okay, what do you call this story?

Oh, God. I guess I would call it...

"The girl in apartment 3J".

Alright, does anybody have any questions for Jackie?

- Yes, Ackley? - Yes, I was wondering how long

we're gonna have to hear about these desperate characters of yours.

The same characters from the last story that you brought in.

I mean, when are we gonna hear something good for a change, something...

- What? - ...with more levels.

More... I want more... I want more.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Herman Melville.

I wouldn't be caught dead reading Melville.

Excuse me, Ackley? Ackley, we could do without that.

Well, the whole function of this creative writing class

is to learn and experience and to grow.

I... yeah, I...

We do not need to criticize to the extent that you take it to.

- Oh... - Jackie? What do you...

What were you feeling when you wrote this particular passage to your story?