Groupers

Oh, what a drag.

I'm being on featured on "Cops" twice.

Kissy ass, it's too hard.

Damn, she's a mad slut.

Ooh.

Oof, ah.

No.

What the?

Ow!

- Hey. - Get out.

And we've got action.

Oh, you stupid fucker.

And so it begins.

Surprise.

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.

Rise and shine?

Yeah, no good.

I hate wakey wakey and rise and shine, too.

There's really no good phrase to start the morning

unless you're a morning person.

I guess you'd be fine with any old greeting.

You a morning person, Brad?

Don't need an alarm clock,

you just wake up with a gleam in your eye

and a pep in your step, ready for a brand new day?

Yeah, I bet you're one of those people.

Not this guy, though, am I right?

Needs his beauty sleep.

Isn't that right, Dylan?

You need a good nine to 10

hours before you start your day?

Help!

Uh, help!

¶ Help! ¶

Come on, we almost had a good harmony going there.

That was nice.

Yell all you want.

There ain't nobody out there but us chickens.

What the fuck?

Yes indeed, what the fuck.

That is the question.

So glad you finally asked.

Yeah, what the fuck?

- Yeah, the question's already been established

by your buddy here.

What the fuck?

It's been established.

- What the, what the fuck is this?

- So here's your "what the fuck."

You're both gonna help me answer a really big question.

You've been selected to be a part

of a truly important study, an experiment.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Dylan.

I knew that words like experiment or study

would make you agitated.

Fuck you, bitch.

Good one.

I won't use words like study or experiment anymore.

We're gonna play a little game.

Holy shit, what is this?

Oh, shit, what?

My legs, I can't feel my legs.

What did you do to my legs?

- Yeah, what did you do to my legs?

- Okay now, everybody just calm down.

You're asking a lot of questions, and rightfully so,

but we've gotta have some order

if anything's gonna get done around here.

You haven't even given me a chance

to address your concerns.

- Well then, start answering, you bitch.

Yeah, bitch.

- God, he's so much worse than I imagined.

What's your deal?

- Let's get on the same page here, shall we?

Very good, now.

Ask me a question, just one.

Who are you, like for real?

Yeah.

I'm your abductor.

- Great, and what should we call our abductor?

Sorry, abductress.

General rule to live by,

when going to a bar and trying to take a girl home,

it might be considered rude

to not even have a clue as to what her name is.

- You were taking us to your place.

- My name's Meg, but that's not important.

Next question.

Where are we?

- Deep end of an empty pool in an empty neighborhood.

Next question.

Which neighborhood, where?

Not important.

Fucking bitch.

Do go on.

What is this?

A study, an experiment.

I already told you that.

Ask her if she'll let us go.

- Have you, have you maimed me, maimed us?

Will I walk again?

Oh God, no

No, no, no, I didn't maim you.

I, this isn't one of those long stings.

In fact, let's just say that we'll be done with this

by the time the sun drops behind that hill over there.

We'll be done one way or another.

That much I promise you, next?

Why?

Fancy Pants!

And?

Know him?

Sure, Aaron.

Orin.

Orin, whatever, so what?

And who is Orin to you, Brad?

He's a kid at school.

Who is Orin to the two of you?

He's just some kid.

Just some kid?

In the interest of brevity

and moving this soiree right along,

I'm gonna read some brief and blatantly painful excerpts

from Orin's journal.

Who the fuck keeps a journal

October 8th, last year.

My ear continues to ring from the punch I took

from Dylan in the hall today.

December 5th, last year.

Brad and his bulldog, Dylan,

are transferred out of my gym glass.

This is big news for me as it means

I won't be tortured after lunch on the regular anymore.

December 13th, this year.

I miss being able to schedule my abuse and humiliation.

Now that Brad and the animal are no longer in my gym class,

they find me whenever they can throughout the day.

I never know when the attacks are coming.

Once I graduate and move on from this hellhole,

they will, too.

I'm sure they'll learn to mask their hatred to an extent,

but they'll still be out there,

as others will like them.

They'll always find ways to scourge the undeserving

and make lives miserable in their wake.

I really don't see an end.

No light at the end of this tunnel.

Dude's obsessed with us.

- Where exactly was the brevity in all of that?

Yeah, brevity.

What is that?

- Pretty long-winded and dramatic, if you ask me.

I didn't.

Do you think that homosexuality is a choice, Brad?

A choice?

Yeah.

Do people choose to be gay, or don't they?

- We've all got free will, so yeah.

I guess it's totally a choice.

Right.

Let me ask you this, Brad.

Think your parents are proud?

Parents, older sister?

Two older sisters, right?

Stalker.

It's not the first time some chick

has stalked me.

Ugh, get over yourself.

Think they're proud?

Yeah, I'd like to think so.

Yeah, I bet they're proud.

Bet your mom and dad, older sisters Susan and Judy,

are so proud of their all-American son,

little brother, making his way

through the high school ranks so amicably.

You could say that.

What about you?

What about me?

- No siblings, no dad to make him proud or look up to.

Had to go find a chum to follow at school.

I don't follow shit!

Is homosexuality a choice?

Yeah, it is.

- No siblings, raised by your grandma,

with a double-digit IQ.

Must be so difficult for you.

Yeah, well, fuck you.

- Something that's always made so little sense to me

about people like you

is your absolute opposition to people of color,

religion hooking up,

but when it comes to the sexes,

they have to be opposite by their very definition.

So now, we're bigots, too?

Hey, don't listen to her.

She's trying to mind fuck you,

trying to mind fuck the both of us.

Don't know why yet, but that's what she's doing.

- Dylan asked me if was the Mayor of Queertown