A Series of Unfortunate Events

The episode you are about to watch,

assuming your eyes are open and tilted towards me,

is a story which can teach you the difference between the word "nervous"

and the word "anxious."

The word "nervous" means "worried about something."

The way you might feel if you were served prune ice cream,

because you'd be worried it would taste awful.

I'm nervous.

"Anxious," on the other hand, means "troubled by disturbing suspense."

The way you might feel if you were served a live alligator,

because you'd be troubled by the suspense

of whether you would eat your dessert or it would eat you.

I'm anxious.

If you are thinking about the story of the Baudelaire orphans,

you might feel nervous because you do not know how it ends.

But if you are viewing this story, you will be anxious and troubled

by the disturbing suspense in which they find themselves hopelessly trapped.

Now, Baudelaires, I know you must be nervous.

I was a little nervous trying to find you a new guardian,

given your track record.

But never fear. This is a very fashionable block.

Much more fashionable than where you lived,

even though it's a few blocks away.

We're not concerned with how fashionable it is.

We're more than nervous, Mr. Poe. We're anxious.

Our friends have been kidnapped by Olaf.

- Yes, the Quagmire twins. - Triplets.

- There's only two of them. - Quigley died in a fire.

Then no need to worry about him. As for Dennis and Iphigenia...

Duncan and Isadora.

- Do you know what that is? - A police car?

A citywide manhunt to apprehend Olaf and rescue your friends.

We at Mulctuary Money Management are co-sponsoring every effort

to bring this ghastly villain to justice.

Look at the wanted posters we had pasted up all over town.

You can't see them. The trees are blocking the light.

Trust me. It's a good likeness of a very bad person.

Once I have dropped you at this apartment

where old friends of your parents have promised to be your guardians,

I'm taking a helicopter ride to search for the Quagmires

using the binoculars my wife gave me as an anniversary present.

Now, let's see...

Has anyone seen the numbers 667?

It should be somewhere on this block.

Another mysterious set of our parents' friends.

Who we've never met.

Found the building. It's right next to this lamppost I just ran into.

Names?

I'm Violet, and these are my siblings, Klaus and Sunny.

You're expected. But who's that behind you with a nosebleed?

This is a restricted area.

Don't mind me. I'm just dropping off the Baudelaires,

and then I'm off to find a clinic and/or bag of frozen peas

before I miss my helicopter.

Sorry. No unauthorized parties allowed.

There's a manhunt going on.

Well, in that case, goodbye, Baudelaires.

If you need to contact me, remember I'll be in a helicopter

and won't be reachable at any moment at any time.

- Friend of yours? - Oh, he works at a bank.

I know the type.

In fact, you'll be staying with the city's sixth most important financial adviser.

Mr. and Mrs. Squalor live in the penthouse,

which is the top floor of 667 Dark Avenue,

the most fashionable and secure building in town.

Count Olaf won't be able to get in or out of this building.

Sorry about the lighting. Dark is in.

- In what? - Just in.

You can take these stairs to the penthouse.

Is the elevator out of order?

I'm good with mechanical devices. I'd be happy to look at it.

A kind and unusual offer, but it's not out of order. Just out.

I'll phone the penthouse and tell them to expect you within the hour.

People who live in penthouses are rich and powerful.

I hope they can help us find the Quagmires.

We don't have a clue where Olaf could have taken them.

We're in the dark.

The phrase "in the dark," which I'm sure you know,

can refer to not only one's shadowy surroundings,

but also to the secrets which might be surrounding you.

Every day, the sun goes down over all of these secrets,

so everyone is in the dark in one way or another.

If you are sunbathing in the park,

but you do not know about the deep and dangerous pit nearby,

then you are in the dark even though you are not actually in the dark.

If you are on a midnight hike

knowing full well that several ballerinas are following you,

then you are not in the dark even though you are in the dark.

Of course, it is possible to be in the dark in the dark,

and to be not in the dark not in the dark.

But there are so many secrets in this world

that it is likely that you are always in the dark about something,

whether you're in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark.

So you'll eventually fall

into the deep and dangerous pit dug by several ballerinas,

which is dark in the dark in the park.

That's odd.

There's two sets of elevator doors. See? On every other floor, there's just one.

You must be the Baudelaires. Welcome. The door's always unlocked.

My name is Jerome Squalor. I'm so happy you've come to stay with us.

How do you do, Mr. Squalor?

You must be out of breath from that climb.

I can think of two things to do about that.

One, stop calling me Mr. Squalor and start calling me Jerome.

Number two, I am gonna make you a nice, cold martini. Come this way.

- A martini? Isn't that an alcoholic drink? - Usually it is.

But alcoholic martinis are out and aqueous martinis are in.

Aqueous martinis?

It's just cold water in a fancy glass with an olive in it.

We've never had aqueous martinis before, but we'll try them.

You're adventurous, just like your parents.

I remember when we went up to Mount Fraught

and did high-impact bird-watching. How many years ago was that?

- Was Montgomery Montgomery there? - Or Josephine Anwhistle?

Who? No, I never met any of your previous guardians.

- You don't happen to own a spyglass? - No.

But one of the eagles flew off with my best pair of binoculars that day.

I was not happy.

And then, soon after that, I lost touch with your parents.

You know how it is.

You get older. You find different interests.

You marry a woman who despises all of your old friends.

But there's no need to discuss such unpleasantness.

I wanted to adopt you the moment I heard about the fire.

Unfortunately, it was impossible.

Orphans were out then.

But now they're in.

- Good evening. - It's mid-morning, my precious.

I'm Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor,

the city's sixth most important financial adviser.

Even though I am unbelievably wealthy, you may call me Esmé.

I'll learn your names later.

I am very happy you're here.

When all my friends hear that I have three real live orphans,

they'll be sick with jealousy. Won't they, Jerome?

I don't know. I don't like to hear that anybody's sick.

You'll have such a glamorous life with me

that your friends' eyes will roll back in their heads.

You will be exposed to all the innest restaurants,

the innest boutiques, premieres, cockfights, gallery openings.

What my wife means is that we hope you'll feel safe and secure.

- Don't tell them silly things. - Okay.

Children, here are things you should know.

Dark is in, light is out. Stairs are in, elevators are out.

- Pinstripe suits are... - In.

In.

- In. - Yes.

Those horrible clothes you're wearing are out.

What my wife means is we hope you'll feel comfortable while you're here.

I feel awful about all the terrible experiences you've had.

This entire time, we could've been taking care of you...

It couldn't be helped.

When something's out, it's out. And orphans used to be out.

We're glad you're interested in orphans now,

because we are concerned about some of our friends.

- Mmm. - Oh...

The Quagmires. I'm sure you're anxious for them to be rescued.

We are anxious.

If there's one good thing about being rich and powerful,

it's you don't have to be anxious.

After they're found, the Quagmires will live right here with us.

- The more orphans the better. -

- It's handy to have a few spares. - Okay.

Rest at ease, Baudelaires. You live in a penthouse now.

You're never going to want for anything again.

All we want is for our friends to be safe.

Well, I'm sure we'll hear good news soon.

Big fat fantastic news about what we were just talking about!

- Has Olaf been captured? - The Quagmires rescued?

- Better. -

- Dark is out, light is in. - Oh.

We have to turn on lamps and open curtains before anyone sees.

Flip the light switches in the west wing.

Baudelaires, open the curtains in the living room.

I'll run around in panicky circles.

Something tells me the Squalors won't be as helpful as we need them to be.

Meanwhile, Olaf could be getting further and further away.

Does this seem like a nightmare? A bad dream?

Because that's the effect I was going for.

Well, I have nightmares, too, orphans.

I wake up in the middle of the night screaming,

and the only thing that comforts me

is knowing the three of you will soon be screaming.

Just like another set of wealthy orphans that happen to be in my clutches.

- Duncan and Isadora. - Where are they?

You mean you don't know?

I thought everybody could smell wealthy orphans

when they were in arm's reach.

Well, not to worry.

Soon all of you orphans will be in my clutches.