Man Camp

Our dad could have beat the shit out of your dad.

I'm not bragging, it's just a fact.

You may have heard that the human head weighs 11 pounds

and the neck shouldn't be able to support it.

Our dad's mustache alone weighed 12,

and his neck didn't give a shit, because it was basically a third bicep.

He drove an '89 350.

Got ten miles to the gallon,

but he offset his carbon footprint by growing our mom

a fresh bouquet of flowers every single day.

I still drive it.

Him and our mom had three boys.

Adam, that's me, Tim, and Kevin.

With our powers combined,

we never once got him to the ground,

and Tim was a high school state champion wrestler in junior high.

Every summer, we'd go to the cabin he built with his bare hands,

because tools are for cowards,

and he showed us everything there was to know

about being a man.

Building fires, chopping down trees, subduing bears.

You know, the basics.

He called it "Man Camp",

and then when I was 16 years old,

he ran into the one thing that he couldn't take down

with his world class ax throwing abilities.

He got cancer.

And within months,

the greatest man to walk the planet was gone.

Now, your dad might still be alive,

but if they ever do throw down in Heaven,

or you know, I don't how all that's going to work,

but if they do,

our dad will absolutely beat the shit out of your dad.

Can we not do this today?

Stop licking it, eat it.

If you like the taste, then put it all the way in.

If you like the way it tastes, then put it in your belly.

Look at me, you eat that oatmeal right now.

You put it in your mouth and you swallow it or I will take your blankie

and I will burn it like Captain von Trapp burning the Nazi flag.

Do you understand? I can get rid of you in a second, bud.

They got orphanages on every corner.

I thought the breakfast battle would be over by now.

Hey, is this thing ours, because I'm not,

I'm not feeling super sure about it.

You saw him come out of me, so.

Indeed, indeed I did. How was the gym?

Ugh, Kristen, you know,

the one who is only eating raw bacteria

for three weeks to reset my vagina?

Cornered me about her pyramid scheme again.

- Did you get in the pyramid, babe? - No, I did not, babe.

Babe, you got a chance to get in a pyramid,

you get in there, you get that forbidden treasure, babe.

Oh, you're dumb.

- Did you start packing for your trip yet? - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah?

What is the matter with you? It's Man Camp Week!

Usually you're all like, "Oh, cook up this meat!

Grab me a beer, scratch my balls.

Yeah."

- Whoa! - Wow, that's what I'm like?

Yeah, when you're with the your brothers, yes.

Well, I'm just a little tired of being the only adult in the family, you know?

It's been like babysitting the last few years.

Not now, Artiz, I'm trying to make a point.

Really?

Listen, can't you just,

like, crack the whip and tell me I can't go?

- Crack... the whip? - Yeah.

- You know, the whip. - Oh, ugh, mm.

Lots of wives do it.

You're disgusting and no,

I'm not going to let you end your 12 year tradition

of celebrating your dad's life at the cabin, okay?

Now, I'm going to go shower.

I've had a morning, okay? Clean this up, please.

- Thank you. - Okay, bye.

- Bye, I love you. - Love you.

Oh, hey, babe? Uh, we got to burn Max's blankie.

I can't afford to make another idle threat.

- Have fun. Bye. - Bye.

Don't get too drunk.

- I will! - Okay.

Oh, God, okay. Uh, yeah.

Yep, okay.

There... there you go.

What the hell do you want, man? It's like 10:00 in the morning.

Yeah, man, that's not early, so is Tim around?

- Tim, resident Tim? - Yeah.

Yeah, nobody comes in just to see Tim.

Not nobody, not no how.

Yeah, man, I'm his older brother, so.

Oh, bro, why didn't you say so? Come on in.

This guy from the President Tim poster.

Hey, man, I saw a picture of your wife.

- Did you? - Yeah, it's right there.

It's actually a picture of you and your wife.

Not a day goes by that I don't regret

letting that little one off the hook.

I, I don't know what you mean, what?

Me and Katie, we were a... a thing.

All right, what about this?

Eric Brinkerhoff?

In the flesh.

Katie Baker is married... to me.

- Tim. - Adam!

- Bro! - Broski.

- Broski? - Brocahontas.

- Brocapontas. - Brontosaurus.

- Brohannesburg. - Bone browth.

- Saxobrone. - Dearly bebrothed.

- Broner. - Potato potahbro.

- Bronze Julius. - Broreos and milk.

- What's up, dude? - Did you skip the party last night?

Uh, I wasn't really in the mood to rage,

but I saw the ladies in here and wowza,

so I kept it to a 12-pack and hung around for a bit

to fulfill my presidential duties,

look after these fine lads.

I'm going to go wait in the truck.

Cool, uh, let me grab a quick rinse, then we'll head, okay?

- Man Camp! - Man Camp!

So, uh, is Katie staying home alone?

Hey bud, why don't you rinse off when we get there?

I'm going to get out of here.

So you, uh, planning on graduating anytime soon?

Or are you just going to kind of hang out, become the next-door

- dude perving on people's family pictures? - Come on, dude.

What do you mean "come on?" That guy was fricking perving on Katie.

Everyone pervs on Katie, dude, it's the circle of life.

Every... so you perv on Katie, that's something you do?

She had, like, a baby last year, so obviously not lately,

that'd be pretty messed up, dude.

Besides, she family's on me.

- Brewski? - I'm driving.

- Right, stick shift. - I don't know, man.

All this partying, drinking nonstop,

different girl every week.

At some point you're going to have to grow up.

What, so I can get it together like you?

Get a wife, kid, sell like two cars a month, pay taxes and shit?

It must be pretty lonely on the top of that mountain.

You don't pay taxes?

I don't know, Dad, let me check with my accountant.

Hello, Mr. Steinberg's office.

- Yeah, I'll hold. - Dude, don't be a dick.

Fake out, dude! It's not even a real phone, bro.

Mom told me you were an accident.

Well, um, life, uh...

Finds a way.

Mom?

Mom, we're home!

I don't see Kevin's GoPed.

He's living in the garage, right?

Hey, Kev, bud?

Kev?

Where the hell is everybody?

Brave warrior Bill,

you must journey to the Forbidden Mountain

and save my father from the shadows of the Dark Lord.

I will, my lady, and when I return I shall ask for your hand in marriage.

And at that time you shall have your true reward.

The Mighty Ax of Kabazaduil.

Bro, wake up dipshit!

My lady?

- Kevin, hello, it's Tim! - Tim?

- Is he on drugs or something? - Let's try his, that language that he knows.

I don't actually know the language, I don't actually know.

Kevin, Kevin, wake up.

He hasn't gotten any better at drawing.

Kevin, wake up, dude. Hey, Kev.

Hey, bros.

I... To what do I... I owe this... prestigious pleasure?

It's Man Camp week, dude.

It's Man Camp... it's Man Camp weekend?

Sure, uh, sure, yeah. Totes, totes knew that.

Yeah, is... is Mom around?

Actually, mom... Mom is, uh, let me check the planner.

Oh, she said...

Um, yes. See, a work retreat.

A work retreat?

Uh, yeah, something about team building exercises.

For her business that she owns herself,

and she doesn't have any employees?

Mm-hmm.

She wasn't worried at all

about missing us on her way up to the cabin?

Yeah, well, I'm sure she'll be here when we get back, so

we'll see her then to say hi.

So, how is it man?

All moved in back at home, is it, uh, pretty nice?

Epic.

- Yeah? - Yeah, it's sweet.

Um, you know, other than that

I'm just killing it at college right now.

Five year plan.

I thought, uh, online college

was like a less than two year kind of thing.