New Girl

Oh! Oh!

L'Chaim.

To humping.

I was like a river.

Did you feel that? Did you feel me sweeping you

along with the current of my body?

You were like a canoe on my body river.

Like you'd ever be seaworthy with those breasts.

Boobies.

I wish there was a word that meant

complete satisfaction and complete self-loathing.

I've never seen a woman bite her own shoulder before.

That was the last time.

You said that twice last night.

You'll be back.

I'm like your black tar heroin.

You just need that sweet taste in your veins.

Schmidttle and the damage done.

Neil Young, yo.

Just get me out of here without someone seeing.

Schmidt?

Oh,

did you have a sexual guest?

- What? - Was it

the same girl from the other night?

- I don't know what you're talking about. - It is!

Oh, my God. You slept with the same girl twice in a row?

Was it a mistake? Was she wearing some kind of disguise?

Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with the same girl twice in a row.

I owe you five dollars.

You know, I thought I heard the door open at 3:00 a.m.

Those are the sounds of true love.

- Bet she had the time of her life. - What happened?

Did I miss her?

- You did. - Man, I love meeting

the girls you bring home.

I like to pretend like I'm your lover

on the down-low, Theodore K. Mullins.

Damn, Schmidt, in our bed?

Where we shave each other?

I've always

loved you, you're my boo.

Theodore K. Mullins is not my type, man.

So, you gonna three-peat this ho?

Who is this bitch? We want to meet her.

I'm not gonna parade her around like some trophy.

You know me, I'm not that kind of guy.

Oh!

Schmidt told me this was the front door?

What's wrong with her? Does she have a hunchback?

Dwarf parts?

Lovitz body?

She happens to be an incredibly beautiful woman.

She another one of your heavy gingers, Schmidt?

- How big are her knuckles? - Butter body?

She has a Hitler moustache.

I'm sorry, just,

like, I want to banter with you guys in the morning.

I just, like, panicked, and I made a Hitler joke.

I'm sorry.

Your science projects are looking great, you guys.

Love the potato battery, Harper.

- Good job. - Thanks.

Luke, I like your tree exhibit.

Might want to think about changing the name.

- Okay? - Okay.

Whoa.

You built a robotic arm.

I think we know who's gonna win.

Anyone can still win, Brianna.

Even me, Miss Day?

Yes.

Okay, lunchtime.

Can I have lunch in here?

Oh, no, Nathaniel, what's wrong?

In the cafeteria,

kids have started playing this game, coin slot.

They put pennies in my butt crack.

I made 46 cents.

No, no, no, you earned that.

Um,

Nathaniel, I'm gonna help you out.

Julia sent me a cactus.

She's on a business trip to China,

and she sent it to me out of the blue.

I'm not an idiot.

She's gonna break up with me.

Who told you that?

Did the cactus tell you that?

Is this one of those fortune-telling cactuses...

Winston, think. She's gonna break up with me.

She doesn't think I can take care of a regular plant.

Well, you can't.

Any idiot can take care of a cactus, Winston.

She thinks I'm an idiot.

Why are you watering a cactus?

Because I'm an idiot.

Julia sent him a cactus,

which means she's gonna break up with him.

Hm.

I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke

because otherwise that would be totally stupid and insane.

Snap out of it, son.

Jess, you don't get it.

This cactus is like a symbol

of my relationship with her.

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

I'm not gonna quit on this.

I'm gonna get her back.

There it is.

Look at that.

Not bad, just fix red eye, red eye,

red eye.

Send.

Hello?

Where are you?

Oh, hey, Cecilia,

Did you get my junk mail?

I'm in front of your loft.

I know I said that last time was the last time,

but... you want to come down?

Yeah, I want to co...

Yeah, I'll come down, that sounds good.

All right.

So, I think I changed a life today, you guys.

I pulled a Gandhi, a real Gandhi.

There's a student of mine,

he's been bullied for the past few months,

so after warning the kids that there would be

serious repercussions if this continued,

I delivered a lesson in the key of learning.

Learning minor.

You think singing a song about a kid

is gonna stop him from getting his ass kicked?

I know 12-year-olds are vicious, vengeful creatures.

Middle-school girls

literally scalp each other.

I spent most of sixth grade with a bald spot on my head.

- What? - But don't tell me

music can't make a difference,

'cause it can.

Those kids were videotaping me

- on their cell phones. - Right.

I think these kids are gonna really

- remember that. - Yeah, um,

- You know, this day. - What's the song called?

Um, "Sad Sparrow"

why?

This is why.

Well, at least the bully's not making fun of that kid any more.

They're making fun of me.

The hawk just took a little poop on you.

I'm not proud of myself for saying this,

but it's a really funny video.

Why can't we just go upstairs for a little Schmidt and Spin?

You just said that everybody's upstairs in the living room.

Okay, fine, what about your place?

My place is not an option right now.

All the models are there.

It's 12 models in two rooms.

It's like a room full of hungry Russians.

Uh, yes, please, let's go there.

What about just a little good, old-fashioned car sex?

I can't do any of my moves in there.

I like to improvise with my body.

I'm like a sexual snowflake.

Each night with me is a unique experience, Cece.

Okay, are we gonna do this, or not?

'Cause I kind of need this to happen right now, okay?

Isn't there, like, a Starbucks bathroom around here

or something we could use?

What do I look like, a Gypsy courtesan?

So, how hard are you gonna drop

the hammer on the kid who did this?

I'm gonna find this kid, and I'm just gonna...

open up a dialogue.

Not gonna work.

Take it from me, I used to be a bully.

Ow!

Brown lightning!

Wow, you had a catchphrase? Yeah.

You got to hit them where it hurts.

Thank you, Winston,

but I have a different approach.

Jerk-sica?

My last name rhymes with "gay,"

and the best thing you can think of is Jerk-sica?

Reason.

Hey, Schmidt.

Oh, there is? Thank you.

He says we should look out the window.

There's a crescent moon out tonight.

Oh, dip, seriously?

Why do we care about a crescent moon?

I don't know.

I'm gonna live up there someday.

Hey, Julia, what's up, girl?