Harley Quinn

I am going to kill you.

What? I haven't even said the stuff yet

that might piss you off.

Ivy!

Violence was the hallmark of our relationship, too.

Beth, you craving Thai or Italian?

Hey! I don't know what I did! I'm sure it's somethin'.

Let's just hash this out like adults.

I gotcha!

So, missed you at the dress fitting.

Kite Man, what the fuck is happenin'?

-Also, hand. -Uh... Oh, oh! Sorry.

Uh, turns out

Dr. Psycho is now, like, all-powerful,

and has my forever babe mind controlled.

Well, we won't need to worry about Psycho

after I kill him.

Oh, thank God!

She's the love of my life, and the wedding is tomorrow.

The wedding's happening, okay?

You didn't buy that tux for nothin'.

I didn't buy it at all. It's a rental.

Jesus, you are a grown man.

Just buy it, you're gonna use it.

One nest of Parademons, coming right up!

Okay, that wasn't to anybody.

I'll ask you this once.

Where is Dr. Psycho?

Oh, what?

Because I'm an alien,

I understand all alien languages?

Okay. I know a little Parademon,

but it's still a racist assumption. Be better.

Do the fish guy, do him.

God! You're like Jaws

if all ya ate was fat people.

Okay, what's your most embarrassing moment?

I thought we were friends,

or at least coworkers with a begrudging professional respect.

Nanaue,

play nice with your brother.

Blood!

No! What are you doing?

That's your brother!

My lord!

You devoured your kin like an amuse-bouche!

Holy hell!

I thought we were gonna see you crap your pants,

but that is dark, man.

Have you procured the head of Harley Quinn?

Funny you should ask.

I am procuring as we speak.

Any minute now, her head

is gonna come rolling through the door

like a bowling ball with a bad dye job.

Ahem! Sorry to interrupt.

Um, apparently,

Batman and his super friends destroyed the Parademons,

and are, um...

-...are coming here. -Fuck!

You express fear and displeasure.

No! Everything's fine.

That was a happy "fuck."

It's a great word. You can use it many different ways.

Like "Fuck, yeah!" or, "Let's fuck."

Harley Quinn swore an oath to me and failed.

Now you have sworn the same oath.

I shall appear at nightfall to collect someone's head.

It is your choice whose.

No problem, no biggie!

Now, is that my nightfall or where you are?

'Cause time zones across planets and dimensions

are like wah, wah, wah, wah, wah... okay.

You've stepped in it now, Psycho.

A big, fresh wet one!

Huzzah!

No way that helmet's powerful enough

to control Superman's funky alien brain.

He might be right.

If the Justice League reach the mall,

uh, game over.

Shut up, Debbie Downer,

it's not game over.

It's game on! Ha!

We got a new plan.

We're gonna kill Harley Quinn,

but first we gotta kill the heroes.

Kill the heroes,

kill Harley,

rule Earth!

Welcome to the old Kite-tress of solitude.

Sorry about the mess.

My, uh, roommate leaves stuff everywhere.

Psycho, that little shit.

Puts on a magic yarmulke

and now, he's doin' Jedi mind tricks?

We need to destroy that helmet.

Uh, just a little caveat there.

Uh, we can't get close or he'll put our domes

through the brain-washing spin cycle.

I know. He did the same thing

to Clayface and King Shark.

The second they... Sy.

Sigh is right.

For my lady love hath been led astray.

Not "sigh," dummy. Sy. Sy Borgman.

Sy wasn't affected by Psycho's mind control.

He was immune.

What the hell made you so special, Sy?

Zombie eye, zombie eye!

Wait, wait! My kite senses are fluttering.

It's Morse Code!

-You know Morse Code? -Of course!

Sailors and kiters use signal lamps

to transmit Morse Code without being detected.

I still sometimes can't get over the fact

Ivy has sex with you.

Oh, she does.

Look, the eye is saying...

Plug... me... in.

What does it mean?

Ta-da!

Oh, well, okay, right.

Sy, you're a zombie robot ghost!

N-n-n-none, none of the above, baby!

I just got a classic case of

the human consciousness- transferred-into- the-machine-itis.

There was a whole chapter on it

in my robot b-b-b-body handbook I didn't read.

Sy, we don't have a lot of time.

Listen, why weren't you affected

by Psycho's mind control?

Because the C-C-C-Commies!

CIA wanted to make sure the Ruskies didn't flip me

into a Manchurian candidate

and/or president of the United States.

They used cutting-edge t-t-technology

to create an anti-mind control device

and jammed it in my n-n-n-noggin.

Can you tell us how to make that device?

Sure! Easy-p-p-peasy on my metal neezy.

-Oh, thank God! -We're coming, Ivy.

All you need is magnetic coating

-from a floppy disk... -Huh.

- The photodiodes of a VHS tape...

And an 8-track recording of The Monkees' D-D-D-Daydream Believer.

Say we couldn't get those things...

Well, then, it's gonna take a little elbow grease.

Oh, my God! Superman's gonna kill Ivy!

Wasn't he trapped in a book?

- Who let Superman out of the book?

Are you sure you've got this?

I mean, there's still time to flee.

You've seen these calves.

Stop showing me your weird turkey leg calves.

I'm not gonna fuck you.

If you wanna go, go.

But don't show up tomorrow when this is over

and still expect me to let you rule Scandinavia.

I know you got a type.

Fine, fine, I'll stay.

Ah! It's just so pretty there.

Everything looks like a fairy tale.

- Mmm. - Ow! God!

Ivy, stand down.

Still got it, baby.

Hey...

I know I'm more of a wordplay guy,

but, mathematically, I don't like your odds.

Don't get your onesie in a wad.

I got a couple of things up my sleeve.

Two very short arms?

God damn it, I was trying to think

of a really cool Wesley Snipes-style one liner

and you had to go--

Wesley Snipes?

When's the last time you saw a fucking movie?

Poison Ivy, we know that you're under Dr. Psycho's mind control.

So I give you this warning. I, Kal-El, do say--

We don't want to have to take you out

but if you don't give us another option, we will.

That's what he was getting to.

Don't worry, the shark hates violence

and the lump of clay is harmless.

Blood!

Okay, I did not, uh... yeah.

Uh. Come on, come on!

I'm Kite Man! Not Soldering Man!

I know Soldering Man, but he's in Milwaukee.

No, I said connect the thingamajig

to the w-w-what's-ya-call-it, not the whose-it-what's-it!

I don't know how to do this!

Kites are electricity-free. I went to Oberlin!

Well, unless you figure it out,

the person I love

-is gonna die! -What?

As a friend. The friend I love,

as a friend, is gonna die!

Okay, 'cause that sounded intense.

I'm Harley Quinn, I'm impetuous, I kiss people. Muah!