The Office

It's kind of blurry.

That's better.

Question, what kind of bear is best?

That's a ridiculous question. False. Black bear.

Well, that's debatable.

There are basically two schools of thought.

Fact, bears eat beets. Oh...

Bears, beets,

Battlestar Galactica. Bears do not...

What is going on? What are you doing?

Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses.

Four dollars.

And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble

and that's a grand total of

$1 1.

You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

So I thank you.

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!

Millions of families suffer every year!

Michael!

Oh, that's funny. Michael!

Yes, I understand.

Can I transfer you to customer relations?

Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this...

I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of it.

Yes, I'm upset. Don't I sound upset?

Okay.

It is disgusting. I totally agree.

Well, we're going to be recalling all of that paper.

We have a crisis.

Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill

decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark

on our 24-pound cream letter stock.

Five-hundred boxes has gone out

with the image of a beloved cartoon duck

performing unspeakable acts

upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like.

I've never been a fan.

Everybody in here, stat.

No time to lose.

Cri-man squa, F and C, double-time.

"Cri-man squa"?

Crisis management squad. "F and C, double-time"?

Front and center. Twice as fast as you would normally go.

Any other questions?

One more. Why are you talking like that?

To save time, Jim.

Actually, I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.

Yeah, she has a good point.

I mean, for example, with the last thing you said,

by the time you explained it... Okay, okay, okay...

...it actually took up more time. You know what?

Forget it! Where is Creed?

Creed. Here.

Quality assurance. Your job.

I really think you screwed the pooch on this one, Creed.

Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.

Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check

at the paper mill.

And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight.

Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.

That's not really our job. Midnight, Oscar!

Don't worry. Kelly will be training you first.

Kelly's training us?

This day is bananas B- A-N-A-N-A-S

This day is bananas

B- A-N-A...

I don't have a headache.

I'm just preparing.

Jim. Big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High School,

sent out their prom invitations on this paper.

Went home to all the kids. Yeah, I got a call in already.

No, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account.

I want you in the school in person.

All right.

I want you to bring a partner. I'll go.

No, sweet cheeks.

We need somebody who's actually made a sale.

Andy, you go.

William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.

No! No! I need two men on this!

That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time! Guys!

Get on this! Dwight,

I want you to be in charge of the press conference.

Yes! You are entering the no-spin zone!

We're having a press conference? No, Pam.

The press is just going to find out by themselves.

Not.

Here's the thing, when a company screws up,

best thing to do is call a press conference.

Alert the media and then you control the story.

Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you.

That's what happened to O.J.

I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients,

to come in here and meet with me for a personal apology.

The press wants a story? I will give them a story.

Oh, did the press ask for a story?

Here is your headline,

"Scranton Area Paper Company"

"Dunder Mifflin Apologizes to Valued Client."

"Some Companies Still Know How Business is Done."

Okay?

Battle stations, everybody! Let's go! Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Yes. Hello. Creed Bratton, quality assurance, Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.

I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week

for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there,

and I'm trying to remember who it was.

Who wasn't there last week?

Debbie Brown. And which day was that?

Wednesday the 1 1th. Perfect.

The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job.

I will do whatever it takes to survive.

Like I did when I was a homeless man.

Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants

is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what?

From now on, you guys are no longer losers.

So give yourselves a round of applause.

I wonder how many phone calls you're missing

while you're teaching us to answer calls.

I know, right? Probably a lot.

Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?

Okay, Angela, I love your enthusiasm!

All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say,

"Customer service, this is Kelly." Except don't say, "Kelly."

Say your own name.

Or if you're bored, you could just make up a name.

Like, one time, I said I was Bridget Jones

And I talked like this for the whole conversation.

Oh! Can I be Australian, mate?

Absolutely!

Hello, mate!

I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend.

I like ice cream, too, mate!

Alligators. Dingo babies.

Beer me.

What's that?

Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me."

Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.

So how's what's her name?

You know her name.

Who? Karen? Yeah. She's only one of my oldest friends.

How's the apartment hanging?

It's fine.

Nice.

Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right?

Today was supposed to be really cold I bet.

What about music?

You have any music?

Yeah, you should have said so.

Give me the beat boys and free my soul

I want to get lost in your rock and roll and drift away

Give me the beat boys and free my little ol' soul

I was thinking more like a CD or... A CD?

Your call, dude. My girlfriend made me an awesome mix.

Beer me that disc.

Lord, beer me strength.

So, Tuna, when we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?

Did that really need to be said?

Well, not everything a guy says needs to be said.

Sometimes it's just about the music of a conversation.

What the...

Why is my girlfriend here?

Oh, she that teacher in the white?

No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.

Which one is she?

The one in the green hoodie.

Wow.

I wonder if she's like a guidance counselor or something.

No. I don't think so.

She's, like, probably a tutor... Nope.

She probably teaches... No.

There's no...

Okay, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.

On it.

Okay, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage.

Pam, run a comb through your hair.

First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top.

The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow.

"I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.

Hey. Look sharp. Hey. Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute.

Hi. And you must be

from the Washington Post. Scranton Times.

Chad Lite, Lighter Side of Life.

And breaking corporate news.

And obits.

Oh, dear God.

Okay. Here are your credentials.

You've been granted level three security clearance.

Don't get too excited. That's out of 20. Right this way.

Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client

in the pressroom shortly.

Have a seat.

Can I get you a beverage? Yeah, I'd like a...

Great.

Oh.

Andy, you know what?

We don't have a lot of time, so we should probably...

Jamie! Andy... Oh...