Victor/Victoria

CAB FARE, RICHARD?

NO. I'VE GOT TO PAY SOME BILLS.

WELL, AT LEAST LEAVE ME ENOUGH FOR BREAKFAST.

WHY, TODDY,

ONE WOULD SUSPECT YOU THINK I'M MERCENARY.

TRY "UNSCRUPULOUS."

YOU GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH.

I'D SAY WE BOTH GET MYMONEY'S WORTH.

LOOK, TODDY,

IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH THE ARRANGEMENT...

AS A MATTER OF RECORD, I'M NOT.

BUT TO QUOTE THE IMMORTAL BARD,

LOVE LOOKS NOT WITH THE EYES,

BUT WITH THE MIND.

THEREFORE IS WINGED CUPID PAINTED BLIND.

HAVE A NICE DAY, TODDY.

I'LL DO MY DAMNEDEST.

AS YOU CAN TELL, MONSIEUR LABISSE,

I HAVE A LEGITIMATE VOICE.

YES, WELL, YOU SEE, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

A LITTLE MORE ILLEGITIMATE.

OH, I'M SURE THAT WITH A LITTLE PRACTICE--

LADY...

THAT IS LIKE A NUN SAYING,

WITH A LITTLE PRACTICE,

SHE COULD BECOME A STREETWALKER.

AH. IT HAS TO COME NATURALLY.

RIGHT.

IN SOME PROFESSIONS, PRACTICE IS A MINOR CONSIDERATION.

STICK TOCARMEN.

I AM A COLORATURA, MONSIEUR LABISSE,

NOT A MEZZO.

WELL, WHATEVER YOU ARE,

ANDRE CASSELL SHOULD NEVER HAVE SENT YOU OVER HERE.

HE DIDN'T.

YOU TOLD ME HE WAS YOUR AGENT.

I LIED.

THANK YOU.

AND IN SPITE OF WHAT YOU THINK, MONSIEUR LABISSE,

THERE ARE SOME PROFESSIONS

WHERE PRACTICE DOES MAKE PERFECT.

WHAT IN HELL WAS THAT?

B FLAT.

MONSIEUR LE DIRECTEUR, SHE'S BACK.

WHAT?

HEY!

MISS GRANT.

YOU, UH, YOU OWE ME 2 WEEKS.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

YOU PROMISED TO PAY ME ON TUESDAY,

THEN ON WEDNESDAY,

THEN ON THURSDAY, AND...

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT?

SPAGHETTI?

YES.

WITH MEATBALLS.

OH. I'LL SLEEP WITH YOU FOR A MEATBALL.

YOU WOULD?

MISSED YOUR CHANCE.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.

I'VE BEEN IN THE HOTEL BUSINESS FOR 20 YEARS.

I KNOW ALL THE ANGLES.

COME ON, GET UP. GET UP.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'VE GOT THE BUBONIC PLAGUE.

IF YOU CAN'T PAY YOUR RENT,

I'LL CONFISCATE YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS,

AND I'LL EVICT YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU MADE A CERTAIN OFFER TO ME

WHICH I COULD NOT REFUSE,

AND THEN YOU PRETENDED TO FAINT.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. I NEVER PRETEND TO FAINT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I AM HELPING YOU TO STAND UP.

THAT'S FUNNY. I THOUGHT I WAS STANDING.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO LIE DOWN.

YOU'RE CONFUSING ME.

I'M SURE WE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE RENT.

WHATEVER YOU MAY THINK,

I AM NOT AN UNGENEROUS MAN.

AAH!

AAH! WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

THERE!

WHERE?

WHAT? THERE!

A COCKROACH!

OH! OH!

WHY, YOU...

AAH! I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T STAND COCKROACHES.

AH, YES, ESPECIALLY IN A HOTEL ROOM, EH?

ANYWHERE.

AND YOU WON'T TELL THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH

IF I FORGET YOUR RENT, EH?

I TELL YOU ONCE MORE, I'M GETTING MY MONEY.

AND JUST IN CASE

YOU THOUGHT OF LEAVING US DURING THE NIGHT...

OH, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.

PLEASE. OH!

I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I'M DREAMING.

IT IS.

NOTTHATGAY.

C'EST LA VIE.

Richard: THAT'S TODDY WARBLING AGAIN.

Man: HEY, WAITER!

Man: HOW BORING.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. YOU'RE MOST KIND.

IN FACT, YOU'RE EVERY KIND.

I SEE WE HAVE A CELEBRITY

MISS SIMONE KALLISTO,

STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN, AND AN OCCASIONAL CIRCUS.

TAKE A BOW, DARLING.

UP YOURS,CH￩RI.

AND SPEAKING OF THE CIRCUS,

AREN'T YOU RICHARD DiNARDO,

THE WELL-KNOWN TRAPEZE ARTIST?

CAREFUL, TODDY.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY FUNNY, YOU KNOW,

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST PISS OFF?

AND YOU, YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF,

BRINGING YOUR SWEET OLD MOTHER

INTO A PLACE LIKE THIS.

Toddy: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOU HAVE A DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE COMING TO YOU--

NO! NO!

PLEASE!

THANK YOU.

BUT NOBODY WAS SERIOUSLY HURT.

THAT'S WHY I'M ONLY CLOSING YOU FOR A WEEK.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WILL LOSE IN ONE WEEK?

A QUARTER OF WHAT YOU'LL LOSE IN A MONTH

IF THERE IS ANY MORE TROUBLE.

BAH!

YOU'RE FIRED.

I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

YOUCAN'T AFFORD IT? WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT ALL THIS?

MORE ICE.

YOU COULD TAKE IT OUT OF MY SALARY.

TODDY! GET OUT!

ALL RIGHT.

AND DON'T COME BACK!

IF YOU EVER SET FOOT IN THIS PLACE AGAIN,

I WILL HAVE YOU THROWN OUT.

DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE SUCH A THREAT.

BEING THROWN OUT OF THIS PLACE

IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER

THAN BEING THROWN OUT OF A LEPER COLONY.

OUT!

THANK YOU.