$#*! My Dad Says

- Are they done? - I think they're done.

Hey, get away from there.

Those are muffins, not Girls Gone Wild.

Staring at them is not gonna get them

to lift up their shirts and go, "Whoo!"

Yes, they're ready!

Whoo!

- Isn't that hot? - So hot.

Bonnie, have one.

Oh, my God. They're delicious.

Is that the most delicious corn muffin you've ever had?

Ed, what is your secret?

I lost my virginity to my second cousin, Sheila.

Not the... Yuck! No, not that secret.

How can something so bitter

make something so sweet?

I grow my own corn.

The stalks are almost touching the roofline.

Drives my neighbor crazy.

You know, I may be a romantic,

but I think her hatred makes the corn

taste that much sweeter.

It's also the amount of manure I use.

My soil is so full of crap

it could start its own ministry.

I'm dumping another batch tomorrow.

Oh, um, do you think you can do that in the afternoon?

I'm interviewing someone here tomorrow.

Don't you have an office?

Yes, but I'm interviewing this local TV news anchor

about how the news has basically become a tabloid.

She wants to speak to me off the record.

I am sworn to secrecy.

- Who is I? - Soledad Cho.

Damn it.

Um, KPIL action news team anchor Soledad Cho?

She... she's coming here?

Why is he so excited? Is she made of frosting?

No, no.

She's on his list.

Of people to eat?

The list.

You know, the list you make when you get married

of celebrities you're allowed to sleep with

if you had the chance.

Soledad makes the news so sexy.

You know, I love the way she says, "this just in."

Who else is on your list?

- Jennifer Aniston. - Mm-hmm.

She's on mine too.

Dad, you got another letter

from the Homeowners' Association

about the height of your corn.

Ooh, this looks serious.

I better do something about this right away.

Oh, I feel so much better.

That was really hanging over my head.

Ed, as a real estate agent I should advise you

not to make enemies with the Homeowners' Association.

It's not the Homeowners' Association.

It's one overstressed, undersexed lonely woman

with a frown on her face and a stick up her ass.

I believe those are the exact same words

you used to describe Dora the explorer.

Why does Dora have to go everywhere?

And what the hell is in her backpack?

Hi, Ed.

Rosemary Pernworth,

vice president of the Fleetridge Homeowners' Association.

I know when I come here as a neighbor

you slam the door on me.

So I thought if I came on official business...

Was that her?

Wasn't Dora the freakin' explorer.

Hey, what happened to Rosemary's husband?

Died five years ago.

Massive stroke in the supermarket.

I'd have chosen divorce,

but hey, we all have our own thing, huh?

Well, I don't think she's gonna stop ringing the bell

until you talk to her.

What do you know?

Aren't you Rosemary Pernworth,

vice president of the Fleetridge Homeowners' Association?

Hilarious.

You know, Ed, let's just say for the sake of argument

that you did not receive any of the six letters I sent you

or the numerous phone messages I left

or that you weren't at home yesterday

when I knocked on the door and you mooned me

through the curtains.

No, I'm here in person to inform you

that your corn has grown well above my fence line

in clear violation of the Homeowner Association rules.

Oh, well, you know what they say.

The bigger the stalk, the sweeter the corn.

I see what you're doing.

You're using corn as a double entendre for penis.

Do you think that offends me?

See, I saw the original production of hair,

and I've read everything that Erica Jong ever wrote.

You cannot shock me. Your corn is coming down.

I'm going another way.

So how did you know you wanted to be a TV reporter?

From a very early age,

people told me I was well-suited for the job.

And it wasn't long before this reporter

came to the very same conclusion.

Back to you, Henry.

You actually talk like...

Yeah, you do.

Your name, Soledad Cho.

I mean, you don't really seem like a "Soledad"

or a "Cho" for that matter.

My real name is Janet Steele.

But my agents and I felt I needed something more ethnic,

and since "Geraldo Rivera" was already taken,

I went with "Soledad Cho."

That was a joke.

- Henry. - Yeah?

And how's that working out for you?

We'll find out...

After this.

I'm gonna get a recorder.

I'll be right back.

Henry, have you seen my pile of sophisticated newsmagazines

that I read every day?

Gonna read them at my "mency's" meeting.

Soledad Cho?

What are you doing here?

Do I know you?

No, no, but I know you.

Actually, I'm a real big fan.

I'm Vince, by the way.

Good evening.

I'm Soledad Cho.

Oh, you know, it's actually really funny you're here

because... You know what, never mind.

Mmm, it sounds like there's more to that story.

Uh, well, it, um... This is sort of embarrassing.

Erh, I shouldn't say this.

Okay, me and my wife Bonnie, we have a list of celebrities

that we'd be allowed to, you know.

Yes?

Sleep with if we ever had the chance.

And?

And, well, it's just that, um,

you're... you're on my list.

I'm on a celebrity sex list?

Yeah.

Let me get this straight.

You come in here, you just met me,

and you tell me...

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.

That you consider me a celebrity?

Well, yeah.

No one's ever called me

a celebrity.

I'm in.

Oh, hi, Ed.

I know this is private property, but this is official business.

I'm Rosemary Pernworth,

vice president of the Fleetridge Homeowners' Association.

Rosemary Pernworth,

meet Mr. Hose.

You're threatening me with your garden hose?

Who said anything about a garden hose?

Hilarious.

As I said before, you can't shock me.

I know vulgarity is your weapon.

No, garden hose is my weapon.

Vulgarity is my sidekick.

Why are you walking funny?

I have a Morton's neuroma.

It's a swollen nerve in my foot.

Makes me limp.

That makes two of us.

Bravo, you're an 11-year-old.

I'm not here to trade pee-pee jokes with you.

I'm just here to measure your corn

so I can file an official complaint with the city

and have them come and force you to cut it down.

I got a better idea. Why don't you get a life?

Why don't I get a life?

At least I do something constructive with my time.

I'm trying to improve the neighborhood.

All you do is go around dumping garbage

and growing your corn like it's freakin' Kansas.

And here's an idea.

The next time you vacuum your living room

wearing nothing but a fishing vest,

why don't you pull down your blinds?

For your information, I also wear socks,

but thank you for watching.

You know, Rosemary, when Joe was alive

you were merely annoying.

Now you've become unbearable.

You've always been unbearable, Ed.

You may have been able to bully three wives out of your life,

but I'm not going anywhere.