American Dad!

Previously on American Dad...

Good evening, Tearjerker.

Smith, Stan Smith.

Didn't really ask who you were, but okay.

Hello again, Mr. Smith.

Will you marry me?

Face it, Tearjerker.

You've jerked your last tear.

I'll be back, Mr. Smith.

Oh, Stan, this vacation cottage is wonderful!

Only the best for my former whore of a new bride.

Yello?

Agent Smith, the world needs your help again.

There's a new villain who...

Sir, I'm on my honeymoon.

But, Stan...

Want me to go downtown?

All the way downtown,

to the worst neighborhood on my body.

I could suck your toes all day.

I love you, Stan Smith.

I love you, Sexpun Tocome Smith.

You've made me the happiest man in the world.

Hello, Stan Smith.

Who are you?!

Black Villain.

I've never heard of you.

Uh, because I'm up-and-coming.

But I'm gonna make a name for myself by killing you!

Oh, damn.

You killed my wife!

You look ridiculous.

You wouldn't be using my hammer,

would you, Murphy?

Oh, and what if I was, brother Cillian?

I suppose I'd have to do something 'bout it.

Oh, and pray tell, what would that be?

Come on, guys, break it up.

Shut up, apprentice!

Me hammer!

There you are, Smith.

We've been looking for you.

Did you ever think that I didn't want to be found?

We need you back, Smith.

Something big and bad is about to happen,

and I want my best man on it.

I'm out of the spy business, sir.

That all died when Sexpun did.

What if I told you that you could catch the man

who killed your wife?

Black Villain?

That's right.

He's resurfaced.

The memories are so fresh and clear.

It was after that

that I started working with those Irish roofers.

And then you came here and asked me

if I wanted to catch Black Villain.

And then I said yes.

Wait, wait-- did you say yes?

Is this now or is this you remembering?

How do I know I'm not a memory?!

I need to know what's real!

Relax, sir. I'm in.

All the way in.

Or as much of me as you can handle.

Sassy.

Peacenickel, how am I to know if my strikes are effective

if you keep blocking them?

Hah!

Ah, Smith, welcome.

That'll be all, Peacenickel.

Dude.

Here's the intel we have so far on Black Villain.

He's as evil as he is frugal.

He would've conquered the world long ago

if he could've figured out how to do it at a reasonable cost.

Now it appears he's found a way.

We have reason to believe that he's planning

a massive attack on the Eastern seaboard.

Nukes? We're not sure.

What we do know is that he's stolen

millions of pounds of sand.

He's also acquired a crap-load of hair dryers.

Hair dryers? Yes.

The cheap bastard issued a fake recall to every salon

in the U.S., saying hair dryers would make you heterosexual.

They came flooding in.

What is that monster up to?

That's what you need to find out.

Which is why you'll be partnered with someone

who also wants revenge on Black Villain:

Tearjerker.

Tearjerker?! But he's dead!

Why would you think that?

Because he fell in a volcano.

As long as you fall the right way,

a volcano can never hurt you.

Everyone knows that, even babies.

Right?

I... I didn't know that.

After Tearjerker escaped the volcano,

he partnered up with Black Villain,

only to have Black Villain immediately double-cross him.

That's how Tearjerker ended up

in a maximum-security prison on Easter Island.

So you'll have to break him out.

How? That prison is impenetrable.

We'll get you in,

but you'll need this sandwich to get him out.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Just get Tearjerker to eat it. I'll do the rest.

All right, Smith, off you go.

Make sure you check in as soon as you...

Capital thrust, Peacenickel.

That went clean through my abdomen.

Smith, take our picture.

Quickly now, before I lose my erection.

You got a visitor, Tearjerker.

Are they hot or not?

Hot!

Phillip, you think everyone's hot.

Name one person you don't think is hot.

Ha! See? You can't do it!

Hello, Tearjerker.

Stan Smith.

You got some set of marbles coming to see me.

I need your help.

You need my help?

I'll never help you.

I'm going after Black Villain.

I will help you. Okay, then.

First thing we need to do is get you out of here.

Good luck. This place is locked down tighter than

a friendship bracelet around your mom's fat-ass wrist.

Ha, just kidding, your mom has no friends!

Ho-ho!

Now eat this.

Why?

Just do it.

You haven't said a thing about my paintings.

Aside from the Havarti cheese, this sandwich was a total bust.

I guess that was a magnet sandwich.

Looks like we're partners now.

Yeah, you and me, we're gonna take Black Villain down!

Ow! What are you doing?!

We're on the same side now!

Oh, right. Partners.

Yes, right.

That... that will take some getting used to.

If we want to catch Black Villain,

we have to find his top henchman, Tchochke Schmear.

He has a booth here every other Sunday.

Wait, I thought Tchochke was your henchman.

He was.

But then I went to jail,

and I guess he didn't want to wait for me.

Some henchmen just can't do the "alone" thing.

I get it. Whatever.

I mean, it hurts and it makes no sense to me

and it never will, but I get it.

Just one of those things I'll never get, you know.

Yeah.

Ooh! Should I buy this?

This old picture of this guy?

Wh-Why would I buy this?

Talk me out of buying this. I'm buying this.

You know, you never said

how Black Villain double-crossed you.

You know how Tommy Bahama's is the best store?

Well, we were gonna open a competing place

called Johnny Cabo.

But instead, Black Villain shot me in the face

and turned me in for molesting my high school gym teacher.

That's right.

I flipped it on him.

Every ceramic frog is $80.

How about this one?

Tchochke Schmear.

Well, well, if it isn't Tearjerker.

With Stan Smith.

So, you two are working together?

What's next?

Janeane Garofalo hanging out with commercial success?

That was a '90s slam!

Tell us where Black Villain is!

I'm not telling you anything!

I'll save you, Tchochke!

Tearjerker! Same side!

Right, right. Damn it.

Sorry.

All right, all right, I'll tell you.

The thing you don't know

about Black Villain's whereabouts that I do is...

Looks like we're going to Detroit.

It's been two hours.

Why don't we just ask them about the woman who shot Tchochke?

Because you don't just walk into a place like this

and start asking questions.

You got to play it cool.