This Is My Life

I just want to say that this is not a story

about my mother and how she got famous.

It's a story about me.

My name is Erica Ingels. I have a sister, Opal.

Okay. It's about my sister, too.

I'm almost ready.

Okay. It's about my mother too, but not completely.

This is my life.

Okay. So this time, you be Ed, I'll be Johnny.

I was Ed McMahon the last time.

You were not.

- Was to. - Was not!

-Erica. -You're always on Opal's side.

You're probably wondering how all this happened to me.

Well, I was living in Queens with my two girls

and we were all crammed into this unbelievably small house

with my aunt Harriet. How small was it?

It was so small that when you brushed your teeth,

you couldn't brush sideways. Anyway, there I was.

We are talking total obscurity here.

Of course now and then I was on the Johnny Carson show.

And now, live from Hollywood, California, The Tonight Show

starring Johnny Carson. And now, heeeere's Johnny!

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight we welcome back one of our tonight show regulars

who's become incredibly popular since her first appearance here.

Let us welcome her now, Dottie Ingels!

That's what I did at night.

In the day, I was also on television.

Thank you, Mimmie. I know you're gonna be happy.

My name is Dottie. I hope you come back to see me.

- You look beautiful. - Don't laugh.

This is my life.

A woman is passing me by. Excuse me, sweetheart,

in the beige blazer. What's your name?

-Joanne. -Joanne.

I just wanna ask you a quick question?

Joanne, are you married? Oh, dear.

Single but with married skin. We know what married skin is,

-don't we? -Oh, don't we?

Have I got something for you. Do you know what this is?

This is anti-aging placenta extract.

- Placenta? - We do not talk

about whose placenta or what placenta.

But trust me, Evelyn,

this is probably a Jewish placenta.

A Jewish sheep's placenta that is.

As she's applying the lengthener...

Can you see that? You know what's happening?

-Men are gathering. -Really?

-They are? -Like oxen to the watering hole.

This is the very latest development for making sure

that no one can guess that you, Evelyn, could possibly have

a daughter at the advanced age of, what are you sweetheart, 35?

Thirty-two.

She could be 32.

It's the sun, right darling? It kills the skin.

-Don't go to Florida anymore. -I don't need a tan.

I was reading this article,

"What Do Men Really Want In A Woman?"

What do they want? What?

-The number one response? -Yeah.

-Long eyelashes. -No. Shut up!

You think I'm kidding? What's your name?

If you're tired and feeling droopy,

settle down and just relax,

put your feet up on the bathtub.

Use exfoliating wax.

You know, sweetheart, you have a tiny red spot right here.

I'm sure it's nerves. But I have something else for you

in case it spreads over your entire body.

Trust me, when I say bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, Jessica,

you are no longer a pumpkin, you are a coach.

Jason Finkelman is gonna take one look at your eyes

and forget about Valerie Novak.

Am I exaggerating? No, I am not exaggerating.

Am I Erica? Never mind.

-If she wore a little makeup... -I am never,

-ever wearing makeup. -...her eyes wouldn't look so beady.

Lay off your sister, Opal. Erica is just like me.

Eventually, she's going to come into her own just like I did.

I was 14 years old--

Don't chew your hair, sweetheart.

I was sent off to camp...

Raise your hand if you've heard this story before.

Everyone else spent the summer doing archery.

I spent the summer looking in the mirror.

And I realized,

"This is it, you'd better make the best of it."

And ever since, I have made the best of it.

With only a brief detour into total folly...

But let's leave your father out of this.

The point is, Erica,

you're never going to be a conventional beauty.

But you are going to be special. I personally guarantee it.

I thought you already read that book?

She's read it six times.

Opal, please, would you get off your sister's back?

- Who is it? - The VCR repair man, thank God.

Well, you be careful with him. He steps one foot in the door,

-it's a $32 minimum. -I can't live without the VCR

working. I have to tape other people's acts.

I have to study timing. Delivery. Besides,

it's a business expense. I can deduct it.

From what?

-It's fate. Totally fate. -I don't see that.

The VCR could have broken at any time.

-When does it break? Thursday. -So?

The day before the VCR repairman is going to see

his first cousin, an agent, so he can tell him about me,

who he didn't even know the day before.

- What's an agent? - Well, you know how

- a robber cracks open a safe? - Mm-hmm.

Well, an agent is someone who cracks open your career.

So, who else is he an agent for?

Oh, many Jackies you never even heard of.

-So why is he seeing you? -'Cause his cousin asked him to.

This is important. Listen carefully, girls.

This is a life lesson. Everyone in the world

is only two phone calls away from everyone else in the world.

You just have to know who the phone calls are.

Please, please don't do this to me. Start.

Right. Like I'm only

two phone calls away from J.D. Salinger.

Oh, I'm sure you are.

Mom, I don't even think he has a phone.

Of course he has a phone. He dates.

He's laughing. That's good, isn't it?

Maybe he's just polite.

You know, just because your kids think you're funny doesn't mean you are.

-Thanks for coming in. -Well, thanks for your time.

You bet.

-Is he gonna be your agent? -Some day.

Someday, he's going to beg to be my agent.

-I knew it. -But he was laughing.

Suppose Dad sees Mom on TV?

I don't think we have to worry about that just yet, Opal.

Okay, but if she gets an agent and gets famous,

and becomes a guest star on something.

Like suppose he's sitting home one day watching

the $25,000 Pyramid show and suddenly sees Mom?

And suddenly remembers he has children?

-And comes to see us. -I don't think so, Opal.

I can hardly remember him.

I know.

Some days I scrunch up my eyes

and I can't even get his face to float into my brain pan.

There's just this big blank screen.

Darlings, just forget about him. Your mother's the one

who keeps this whole kit and caboodle together.

Your mother works her fingers to the bone all week long.

We know. We know.

But what was he like? I don't want to know him again,

but aren't there things we should know?

Like what?

Like, did anyone in his family have diabetes or anything?

I have no idea. How should I know?

Yes, there is diabetes. No, there isn't diabetes.

What difference is it?

It was a mistake for your mother to marry him.

She only married him to prove she could get somebody to marry her.

-Who was she proving it to? -Her mother.

-Her mother was dead. -Only in the technical sense.

Your mother and father had a fight

at their own wedding reception.

Aside from that, it was a lovely party.

Fifteen dollars per person, but worth considerably more.

All they ever did was fight.

-Fishka fishka foon. -What?

Fishka fishka foon. That's what Opal and I used to say so

-we wouldn't hear them fighting. -I don't remember that.

Fishka fishka foon, fishka fishka foon, fishka fishka...

-Erica! -Fishka fishka--

Erica! Now, listen to me.

You girls are the only good thing

to come from that marriage.

Now, come here, Madam Fifi.

Hmm-hmm. Salty kiss.

And you, my tchotchkkela.

Oooo!

Now, go to sleep.

Good night.

He hated carpeting.

He did?

I don't know why I remember that.

The mind is a very weird thing, Opal.

There was this dog that lived across the street

named Triscuit. And you used to think

that boys' penises look like Triscuit's penis.

Kind of like a Crayola, but retractable.

-I never thought that. -Yes, you did.

-I didn't. -Yes, you did.

-I did not. -Good night, Opal.

I didn't think that. I did not think that.

I know I didn't think that.

Anyway, that's the way it was before.

We were a normal family in our own peculiar way.

Hello.

- And then, just like that... - What?

...Aunt Harriet died.