If You Were the Last

[Om Alec Khaoli's "Say You Love Me"]

* *

It was irresponsible.

- Irresponsible? - Absolutely.

They spent what?

A trillion dollars plus countless man hours,

not to mention political capital,

trying to get one dude back from Mars.

- Political capital? It united the world.

- Yeah, for a hot second, but what if they failed?

Everyone would have been like, um, excuse me,

you know there are people dying here, right?

- People are always dying on Earth.

You can't change that.

But if you get the opportunity to bring back Matt Damon--

No, screw Matt Damon.

That's just harsh.

- Dude, it costs an average of $1,200 to save a life.

12--what?

- When you give money to charity--

the ones that are actually gonna save lives

are the ones that clean water and give out

medicine and stuff, right?

- Matt Damon's charity literally cleans water.

- So when you factor in administrative costs,

and how many people would actually die without help,

that works out to 1,200 bucks per life.

- Okay, so what you're saying is, you take a trillion

and divided by 1,200 and you can save

833 million people's lives on Earth?

- You just do that math right now?

I'm wicked smart.

- I know, it's just, you look like so dumb.

Okay.

Checkmate.

- Dang. - Boom.

Okay.

* *

You really don't think

they're sending anybody to save us?

I mean...

I'm sure they're doing what they can.

Within reason.

Benson would probably take your side.

- Yeah, well, Benson went crazy.

- Play again? - You wanna lose again?

- I just don't think we should wait around

to be saved, you know?

We gotta save ourselves.

- Or accept the inevitability of our fates.

One of the two.

Two of the three.

- Three of the four. - Comme ci, comme ça.

* Girl, it feels so good *

* To know you're mine *

* *

* You've got the love that keeps me going *

* Forever and ever *

* You've got the love *

* You've got the love that keeps me going *

* Forever and ever *

* *

- Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

You might as well give up now. I'm clearly dominating you.

I'll dominate your face!

* *

Yes.

Wait, two?

Don't you only have, like, ten left?

Yeah, I know, but...

my blueberry and marijuana hybrid won't flower,

so blowing off some steam.

Well, go nuts, kid.

But don't pop and drive.

Pew.

* *

Morning.

Your mama called!

She said she doesn't miss you and you're gonna lose.

Oh. Your mama called.

And she said she's your sister,

you smell like poop, and you're gonna lose.

My mom is my sister?

* *

- Come on, we gon' watch a movie.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

- Okay. - Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- "Die Hard." - "Casablanca."

- "Die Hard." - "Casablanca." Come on.

"Casablanca" is the best love story ever.

Blargh.

I want Hans Gruber.

Why would you do that?

- Hans Gruber.

Okay.

"Sense and Sensibility."

It's Hans Gruber in a love story.

Come on.

- Okay. - Boom. Look at that.

Get comfortable. This is kinda great.

* *

Hey, girl.

Error. Comms fail.

Please contact your nearest NASA representative.

Hello.

Earth?

[Frank McComb's "White Line in the Sky"]

It's your girl DJ J-J-Jane.

Coming to you live from outer space.

And we've got a sick lineup for you all,

so buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Navigation failed.

* I wanna be *

* As free as that white line in the sky *

* You can stay *

* In these last evil days if you want to *

You ready?

Dur.

Well, have you tried the raspberries or the blackberry?

Yes, I've tried everything.

But the blueberry is the one that's most genetically in line

with the marijuana plant, so it should work.

Well, I believe in you.

You'll figure it out.

Thanks, Mom.

- All right. What's the verdict?

Oh, you're gonna see.

Oh, no.

No, not the cowboy hat.

Can you at least play Dolly?

Not gonna happen.

- When you played Bieber, I didn't say anything.

It's my turn, and I wanna two-step.

We can two-step, that is fine,

but could we do it to something less soul suckingly awful?

- No. - Please?

Come on, I'm sure you have something in there

that's actually good.

Okay.

[Stirling March's "Under Cover Lover"]

Oh.

Ooh.

- Yeah.

Oh. - Now you go forward.

Bring it back.

Then it's one, two, three, jump rope.

- That's cute. - Then you turn.

- You did this lots, right? - Yeah.

One, two, three, then you jump.

Hey. - Okay, okay.

- Turn. Oh. - Oh.

Okay.

both: Oh!

- Uh, uh, uh, ah! - Hey.

Ha, ha, ha, turn.

* An old-fashioned girl *

* But her style was hard to beat *

Hey! Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Clap. Oh, oh, oh, bang!

Give me that snake.

both: Oh. Oh.

- Pause. Get it. Get it. -

Whoo! Ah.

There it is. There it is.

Go back, go back.

* Under cover lover, baby *

Mm. Mm.

Oh. - Oh, we're turning.

Mm. Mm.

So...

I need to call you out on something.

Okay.

- I was walking through the greenhouse this morning,

and I stepped in some milky goop.

- Oh. My bad.

- Dude. - What?

I thought I cleaned it all up.

That's where our food grows.

That's where the girls sleep.

Oh, my God, were they... Watching you?

They're chickens.

- Ew. - All right.

That's enough slut shaming.

I am not shaming you.

Masturbation is, like, super healthy.

But I keep it in my room because I'm not a dirty ho.

Dirty ho?

Maybe we should do it.

Do what?

It.

- What? - What?

What? I'm serious.

Oh, man. He's lost it.

- Look, in case you haven't noticed,

we're doomed to spend the rest of our miserable lives