3rd Rock from the Sun

Is it cable yet? Hey, hey, is it cable?

- You're wired. - Oh!

This is the second most exciting thing

I have ever held in my hand.

Harry, you ready to go?

Dick, we've got cable, 72 channels,

and, unlike primitive free television,

- this one you get to pay for. - Oh! That's nice.

- Sally, are you finished in the bathroom yet? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You live in an attic? You're poor?

That's so cool.

- Thanks. - Hi!

- Who's that? - This is Cheryl. She's a cheerleader.

- A what? - Show them a cheer.

- Not in front of all these people. - Come on, come on.

Okay.

Ready?! Okay!

Go, "r"! Go, "a"! Go, "m"! Go, "s"!

R-a-m-s! Let's go, rams!

Whoo!

All right. So...

she's proud of her spelling.

I'll meet you in the kitchen. We can study in there.

Tommy, what happened to August?

August-- well, August is bright and intelligent

and funny, and I love to be with her,

but Cheryl's easy.

So you're jeopardizing a meaningful relationship

- for pure physical pleasure. - Exactly.

- Very well. Carry on. - Thank you, sir.

Sally, here's your coat.

And I want you to be on your best behavior.

This is a party in honor of Leonard Hanlin.

Why? Nobody likes him.

They hate him, but they honor him.

It's a human phenomenon that I find fascinating.

Behind his back they deride him,

but to his face they kiss his ass.

Well, that's just the kind of stunt you can see only on cable.

Plus we got sports, music, movies.

Oh, and look.

"El mundo pacífico."

- Ah, that's muy bueno. - No.

- Oh. - English, Spanish, French...

I know, I know.

Earth-- go figure.

Dr. Hanlin, it is an honor to have you here.

Well, thank you, Dean Sumner.

And, you, be a pleasant toady

and bring me another one of those, would you?

Dr. Hanlin,

we so admire your accomplishments.

Well, I admire your courage, Mrs. Sumner.

An Audubon print over the mantle

passing for art--

that takes guts.

Look who I found. It's Dr. Solomon.

Well, an honest man in a den of bootlickers,

not that I don't enjoy having my boots licked.

It's just that I find you all contemptible.

So tell me, Dick, what do you think of my work?

Mechanistic and disturbingly fascist,

but pretentious high schoolers might find it thought-provoking.

I think it's groundbreaking.

I don't need the opinion of a water boy with tenure.

I'm talking to my friend.

I like you, Solomon.

Well, I don't like you.

But I don't think anybody hates me more than your friend,

- doctor, um... - Albright.

Yes. Probably because I turned her down.

I need something from the bar.

Yes, that should solve all your problems.

Well, then let's get drinking.

- Excuse me. - Can I help you?

Well, somebody said there was

a giant flaming jackass over here.

They put it out.

I hate that man.

I wish there was some way he could be--

- nicer? - No, dead.

Well, you're published again. Congratulations.

Nina, what are you doing here?

You're a secretary.

You're Dr. Solomon's sister.

You're a lot better-looking than he is.

Hey, I'm up here.

Yes, all women would like to think that.

How would you like to have your eyeballs

in the bottom of a martini glass? 'Cause I can do it.

Oh, oo-ooh!

The amazon's going to manhandle me.

You're not worth a broken nail.

Dr. Hanlin?

Dr. Hanlin! Somebody call 9-1-1.

I think he's dead.

Dr. Albright, you got your wish!

Okay, so the kinds of triangles are

isosceles, equilateral, scalene.

And what's the other one?

Why do I have to know this if I'm going to be a teacher?

You want a soda?

'Kay.

There's juice, too, if you'd rather have that, or water.

Hi.

August, you're here.

Yeah, we have a science project, remember?

- Yeah, right. - I think I want a soda.

Oh-hh! Hello,

Auggie.

Cheryl. There's something different about you.

Is it your hair? No.

Oh, you're holding a book.

Tommy, could you hurry up?

I'm really thirsty.

Cheryl's helping me with my math homework.

She is.

You know, if you want to hang out with Cheryl, that's okay.

We haven't made any serious declarations of our feelings,

so there isn't the issue of ownership.

But-- and, just like Cheryl,

this is a big "but"--

you could at least be honest with me.

No, August, wait. August, hold on.

I'm sorry. August, I'm sorry.

Hello!

I thought you were bringing me something to drink.

Oh, right. Sorry. Sorry.

- Diet. - Sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

I can't believe this. I've never seen anybody die before.

I know, it's amazing.

One minute, he's active, and the next, he's inert.

First he's limber, and then he's stiff.

His eyes are twinkly, then they're milky.

He's rosy, then sallow. Oily, then dry.

- Gurgly, then silent. - Will you stop!

Dick? Dick, we have a problem.

- What? - I killed him.

Oh, that's just great.

Didn't I say best behavior?

- I never meant to kill him. - Why can't you be like Dr. Albright?

She wanted him dead, but did she act on it? No...

because she's a lady.

- The police are here. We've gotta get outta here. - We will.

- Just walk out calmly. - Okay, here we go.

Look casual. - Okay.

No. No, no.

I think we all know why Dr. Hanlin died.

He had a bad heart.

He ignored his doctor's advice. He brought it on himself.

- Oh, thank god! - Yes!

- Let's eat! - All right!

- Promise me something. - Albright: what?

Promise me that you'll never do what Dr. Hanlin did at the party.

Feel up the caterer? I won't.

Promise me you'll never collapse

and be hauled away under a sheet,

because the thought of you lying there,

purple, rigid and distended,

just makes me so sad.

'Kay.

You know what we should do right now?

Run out of here, grab a couple of horses,

right bareback through the woods all night

and make love in a meadow at sunrise.

I have a class in five minutes,

and that's just the first of my reservations.

Forget class. Let's live!

Let's taste danger.

Let's go for the gusto, consequences be damned.

Let's drive fast and eat cheese.

Are you insane?

I've simply awakened to the sensual possibilities

of everything around me.

You know, I think she's fully inflated.

What is it, Nina?

This letter just came for you. It's from Dr. Hanlin.

"Dear Dr. Solomon,

if you are reading this, it means that I am dead.

As one honest man to another,

it is my dying wish that you deliver an honest eulogy

without any embellishment or flattering crap."

An honest eulogy, I can do that.

No, you can't.

An honest eulogy for that man would be insulting.

Well, I'll just have to find something to say about him

that's both honest and uplifting.