Good on Paper

When it comes to grandparents,

it's always this charming story of persistence,

how your grandparents got together.

You ask your grandma, "How'd you meet Grandpa?"

It's always, "I didn't like him at first,

but he kept turning up and now we're together."

And no one ever asks Nana, "Why didn't you like Grandpa?"

She'd be like, "I'll tell you something,

he gave me a real creep vibe."

"Always looking at me, licking his lips."

"I didn't like it." "He made me uncomfortable."

"But my husband died in the war, and your grandpa kept showing up."

"Nine months later, your uncle Ted was born."

There's a switch in women's brains.

We're like, "He must love me if he keeps bothering me."

"He pulled my hair when I was little, he obviously loves me."

Doesn't go the opposite way.

It's never rewarded for women.

Instantly, you're in the creep zone as a girl.

You text a guy twice, it's like, "Take it easy, psycho."

"What a fucking psycho."

What a fucking psycho.

Here we are. Charleston.

Yeah!

Here in the Dallas suburbs. This is called the cheese line.

I farted.

- What's happening? - Permission to squeeze...

How many hours have we been on set?

Baby, shots.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah.

That was the third one across. Numerical prefix...

People, move please.

Seven! Seven! Seven!

Over for the week.

It is so cold in Syracuse.

You said you'd finish law school and you didn't, Jack.

You said you'd open up your own business, Jack, and you couldn't.

Let's get serious. You didn't even finish the dishes this morning, Jack.

- You think you're smarter than me? - It's "smarter than I," and I know I am.

That was great. Thank you.

What's so funny?

Well, you should list them off quicker. Right? Like,

"Didn't finish law school, didn't open a business."

"Couldn't even finish the dishes." Rule of three, do it quickly.

And we say "Jack" like a billion times. Is that like, a typo?

I think the joke is fine.

Hm. We're using the term "joke" liberally.

You're a stand-up, right? New to acting?

- No. - You might be a little old for this.

- She's supposed to be 35. - Hm. Yeah.

I'm 34, so...

Yeesh.

I think we're good.

- Thanks for coming in. - Yeah.

- Okay... - Thanks.

- Thanks so much. - Thank you.

Thank you.

- All right, I just had an idea. - Yeah?

What if we change the joke to what she said?

That's good. I like it when you say it. She was rude.

But you're right.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Oh my God! Andrea!

- Hi, Serrena. - Hi!

- Hi. - Oh, you sounded so good in there.

- Good luck. - Thank you.

Give me a hug. So good to see you.

- So slumming it in TV? - Oh my God.

Know how there's always one girl

you never want to run into when you're feeling your worst?

Or whatever, you know? Blah, blah.

Serrena Halstead, one of my faves!

- Hi! - Bye, Andrea.

Serrena and I moved to LA around the same time.

When I started doing stand-up, she got her break in acting.

And the girl booked everything, like every show.

The way she talked made me wanna rip my ears out.

I mean, your kids on Insta? Adorbs.

- So sweet. - You in the hot suit? Goals. Life goals.

And I know it's not cool for women to judge other women,

but whatever, we all do it.

Hot Neighbor?

I'm not perfect, and she's annoying,

but, this story isn't about her.

I was terrible, Margot.

The network flew me first class for a five-minute audition,

and I still bombed. I'm gonna eat everything on this plane.

I'm gonna chug a gallon of Cranapple and chase it with a pound of cookies.

Wanna know the best part?

I've been at TSA for 45 minutes

because the woman in front of me lost her boarding pass.

Between check-in and the metal detector, she managed to lose it.

Here's an idea: get the app.

Or get a purse with a padlock on it,

or a fanny pack, or don't leave the house.

You know what it should be? If you hold up TSA, you're the terrorist.

Hey. You dropped this.

Oh, that is humbling.

If I'm gonna start from the beginning, I can honestly say that

the story was not about love at first sight.

I thought he looked like a manager at Brooks Brothers.

Thank you.

Shit.

What? No, I dropped my, huh, pants.

Flight 1212 to Los Angeles now boarding. Flight 1212 now boarding.

- Excuse me. May I please have...? - No, you've already had three juices.

That's enough.

My God.

Hello.

"Scaled relative to the severity..."

Oh. Hi.

Proportionality.

Wait, nope. Wait, yes. Rasp-berry. The P.

- The hidden P. Thank you. - Hidden P.

Hidden P.

- Oh. - I'm Dennis, by the way.

I'm Andrea.

- Hi. - Hey, Andrea. Nice to meet you.

Yeah. Yes, "and you." Sorry, that's the way a person answers.

And nice to meet you. And thank you for the boarding pass.

I don't know what kind of idiot loses their boarding pass

a minute after getting it, but that was ironic.

Airports have horrible effects on people. Bring out the worst.

I feel like my worst is stuck on a casting tape somewhere in Midtown.

Wait, you're a comedian, right? Andrea Singer.

- No autographs. - I've seen you before. Cool.

I'm sorry. I'm in a mood.

I had the worst audition of my life and I feel like garbage.

Well, you know a career in show business

is an incredibly difficult thing to accomplish, Andrea.

- Yes, Dennis, I do know that. - You should be proud.

The ratio of self-proclaimed entertainers to those who make a living entertaining,

I'd imagine to be incredibly disproportionate.

Talk about proportionality.

This is a valid point.

And what do you do?

Hedge funds.

Is that fun?

It's like acting. You need people to believe in you to sell your character.

I need people to believe that I'd be capable with their money.

- Are you? - Depends on how much I've had to drink.

No.

If you speak well and went to a good school,

most people will give you their money.

What? No way.

Those are reasons to not trust a person. I don't trust you.

Excellent decision.

Your comedic instincts have served you well.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

I don't usually talk to people on planes, but he seemed nice,

normal, like an accountant who loves missionary.

Talk to you later. Bye. Love you.

- My girlfriend, Cassandra. She's a model. - Wow. Slipping that right in.

She can't see me later because her shoot got moved.

- Again. - Hate when that happens.

- Something to drink? - Oh, whiskey neat.

If you have Blue Label, I'll take it. If not, pour it and don't tell me.

- Andrea? - Cranapple. Juice.

Got it.

Not drinking before 5:00, huh? Some comic you are.

- So you got a husband or a boyfriend? - Oh, wow. Seamless transition.

Um, I have a guy that I asked to pick me up from the airport.

So, we'll see if Cayden can clear his schedule.

Cayden. Sounds like a stimulating conversationalist, Cayden.

Yeah, a formidable opponent to a model named Cassandra, I'm sure.

- Fair play. - Mm-hm.

- So when's your next stand-up gig? - Uh, it's tonight at The Comedy Store.

Aww, drats, tonight?

I got this Yale alumni event I have to go to.

- What's a Yale? - Oh, Yale is a prestigious school...

I'm fucking with you.

I know what Yale is.

My cousin, Brett Korchran, went. You're like the same age. Know him?

It does sound familiar.

Um, pretty big school.

Plus I spent most of my time golfing and drinking, so...

- Here you go. - Thank you so much.

- This is for you. - Wow, whole thing.

Okay. So where were we on your crossword puzzle?

Oh, okay. Um...

And it's difficult to meet a normal guy.

I'm already labeled too strong as it is.

But why? What about this is so strong?

Because I'm not walking down the street falling over,

calling myself a hot mess on Instagram?

Because I'm not checking my horoscope for life advice, I'm intimidating?

You are.

I'm intimidating?

What's more intimidating to you, sir?

Me, as is, or like the idea of totally shaving your neck beard?

Does that scare you?

"But then they'll know." "I'll be vulnerable."

Welcome to being a woman and doing anything ever.