The Detour

Okay, so it's day two and your sister-in-law

was cat-sitting your 23-year-old diabetic short-haired tabby

named Noonie.

So you stayed the night in a hotel,

and that's when you finally told your wife that you got fired.

But she was too high to remember it?

Is that why I'm here?

Weed gummies?

You were smuggling a product that you stole

from your former company,

and you left it in the trunk of your minivan

with this mechanic.

Okay, I didn't just leave it there.

I hid it very well, thank you. Where?

In those little side panels in the trunk?

That's where everyone hides stuff.

You're a real dummy, aren't you, Mr. Parker?

Did you need me to answer that?

Hey, boss. Just stepping out for a bit.

Okay. 10, 15 minutes tops.

Yep, that's fine. Yeah, just gonna go to lunch.

I know it's early, but, uh, i skipped breakfast

and I am as hungry as a...

Lion.

A lion?

No. I'm not lying. It's all true.

That shawarma place I'm going to down the road,

I got a reservation, everything. You can call them.

I'll... I'll definitely be there.

I just want to keep you looped in.

You know, synergy, 'cause I'm...

Going for a walk... Alone.

So no lunch?

No. Unless... No.

Okay. Yeah.

Hey!

Are you Nate Parker?

Yes! Yeah, come here. What?!

Shh. I can't hear you over the scooter.

Just stop... stop yelling.

Are you Nate Parker? Yes. Come on.

One second. Just give me a second.

So you said you got a story for me?

Yeah. It's all right here. What's this?

This, my friend, is your pulitzer.

My what?

I work for a good company that's just doing a bad thing,

and I need you to shine a light on that.

Okay. That's cool, man.

Just... you wanna write that up, e-mail it to me?

N-no, that's your job.

You're... you're the journalist. I'm just the source, okay?

The story's all here.

You just gotta frame it and print it. But we're online only.

There's no "print."

Excuse me. Can I park there?

Uh, no, we're... We're saving this spot.

You can't save spots.

Yes, we can. Okay? And there's plenty of other spots.

There's one right there. Don't look at me like that.

Look over there.

Thank you.

Listen, dude, this all seems like a lot of work, okay?

I usually just reblog stuff from the ap.

What ap? Bro, you're so old.

It's, like, this thing that they have now that just, like,

blasts out all the news from everywhere.

You're talking about the A.P.? The Associated Press?

Yeah, it's like "Rooters." It's dope.

You mean Reuters? No, Rooters.

No, Reuters. Oh, is that how you say it?

Yes. I'm such a dumbass.

Listen, I have risked everything to bring this to you.

And trust me, you were not my first choice.

Oh, why would I be? Do you want to be a dumbass for the rest of your life

and reblog shit other people wrote,

or do you want to be a real journalist?

Okay, and break stories and potentially save

millions of lives in the process?

He wasn't leaving that spot. He was adjusting his park job.

He was all crooked. Then go park on the roof.

I can't. My leather seats get too hot, and I'm wearing shorts.

Okay. So what's the product?

This is...

It's...

It's...

Oh, my gosh. Shut up!

Whoa. I trust you. I trust you.

Jared: I'm so thirsty.

Robin: You just finished my entire bottle of water.

Nate: Hey, can you get the bags for me?

Delilah: I could use a drink, too.

Oh, my god. You are the most overhydrated generation.

Where is this guy?

Can I have some of your juice? Nope. Mommy's juice.

It's alcohol. Mnh-mnh.

No, it's a Mimosa.

Delilah: Doesn't that have alcohol? Shh.

Can I try some? No. It's not for kids.

Just give him a sip. What?

What? You drank when you were his age.

No, I was way older.

No, you were way... 12. What if he likes it?

What do you think of carrots? Too spicy.

He's not gonna like it. All right.

Here. You're welcome.

No.

No.

No.

Oh, door's open. Let's go. Too late. Lost your chance.

Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Go, go. What? What?

Davey?

Davey?

Davey!

Dave? There he is.

Oh, yeah.

Davey?

Hey, Davey? Hey, it's Nate Parker.

Uh, I'm here to pick up the car you're sleeping in.

Is he dead?

Davey?

Oh, my god. Oh, it smells like it.

Give him a poke.

Davey? Dave?

He's... he's alive.

Dave? Davey? Davey?

Davey? Davey! Davey!

Davey! Davey! Davey! Davey! Davey! Nate. Nate. Nate. Nate!

Please stop yelling! It's like a jackhammer in here.

Oh, I'm sorry, potsie.

Do you have a better idea how to wake him up?

Stop it!

What's wrong with him? He's drunk.

Oh, no, he's not drunk. He drank some poison water.

That's probably alcohol,

but yes, technically, it is poison.

Probably tastes awful!

It does. Well, you gotta train yourself to like it.

Yeah, and if you do, you end up like that guy.

No. That's not what happens when you drink.

What are you doing? I had them scared straight.

Why would you walk that back in? Because it's not true.

Most people just drink to have fun and socialize.

I socialize. I always have fun.

Wait. If I drink, i have more fun?!

No. You're kids. You don't drink.

So why do you drink? I don't.

You're drinking right now.

I'm bringing myself back up to zero.

Okay, listen, people drink for a multitude

of different reasons.

Sometimes you have a hard day at work... Mm-hmm.

And you need to unwind. She doesn't work.

Excuse me. What do you call raising the two of you?

We go to school all day.

Do you drink while we're in school?

No. If you were in school all the time,

I wouldn't need to drink. Did you say you "need" to drink?

I... no. I'm saying that sometimes,

for instance, after conversations like this,

I just need to loosen up a bit.

I thought that's why you do yoga.

Okay, what I'm saying is,

don't do what I do or you're gonna end up like that guy.

Oh, my god.

Oh, jeez. Somebody help me. I got it.

Oh, my god. You're so dense.

Oh, my god.

I don't know what to do. Oh, my god!

Aah! Oh, shit!

Nate: $108. I don't see how that adds up. Ahh.

$80 for this? Sorry, folks.

That's what happens when you don't drink enough water.

Kids, you gotta stay hydrated.

Great. So, uh, we're good to go?

Oh, yeah. She's as good as new.

You sure about that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What?

No, you gotta give it one of these.

Ahh. Jesus.

Simple enough. There you go. Ooh.

That's your solution, huh?

Give it a fonzie? A what?

A fonzie. The... the fonz. You just did it.

Eyyy.

I never said, "eyyy,"

but I did upgrade your side door.

Eyyy.

Wow. That is...

Bang-up job.

Hey, what is this? Oh, yeah. About that.

I ran the V.I.N., and a D.U.I. Popped up.

So I had to glue one of those bad boys on your starter.

That's probably a mistake.

No, that is a mistake. Run it again.

Yeah, I ran it a few times on account of you folks

don't seem like the type, but V.I.N. Don't lie.

Well, clearly it does, because we don't drink and drive.

Yeah, everyone says that.

No, I know that,